Are you suffering from intrusive or obsessive thoughts? This free workshop and webinar will help. Learn the tools and strategies necessary to break free from intrusive thoughts after experiencing infidelity and betrayal. During our time together you will receive support, learn coping strategies, connect with others who understand your struggles, and begin your journey towards inner peace and freedom.

You will also get a FREE downloadable hypnotic meditation that you can use any time to Delete the Drama and Pain and Feel Better FAST. Let’s navigate through this together so you can reclaim your mental well-being. Take the first step towards liberation. Hypnosis file: Save the link or download it to your phone or laptop: https://loracheadle.com/wp-content/uploads/PTSD-1.mp3  Email lora@loracheadle.com for your free cognitive reprocessing worksheet

Watch the workshop here!  https://youtu.be/MwUjcDidWOU

Top Take-a-Ways

• Understand the difference between helpful or habitual thoughts.
• Learn the basics of cognitive reprocessing so you can create healthier thinking patterns.
• Receive a free hypnosis to stop obsessive thoughts in their tracks as well as a script for self-hypnosis.

About Lora:

Attorney, speaker and Burnout & Betrayal Recovery Coach, Lora Cheadle believes that betrayal uncovers the truth of what’s possible when we stop focusing on what was done to us and start showing up unapologetically for ourselves. She helps women rebuild their identity and self-worth after infidelity so they can reclaim (or find for the very first time) their confidence, clarity, and connection to source and create their own kind of happily ever after.

Get Relief Now!

Download your Sparkle After Betrayal Recovery Guide at www.BetrayalRecoveryGuide.com and start reclaiming yourself and your life today!

Learn More & Apply Here! www.AffairRecoveryForWomen.com

Untangle yourself from the past, reclaim your power, and own your worth so you can create a future you love on your own terms. All with a wink and a smile!

Learn more at www.loracheadle.com and follow me across all social!

Thank you to BetterHelp for sponsoring this podcast! Take charge of your mental health and get 10% off your first month of therapy at https://BetterHelp.com/FLAUNT

Untangle yourself from the past, reclaim your power, and own your worth so you can create a future you love on your own terms. All with a wink and a smile! Learn more at www.loracheadle.com and follow me across all social!

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Purchase Lora’s book, FLAUNT! Drop Your Cover and Reveal Your Smart, Sexy & Spiritual Self on Amazon, IndieBound or wherever books are sold.

Transcript

Narrator [00:00:01]:
You’re listening to flaunt, find your sparkle and create a life you love after infidelity or betrayal. A podcast women who’ve been betrayed by their intimate partner and want to turn their devastation into an invitation to reclaim themselves and their worth. Tune in weekly so you can start making sense of it all and learn how to be okay on the inside no matter what goes on on the outside. Download your free betrayal recovery toolkit at betrayalrecoveryguide.com.

Lora Cheadle [00:00:36]:
Hello, and welcome to FLAUNT!. Find your sparkle and create a life you love after infidelity or betrayal. I’m Lora Cheadle, and, oh my goodness, am I excited for this? The other day, I did a free webinar on overcoming obsessive thoughts, and it was 1 of those days. Let me tell you, it was 1 of those days. I sold tickets on Eventbrite, and I had a Zoom link up and running. And for some reason, Eventbrite crashed, which made it so nobody could hook into my Zoom link, including me. So then since I couldn’t get into Eventbrite because that was the whole thing, I literally had to go through and find all 29 email orders, open them up, pull out their email address, recreate a Zoom room link, and try to send it to everybody so people can get on the webinar. Because I know how important it is when you’re counting on something to be able to have that thing happen.

Lora Cheadle [00:01:42]:
So long story very long, very painful story short, finally, it took literally, like, 20 minutes to create a new Zoom room, to try to get in and out of Eventbrite, to try to find everybody’s emails, and to send them a new link. So by the time all of that drama happened, there were only a few people in the webinar, which made me realize, you know what? This is the kind of information that needs to be spread out there to the masses anyway. This cannot just be limited to the people who happen to be free at a certain time at a certain date. So what I decided to do for this show is to give you the audio of that 30 minute workshop. It’s a workshop on freedom from intrusive thoughts. Freedom from that obsessive thinking that just takes you down and spirals you in and makes you feel worse and worse and worse about yourself. Now I know you might wanna see the video too. And if you wanna see the video, I will link it in the comments below because it’s up on YouTube.

Lora Cheadle [00:02:54]:
But in any event, whether you’re listening to this today right now or you’re coming back to it on YouTube, it includes several bonuses, and I wanna make sure that you get the bonuses. 1 of those bonuses is a cognitive reprocessing worksheet. 1 of the best ways to manage obtrusive thoughts is using cognitive reprogramming followed by hypnosis. It’s a 2 part thing. Cognitive reprocessing helps, but hypnosis is what seals it in. And as you probably know, I am a hypnotherapist. So you are going to want to download the cognitive reprocessing worksheet so you can start reprocessing your intrusive thoughts and finding the peace that you want so you can get your brain back, so you don’t feel crazy anymore, so you don’t feel like everything is just totally out of control. And then I’m also giving you a free hypnosis on deleting some of those bad memories, deleting some of those intrusive thoughts.

