We hear a lot about the importance of forgiving the betraying partner, but what about forgiving ourselves? Especially when we’ve done nothing wrong. Forgiveness is a confusing, often circular, and deeply personal journey where we are forced to confront ourselves, our shame, imperfections, and our lack of control over situations or other people. Pull out a journal, kick back, and let’s process the journey of self-forgiveness together in this lovely, meandering show.

Top take-a-ways

1. Accepting responsibility for yourself and your actions (or inaction) while confidently refusing to take on blame or responsibility for what was not your fault.
2. Identifying the myriad of feelings that surface during betrayal recovery and allowing yourself the grace and compassion to feel your feelings without drowning in grief, helplessness, or pain.
3. Claiming the lessons learned from difficult experiences without holding yourself hostage.

Download your Sparkle After Betrayal Recovery Guide at www.BetrayalRecoveryGuide.com, a guide designed to help you take the first steps in feeling better, so you can reclaim your power, own your worth, and start putting yourself, and your life, back together again.

About Lora:

Author, speaker and Burnout & Betrayal Recovery Coach, Lora Cheadle help women rebuild their identity and self-worth so they can find the courage to claim what’s possible on the other side of betrayal. Untangle yourself from the past, reclaim your power, and own your worth so you can create a future you love on your own terms. All with a wink and a smile!

 

Get the support you need to find your footing, begin making sense of it all, and feel better fast. As an attorney, betrayal recovery expert, and survivor of infidelity I can help you find the clarity and confidence to create a life that you love on the other side of betrayal. Book Your Session Here: https://calendly.com/loras-schedule/coaching-session

 

Thank you to BetterHelp for sponsoring this podcast! Take charge of your mental health and get 10% off your first month of therapy at https://BetterHelp.com/FLAUNT 

 

Transcript

 

Narrator:

 

You’re listening to FLAUNT!. Find your sparkle and create a life you love after infidelity or betrayal. Have you been betrayed by life, your body, or someone that you love? You’re not alone. No matter what you’ve been through, naked self worth helps you regain confidence, joy, and enthusiasm so you can create a life you love and flourish. Tune in weekly and learn how.

 

Commercial:

 

This podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp. Have you been struggling lately? Relationship issues impact every area of your life. When I found out about my husband’s infidelity, I was so devastated I could barely function. Sleeping was impossible because I couldn’t shut off my brain. Eating was a challenge because I felt nauseous all the time, and for the first month or so, everything felt pointless. Whether you’re having trouble sleeping, feeling hopeless, or just can’t focus, BetterHelp is here to help you. BetterHelp offers licensed therapists who are trained to listen and help. You can talk to your therapist in a private online environment