Lora Cheadle [00:04:02]:
So you should be able to manage a lot of your symptoms on your own. And here’s what I’m gonna say. Yes. These are tools. These are strategies. These are skills that you will be able to use for yourself, by yourself. Not only now, but at any time in the future with any other situation. Whether you’re obsessing about, you know, your kids or your job or anything like that.

Lora Cheadle [00:04:31]:
This will help. Here is my 1 caveat. It’s a lot. Sometimes, it’s a lot. Sometimes, things are just too much for us to take. And if that’s the case, please get help. I know I say this often, but get help. When you need help, get help.

Lora Cheadle [00:04:53]:
There is such this weird thing that I think especially women. I mean, men have it too, but we have it in a different way, where we almost take pride in not getting help, where we’re like, I can do it on my own. I can do it all. And then it’s weird because part of this feels like a martyr, like people should be stepping in and helping. Like, we wish people would step in and help. But then at the same time, we have this weird pride that I don’t need anybody. I’ve got this all on my own. And here’s what we wanna say around that because this is something that I have worked with and struggled with in my life, and it’s something that I continue to work with and struggle with in my life.

Lora Cheadle [00:05:41]:
Can you do everything alone? Sure. Should you do everything alone? Heck, no. Can you suck it up and be strong? Of course. Is that really the kind of life you desire? No. And sometimes it it makes me sad. It’ll make you sad, I’m sure, when you start thinking about it and you’re like, okay, I can live life on my own. I can make do. Oh my goodness.

Lora Cheadle [00:06:11]:
We do not need to make do. We do not need to live on scraps. We do not need to work so hard and receive so little. And, you know, something else, and this is making a wild judgment call, and I’m just going to make this wild judgment. So often, women will say to me, I did everything right. I tried so hard. I cared so much. And it’s weird because the other woman didn’t care, didn’t try, didn’t worry about doing the right thing, didn’t think about consequences, Didn’t care.

Lora Cheadle [00:06:54]:
She’s selfish. I’m kind and loving. I’m giving. She is obnoxious and rude. And you know what? That’s even the same case with me. Like, I was the 1 that would give you the shirt off of my back. I was the 1 that all was always worried about if people liked the food, if people were comfortable, if people were happy. I’m the 1 that worried about that.

Lora Cheadle [00:07:19]:
I’m the 1 that went around worrying about everybody else’s needs, taking care of everybody else’s needs. And, yeah, sure enough, the other women, and there were 5 of them in my husband’s case, the other women were really all in for themselves. They were all in for themselves. They didn’t care about me. They didn’t care about my family, the kids. They didn’t even care about my husband. They cared about what they could get from the situation. And, you know, a lot of bitterness came from that.

Lora Cheadle [00:07:49]:
There was definitely a lot of bitterness around that because of that whole thing. Why am I not getting what I deserve? Because we’ve all been raised with this fairy tale belief that if we do the right thing, people will take care of us. If we do the right thing, we’ll be seen for who we are. If we do the right thing, our prints will come. The good ending will come. If we do the right thing and it’s the whole Cinderella complex that if we do the right thing, beautiful things will happen and people will see our good, kind, loving hearts. And not to be totally cynical, but I am gonna be a little cynical here. That’s not true.

Lora Cheadle [00:08:28]:
That is not true. Let me just burst that bubble for you. Nobody is going to see you. You are not Cinderella, sadly. We are not in a fairy tale. You do not have a fairy godmother, and people will not see that in you. And here’s the shift that I had to go through. I had to go through that realization, that fall from innocence.

Lora Cheadle [00:08:59]:
And then I had to figure out, okay. How do I advocate effectively on my own behalf without being a total evil stepmother, evil stepsister, wicked witch myself? How can I care more fully about myself and my comfort and my needs than making other people comfortable? How can I let go of that and still be a nice person? And, you know, you can. You can. It takes practice. You will mess things up, but it really comes from those personal boundaries truly recognizing how much you love yourself and how much you care about yourself. And that recognition and that realization that you are the only 1 who can love yourself in that way. And, yeah, having those boundaries around your time and your energy and your wants and desires and not settling for less feels wildly uncomfortable at the beginning because we are so used to settling for less. I took pride in how little I could live with.

Lora Cheadle [00:10:15]:
I took pride in how much I could flourish despite being starved emotionally. And it’s my guess that many of you have had moments like that too, where you’re like, I I can make do. I can persevere. When I was growing up, my mom used to read the Little House on the Prairie prairie books to me, and I absolutely loved them. But so much about that was making do. And, you know, Ma and Pa were the parents and they had 3 little girls. And it was all about what Ma could do with nothing, What she could create in the middle of a prairie with no resources, with no money, and all the magic she could bring. And, you know, there’s a lot of beauty to that, and there’s a lot of joy to that.

Lora Cheadle [00:11:07]:
But it’s also not necessary. It’s my hunch that you do not have to create something out of nothing. It’s my hunch that you can create something out of nothing. It’s my hunch that you can absolutely take care of yourself and everybody else, but why if you don’t need to? Why if you don’t need to? You deserve more. You deserve joy and love and emotional connection and support and to feel safe in your own body, in your mind, in your heart, in your home. You deserve more than you are probably giving yourself. And as you will see, the reason I started this, as you will see in this workshop on overcoming intrusive thoughts, This is kind of what underpins all of that. The belief in our own self worth, the belief in our own deservingness, the ability to truly not care what other people think, To not care what other people think.

Lora Cheadle [00:12:21]:
To not seek to please them, but to be so solid in yourself and your worth and what you want and what you know on a solo level you are worthy of. That’s what underpins the ability to transcend obsessive thoughts is being able to return yourself home to who you are, to be able to return yourself home to the knowingness of who you are, to be able to acknowledge how and when you’ve been hurt, and also to be able to acknowledge your own strength to persevere and to get through it. Not in a self sacrificial way but in a very powerful and loving way that is loving and powerful towards you. So with that, I really hope you enjoy this workshop. Pull out a pen and paper if you can. If not, like I said, you’re going to want the worksheet. I can’t download or attach the worksheet to the podcast. So email me, DM me, whatever it is.

Lora Cheadle [00:13:29]:
Lora, L0RA, at Lora Cheadle, L0RAC headle.com. Email me. I’ll send you the email. I’ll send you the video. I’ll send you the hypnosis. I’ll send you whatever it is that you need so you can actually do this workshop. So you can have the cognitive reprocessing worksheet, and you can have the hypnosis, and you can start making yourself feel better. And then if you need help, reach out to me.

Lora Cheadle [00:13:59]:
Why? Because you deserve help. Why? Because we are restructuring the way that you think. We are breaking you out of that pervasive belief that you have to take care of other people ahead of you, and we are regrounding you in your identity, and we are regrounding you in your self worth. My favorite way to work with people is a 6 month coaching package because in 6 months, we can totally break you out of people pleasing. We can totally get you regrounded and re centered. But if you’re not sure, we can also do a 1 on 1 session just once or twice or 3 times. We can do whatever you need. And that’s 1 of the things too.

Lora Cheadle [00:14:46]:
I’m gonna get up on my soapbox again. That’s something else. I want you to start asking for what you want. I want you to start practicing asking for what you want. If you wanna work with me in a different way, ask me. Ask me for what you want. If you were like, I don’t want this 3 month thing, I want a 6 month thing, ask me. If you were like, I don’t want this, I want that, ask me.

Lora Cheadle [00:15:17]:
Let me be your safe space. Practice asking me. Ask other people too. Whether it’s at a restaurant or a grocery store or a movie theater, practice asking for what you want even when, especially when it’s not what’s being offered. Practice asking for what you want because you are worthy of receiving what you want, because taking care of yourself matters, and you’re not being abusive of other people. When somebody asks me for a payment plan, when somebody says, can we do this with 30 minute sessions instead of 90? When people ask, they get what they want, and we create something that works for everyone. So if you need extra help, get help. Obviously, I want you to work with me, but if it’s with somebody else, work with somebody else.

Lora Cheadle [00:16:21]:
That’s what matters is that you are taking care of you, that you are building you, that you are becoming exactly who you were meant to be because betrayal uncovers the truth. Not just about the other person and what they did, but about you and who you are ready to become. Your transformation is waiting. Reach out and take it. Have an amazing week. I will pop back in at the end of the webinar. Hello. This is Lora Cheadle, and Eventbrite crashed on me, which was 100% not helpful, and I still cannot access it.

Lora Cheadle [00:17:09]:
So apologies that the link didn’t get in. We just did a webinar with the people who were able to get in, but what I wanted to do was hop on and just recreate some of that, so I could send it out to you. And, yes, I will send you the hypnosis and the files as well. As you know, I am Laurie Cheadle. I am an attorney and betrayal recovery coach, and I’ve also been through infidelity and betrayal. So I know exactly what it is like to have intrusive thoughts and it hurts and it stinks because you can’t do anything. You feel like you’re going crazy. You feel like you can’t manage your own thoughts.

Lora Cheadle [00:17:56]:
You can’t stay in the present moment because you’re always back there in the past or way in the future trying to figure out what’s going on. So that’s what we’re gonna do. We’re gonna get you your brain back. We’re gonna get you your sanity back, and I’m going to teach you exactly what to do to have freedom from those intrusive thoughts so you can start reading, sleeping, working, enjoying, and living life again. The very first question is, whenever you have an obtuse intrusive or obsessive thought, Ask yourself, is this thought helpful or is it habitual? Is this thought helpful or habitual? There’s different things to do if it’s helpful than if it’s habitual. Most of us have habitual obsessive thoughts. So I’m going to start with the helpful ones because that’s a little bit faster and easier. If the thought is helpful, it means it’s your brain telling you there’s something more here.

Lora Cheadle [00:19:08]:
There’s something you’re missing. It’s like foreshadowing in a book or a movie when you’re like, that was an interesting little detail. I wonder why that was there. It’s your brain saying pay attention. You’re missing something. It’s your intuition saying, listen to this. Think this through. Does this really make sense? So that’s where I want you to start.

Lora Cheadle [00:19:34]:
Is it hopeful? Dig deeper. If it’s helpful, you need to dig deeper. You need to uncover what is this thought trying to tell me. What is this thought trying to tell me about myself, the situation, or another person? Is this thought trying to tell me that I’m abandoning myself, that I’m ignoring red flags? Is this thought trying to tell me to pay more attention to something, to figure out next steps? Is this thought trying to get me to look at the situation differently, Or is this thought trying to help me learn something about the other person? What is this thought trying to tell me? Then I’ve got some questions. I’ll give you this worksheet. Use some journaling to uncover and understand what this thought is trying to tell you. Often, our obsessive thoughts are there to keep us safe, to keep us from getting hurt again. When that’s the case, you can thank that thought.

Lora Cheadle [00:20:58]:
Thank you for being here. Thank you for trying to keep me safe. Thank you for protecting me, but I’ve got this, so I don’t need you, you can go, or, and what do I need to do to stay safe, And what’s next? If you identify there is a thought here and its purpose is to keep me safe, then what do I need to do to stay safe? I’m a big proponent of writing things down. So you can write down. What is this thought trying to do? It’s trying to keep me safe. Great. What do I need to do to stay safe? And then you can have your list. Find out more information about.

Lora Cheadle [00:21:49]:
Ask these 4 questions. Contact an attorney and find out about divorce in my state. Meet with a financial planner. You’ll have those steps, and then you’ll have them written down so you know this thought is trying to keep me safe. In order to stay safe, I need information. I need support. I need a question answered, and then you have it written down. It’s kinda like when you wake up in the middle of the night and your thoughts are racing.

Lora Cheadle [00:22:17]:
If you write them down, they’re memorialized. They’re memorialized. So then you can relax because you know they are there, and you know you can return to them in the morning. So write down what is this thought here for, What’s it trying to do? What’s it trying to tell me? Because when you know what it’s there for, what it’s trying to tell you, then you can figure out what you need to do, and it’s a helpful thought. And then you can let it go because, yay. Thank you. You’ve been helpful. Regarding intuition, your thought might be there to be like, you’re no.

Lora Cheadle [00:22:57]:
There’s more here. Great. How can I tune into myself more? How can I listen to my heart? How can I listen to my gut? How can I get out of my head and into my body so I can figure this out? Those are helpful, intrusive thoughts. Now on the other hand, if your intrusive thought is not helpful, by default, it’s habitual. It’s habitual. The way to get rid of a habitual thought is through a combination of cognitive restructuring and hypnosis. Cognitive restructuring is just like what it sounds. It’s cognitive.

Lora Cheadle [00:23:46]:
It’s in your brain. Hypnosis is in the subconscious portion of your brain. So when you cognitively restructure something up here, it’s a conscious action. And then when you use the hypnosis, it’s a subconscious function which allows you to use your entire brain’s capacity to move forward and heal. And that’s what we’re going to do today. Alright. And 1 of the things I’m going to give you is a cognitive restructuring worksheet as well as a bunch of other goodies. When you’re trying to cognitively restructure a thought, a habitual thought, The very first thing you need to do is identify what that thought is.

Lora Cheadle [00:24:40]:
Usually, the reason we get so locked in is because we have this conglomeration of thoughts. We have this whole thing about how bad it is, how unfair it is, how this, how that, how hurtful, how it impacts us, how it impacts the kids, how I’ve been all of these thoughts. Restructure by separating those apart. Okay. I’m hurt because he had sex. I’m hurt because he lied. I’m hurt because he said he loved her. I’m hurt because she was half my age.

Lora Cheadle [00:25:20]:
I’m really stressed out that the sex was better with somebody else. I can’t believe I didn’t see this. I can’t believe I tried so hard and was so unappreciated. I can’t get over how this feels. There’s all of these thoughts. Separate them. The example that I always give is if you’ve ever, like, traveled with necklaces and they get all tangled up in there, if you start pulling on the necklaces, it only tightens the knots more, and then you can never get them separated. What helps is loosening, softening, finding 1 necklace chain, pulling that 1 chain out, and finding another chain, untangling that.

Lora Cheadle [00:26:16]:
And then pretty soon, you’re like, oh, the whole lot of necklaces has been untangled. This is perfect. So that’s what you’re doing with obsessive thoughts. You’re untangling them 1 at a time, and you’re managing 1 thought at a time. Step 2, after you’re starting to untangle, is you’re examining the evidence. I’m a lawyer. I like evidence. You’re examining both supportive evidence and contradictory evidence to each thought.

Lora Cheadle [00:26:54]:
And, again, slow down. Slow way down. Do this 1 at a time. 1 thought. He said he loved her. He lied to me. He had sex with whatever. Identify the supporting evidence.

Lora Cheadle [00:27:17]:
Yes. My partner did lie. Yeah. My partner did tell somebody else he loved her. Yes. I have been hurt. Yes. I can’t quit crying.

Lora Cheadle [00:27:28]:
Supporting evidence. Yes. This is true. This is true. This is true. And while you might be wondering why are we talking about supportive evidence? That’s just more hurtful. The truth of the matter is sometimes we have obsessive thoughts as a way to validate our own pain. Sometimes we have obsessive thoughts as a way to validate our own pain Because we will live in a world where people are like, get over it already.

Lora Cheadle [00:28:00]:
Or our partner, to help them with their guilt is like, can’t you just move on? Can’t you just trust me and move on? And we’re still hurt. We had talked about this. Like, when you have an external wound, it’s easy to see and other people can be like, oh, you’re still bruised. Oh, you’re still on crutches. Oh, you’re still in a cast. When they’re internal wounds, other people tend to forget about them. Other people totally forget about them, and they’re like, yeah. Shouldn’t you be over that by now? Because in their world, things have moved on.

Lora Cheadle [00:28:38]:
So sometimes obsessive thoughts are there to validate your own pain, and that’s why it’s important to look for that supporting evidence so you can validate your own pain. He did lie to me. I did try so hard and I was totally used and abused. I tried and I got hurt. He did cheat. He did lie. He did use marital funds. Whatever it is, validate.

Lora Cheadle [00:29:09]:
Look for that supportive evidence to your thought. You are not an irrational being. That’s what I really want you to know. You are not irrational. So validate what is important to validate in those thoughts. And then the next step in that is looking for that contradictory evidence. If the obsessive thought is it’s my fault, I should have known, why didn’t I do things better, contradictory evidence might be cheating is a choice. I did not cause my partner’s cheating.

Lora Cheadle [00:29:45]:
This is not my fault. Contradictory evidence to somebody telling him telling her he loved her might be he felt pressured into it. She was trying to make the relationship deeper, and he got pressured into it. Contradictory evidence might be any number of things, but what’s contradictory about that? What is not true about the thought that you’re having? Supporting evidence is I was hurt. Contradictory evidence might be I’ve been hurt before and I’ve healed. I’m not gonna stay hurt forever. So that’s that examining the evidence. You do a 360 degree view where you’re examining the evidence all around looking at the evidence.

Lora Cheadle [00:30:44]:
What’s right? What’s wrong? What’s questionable about it? And then step 3, step 1 is identifying, strand breaking it down, identifying each part of the obsessive thought. Number 2 is examining the evidence, both supporting and contradictory. Step 3 is challenging your thoughts, challenging the validity of your thoughts. Is this thought based on fact or feeling? I feel hurt. Is that a fact or is that a feeling? Is there a more rational way to view this situation? And what would I tell a friend who had this thought? So examples around that. Is it fair for me to blame myself for somebody else’s actions? Is it fair for me to go around feeling like this? Have I ever trusted somebody again after being hurt? Have I ever healed before? Have I ever been through something difficult? Challenge your thoughts. I can’t get over this. Really? Can you really not get over this? Is there a scenario where you could get over this? Is there something else you’ve gotten over? Challenge your thoughts.

Lora Cheadle [00:32:24]:
Is this really true? Is it really true that I’m broken? That’s such a big 1. People are always like, I’m broken. Is that really true? Is it really true that you’re broken now, or is it really true that you’re broken forevermore? Is it really true that he didn’t love me then? Would it also be that he loved you, but that he was in such an affair fog that he was so confused that he also took other actions? So often, we want to make cheating about us because we’re in a rational state of mind. Cause, like, cause, impact. We’re thinking about things from a rational point of view. When somebody is so hurt and so unable to identify what it is they’re feeling and they have an affair, they’re not thinking about you. They’re thinking about getting their pain managed. They’re thinking about themselves.

Lora Cheadle [00:33:31]:
They are in a completely selfish state. They are in a complete different brainwave state, and you end up being collateral damage. They’re not thinking about you. I want you to think about a time you made a mistake. Usually, you’re not thinking about the worst possible outcome. Usually, you’re thinking about all the positive things, and then you realize, oh, that was bad. I have talked to many people who have said I had a glass of wine with dinner and then I drove. Because they’re thinking, I had a glass of wine with dinner and I drove.

Lora Cheadle [00:34:15]:
But if you think about that from the whole other side, you consciously and intentionally drank and then drove. So if an accident happens, you’re not going to say, I chose to drink and I chose to drive, which you did. You chose to drink and you chose to drive. You’re going to say, I thought it was fine. I thought it was 1 glass of wine. I thought it was with dinner. I thought it was 2 hours later. I thought it was fine.

Lora Cheadle [00:34:45]:
I wasn’t thinking about a drunk driving incident, and yet you drove after drinking. And that’s that disconnect that happens so often with people who cheat. They’re thinking about the best possible scenario that it kinda makes sense that nobody’s ever gonna find out, that this is gonna help me feel better, that this is I’m solving my problem in this way and nobody’s ever gonna know. So it’s not nobody’s gonna get hurt. They’re not thinking I’m setting they’re not setting out to go hurt you. They’re not waking up 1 day saying, I’m gonna go hurt my partner. They wake up not thinking about that. They wake up feeling in pain and confused and a fragile ego.

Lora Cheadle [00:35:36]:
And over time, having an affair seems like something that they do that’s going to make them feel better, they are not consciously setting out to hurt you. So challenge those thoughts. Is it true that my partner truly set out to hurt me? Probably not. Probably not. Step 4. Step 1 is untangle, identify. Step 2 is examine all the evidence. Step 3 is challenge that thought.

Lora Cheadle [00:36:06]:
Is this really true? Step 4 is replace that thought with a balanced thought. And this is more than just an affirmation. This is about the good and the bad all in 1 thought. Here’s what I mean by that. Here’s an example. While my partner’s infidelity hurt me deeply, it wasn’t my fault, and I have the strength to heal and rebuild trust over time. Why this is more powerful than just an affirmation? It’s not my fault. I have the strength to rebuild over time.

Lora Cheadle [00:36:43]:
It acknowledges your pain while my partner’s infidelity hurt me, while this wasn’t there, while I have spent the last 6 months feeling totally broken and inept. You’re acknowledging your pain. I still have the strength to rebuild. I have the ability to get help. I have a great support system. I am in therapy. I am working with a coach. I am doing all of these different things, and I can.

Lora Cheadle [00:37:14]:
Even though my partner’s infidelity hurt me deeply, I still know it wasn’t about me. Even though my partner took action that hurt me, I know it wasn’t about me and I am taking care of myself and allowing myself to heal. That is a balanced thought. You’re balancing the bad and how you feel with what you’re capable of doing and what’s real in this situation. Even though my partner said he loved her and it destroyed my soul, I know that he was in an affair fog. I know that he felt pressured into it. I know that those feelings of infatuation or limerence have nothing to do with the depth of our relationship and the family and the life that we created for all of those years together. I know that was what was real.

Lora Cheadle [00:38:20]:
I know that what we shared was real love. You’re balancing both sides and you’re replacing your obsessive thoughts with something that’s true Because our bodies know the truth. Our minds know the truth. And sometimes when we’re too much into affirmations, it’s too woo woo and our mind is like, reject because that’s not true. Reject because that’s not validating me. So that is how to cognitively reprogram, reprocess your brain. Now the second part of that is the hypnosis. The brain, the mind, is about 10% conscious and is about 90% subconscious or unconscious.

Lora Cheadle [00:39:07]:
So that means whatever you cognitively reprogram up here, you’re doing it with about 10% of your brain’s power. 10% is not a lot, and then you have 90% that’s habitual. That’s the operating system that your body is running on. So if you have 90% of your brain telling you to focus and be obsessive and you have 10% of your brain telling you to move on and be conscious and thoughtful about it, what part do you think is gonna win? The 90%. That’s why we get stuck in a loop down here and we can’t break free. The example that I like to give is watershed on a mountain. If you have a smooth mountain and a blob of snow, it’s going to melt equally down all sides. In real life, based on the structure of the mountain, grooves happen and more of the watershed gets funneled to 1 side.

Lora Cheadle [00:40:10]:
And then it starts off as a little shallow groove. And then erosion happens and the root groove gets bigger and bigger and bigger, and pretty soon you have a river. And pretty soon that watershed is going down this huge river halfway across the country. The more you think of thought, the deeper that groove is. Every time you have a thought, it’s carving it deeper. It’s carving it deeper. It’s carving it deeper. So if you’re on top of a mountain and you wanna change that watershed and there’s a really deep groove, it’s gonna take some effort.

Lora Cheadle [00:40:43]:
It’s going to take some effort. Cognitively reprocessing is 10% of the effort. So 10%, you’re saying, divert the water this way, and you’re creating a little track, a 10% deep track. We’ve got a 90% deep track over here, a 10% track over here. Sure, some of that water is gonna trickle down but it’s still gonna go here and that groove is still going to keep being deeper and deeper and deeper and deeper. The hypnosis helps you divert that 90% over here so you can start building a deeper groove over here, and this groove is gonna start shrinking. Does it take effort? Yes. It still takes effort.

Lora Cheadle [00:41:21]:
But it’s a lot easier using the hypnosis to bring that 90% of the subconscious onboard so you can divert those obsessive thoughts. Now the reason we’re not just starting with hypnosis is because it takes that cognitive reprocessing. So when you do the hypnosis, you’re dealing with 1 thought at a time. You’re reformatting, reworking the operating system, and you’re dealing with 1 thing at a time. You’re not overwhelming your system. Change is hard. We are creatures of habit. We can’t change.

Lora Cheadle [00:42:04]:
It’ll never last. 1 thought, he loved her. 1 thought, he had sex with her. 1 thought, the sex was better. 1 thought, I am broken. 1 thing at a time. Because when you’re aware of what you’re shifting, you know where you’re at and you know where you’re going. Instead of we’re just moving this direction randomly, I’m going to give you a hypnosis, but I also wanna talk a little bit about what hypnosis does and why it works, why it works.

Lora Cheadle [00:42:39]:
You start a hypnosis session by relaxing, by getting out of the brain and moving into the body. So you can feel those sensations in the body. So you can slow the thoughts. When you slow the thoughts, they’re a lot easier to direct. You clear the mind. You slow the thoughts. You don’t totally stop the thoughts. Nobody’s thoughts stop even when they’re asleep.

Lora Cheadle [00:43:09]:
You slow them down. You get into the body, not the mind. And then you could imagine, visualize, or pretend that you were writing your obsessive thought on a chalkboard. I was so abused. He hurt me so much. I’m totally broken. I can’t believe she was younger, thinner, prettier, blah blah, whatever it is. Write it all down.

Lora Cheadle [00:43:39]:
Then calm yourself again because that should create some anxiety. Find that anxiety in your body. Calm. Breathe. And then in your mind’s eye, you can see yourself erasing those thoughts. Just like on an old chalkboard, you’re erasing them. And then see yourself writing that new balanced thought. You can even take your hand up and start writing that new thought.

Lora Cheadle [00:44:14]:
While my partner’s infidelity hurt me, I am capable of rebuilding self trust. I am learning how to and then read that sentence again in your mind’s eye and calm the body and feel the peace around the truth of that statement. And the hypnosis that I’m going to give you has got some delete. Like you’ve got some buttons and you’re gonna delete it. But this is something you can do for yourself. This is a way to do the self hypnosis. Relax, write it down, erase it, write something new, feel that peace, and then open your eyes and move into the rest of your day. Now the very last thing that I want to say is identifying those feelings in your body.

Lora Cheadle [00:45:21]:
If you’ve been listening to me, you know I am really big on feeling things in your body. When you feel when you have an obsessive thought, tune into your body. Where is that thought? Does it make your throat tight? Does it make your gut clench? Does it make your heart shut down? Does it make your eyes bulge? Does it make your head hurt? Where is that obsessive thought in your body? Take it out. Throw it away. Brush it off. Do something physically shake, stomp. Do something to get that obsessive thought like out, there we go, of your head. Physicalize it and remove it.

Lora Cheadle [00:46:09]:
Physicalize it. Remove it. So those are my tips on how to stop obsessive thoughts, how to take back your brain, your body, your mind, your heart, all of that stuff. Going back to the beginning, just to recap. Question number 1, most important, is this helpful or habitual? If it’s helpful, you’re figuring out what you need to know, what questions you need to ask, what support you need to figure get lined up for yourself. You’re figuring out what to do. It’s a to do list. A helpful thought helps create a to do list so you can take action to protect yourself.

Lora Cheadle [00:46:58]:
If it’s also just helpful in keeping you safe, we are there to try to keep you safe. Thank you. Thank that thought. Thank you for being here. I’ve got this. Thank you for making me aware. I’ve got this. Think that thought.

Lora Cheadle [00:47:14]:
Because once you think it, it’s been acknowledged and it’ll leave. That’s when thoughts are helpful. When they’re habitual, use the cognitive restructuring to identify supporting contradictory evidence, challenge that thought, and then restructure it. And then use the hypnosis to anchor that into your subconscious and use the somatic processing to anchor it into your body. Now I rerecorded this because of the whole Eventbrite snafu, thumbs down on that. So you probably have questions. Reach out to me, lauraloriciedel.com. I’m sending this to you.

Lora Cheadle [00:48:02]:
Hit reply. Ask your questions. Let me help you through this. I am here to help you. Let me help you through this. I will answer the questions on this webinar. You should have been here live. If it wasn’t for the whole event bright snafu, you would have been here live.

Lora Cheadle [00:48:22]:
So ask me questions and let me help you 1 on 1. You get kind of a bonus, actually. Maybe it was good that there was a snafu because now you get this bonus. 1 of the things that I talked about with the people who were able to get on live was, yes. This can be taken deeper. When I work with people 1 on 1, we get into things like secondary gain. Secondary gain is huge. And what secondary gain is is when we’re having a thought that we can’t let go of, sometimes it’s because that thought is helping us.

Lora Cheadle [00:49:02]:
And that’s why it’s called secondary gain, something that appears to be hurtful, but in reality, it’s hopeful. An example of secondary gain is if I am broken, I am still hurting my partner. Maybe I wanna punish my partner. Subconsciously, deep down inside, I don’t wanna heal because I want them to understand what a big darn deal this was. I want them to suffer just a little bit more, and I’m not done with them because I’m still angry. It’s okay to feel that way. But when you identify, wow, I’m actually keeping myself hurt and obsessed to punish them? I don’t think it’s worth me hurting just to punish them. Maybe there’s a different way of doing this, of acknowledging that.

Lora Cheadle [00:49:55]:
That’s a secondary gain. Another secondary gain is for yourself. When I was earlier on in the affair recovery journey, I invested more in myself. I invested more time, more energy, more money, more resources towards me because I was so hurting, so broken. So I would invest more money. I would get more massages. I got a coach. I got a therapist.

Lora Cheadle [00:50:24]:
I got like, I invested in the relationship. We did a retreat. I invested money that I normally wouldn’t have invested. I invested time in self development where normally I’d be like, no. I just gotta catch up on No. I’ve gotta work. No. I’ve gotta take care of things.

Lora Cheadle [00:50:41]:
I invested time, money, resources, energy into taking care of me. So if you heal too fast, it means you no longer have the excuse or the justification to invest time, money, energy in yourself. So sometimes there’s this psychological belief. Wow. I’m going to have to not pay for my coach and not pay for my massages if I’m healed. And I really enjoy the self development. And the self awareness that I’m getting from working with a coach, and I’m really loving my massages. So therefore, I’m not gonna heal too quickly so I can still keep seeing my coach, so I can still keep having massages.

Lora Cheadle [00:51:23]:
That’s secondary gain. And so often, we don’t see that in ourselves. We need somebody else to help question us, point things out. And, again, like I said, we can’t do that just all in an hour and go through every single different thing. That’s something that we would work on if if you wanna work together, and we can start questioning it. There’s a lot you can do yourself, but it’s fur you can go further, faster, quicker with a coach challenging you directly 1 on 1. So if you ever want that, reach out. Connect.

Lora Cheadle [00:51:59]:
Let’s have a session or a 6, and let’s get you fixed up. So, again, my deepest apologies for this whole event bright snafu. It was so confusing, and I still don’t really know what happened. I hope you got a lot out of this. Reach out. I am here. I’ve been through it. I know what it’s like, and I look forward to connecting.

Lora Cheadle [00:52:26]:
Yay. You did it. I hope you got a lot out of that. Like I said at the beginning, if you wanna watch the YouTube video, you can hop on YouTube, but I will put the link below. Reach out, Email me, Lora, L0RA, at Lora Cheadle, L0RAC head l e dot com. And I can send you the worksheet or the link to the hypnosis. But, yes, you’re gonna wanna do this cognitive restructuring followed by hypnosis. You’re just gonna want to do that because it’s going to help.

Lora Cheadle [00:53:00]:
Biggest thing, like I said in the workshop, untangle. Untangle. Untangle. Don’t do too much too soon. Do 1 thing at a time. And like I said at the beginning, if you need help, that’s what I’m here for. I’ve been through it too. I’ve made through made every mistake in the book.

Lora Cheadle [00:53:17]:
I’ve been through it. And I will say I am confidently and happily on the other side, and I do know how to take care of myself. Yeah. Do I mess up? Of course. We’re all human. But I truly don’t care about pleasing other people anymore. I care about pleasing myself. And here’s my little caveat around that because so often people will say, well, I don’t wanna be that way.

Lora Cheadle [00:53:41]:
I don’t wanna be obnoxious. Here’s why you’re not going to be obnoxious. You’re not going to be obnoxious because if you’re like me, you care about peace. You care about love. You care about connection, you care about divine sisterhood, you care about all of these things. So in taking care of myself, I am elevating others. So in fearlessly advocating for myself and unapologetically getting what I want and taking what I want, I am bringing everybody else up around me. It’s not about, like I said earlier at the very beginning, other women.

Lora Cheadle [00:54:15]:
It’s not about being obnoxious and bullying yourself and bulldozing through life at the expense of others. That shows the content of your character. And if that’s the content of your character, you’re not a very nice person. And that’s not who you are and that’s not who I am. And when I’m taking care of myself, I’m elevating women. I’m elevating families. I’m elevating kids. I’m elevating empowerment.

Lora Cheadle [00:54:41]:
I’m even elevating men who have made horrible mistakes and truly want to grow and change. In taking care of myself, I am holding other people to a higher standard, and we are all becoming better. And that’s what I know is true for you too. So being selfish is not selfish. It’s elevating others. Again, reach out. I’m happy to answer your questions. Whether it’s about this webinar or anything else, I don’t charge you to answer questions.

Lora Cheadle [00:55:18]:
That’s not what this is about. This is about me supporting you because I’ve been there and because there are not great resources out there and it’s confusing and it’s painful and let me share my gift with you. Let me share my wisdom with you. Let me hold and love on you and support you because that’s what I wished I would’ve had and I am giving what I wish I would have had and I am giving what I want to continue to receive now. So I truly look forward to connecting with you. It’s the human relationships that made all that make all the difference. I know you listen to me. I know I speak to many of you, but if you haven’t reached out, I’m talking to you now.

Lora Cheadle [00:56:04]:
Reach out. Let’s form a connection. Let’s talk. Let’s connect human to human, heart to heart. Have an amazing week. And as usual, always remember to flaunt exactly who you are because who you are is always more than enough.

Narrator [00:56:27]:
Tune in next time to flaunt, find your sparkle and create a life you love after infidelity or betrayal with Lora Cheadle. Every Wednesday at 7 AM and 7 PM Eastern Standard Time on syndicated DreamVision 7 Radio Network. Uncover the truth of what’s possible for you on the other side of betrayal and develop the skills and strategies necessary to embrace the future and flourish today. Download your free betrayal recovery toolkit at betrayalrecoveryguide.com.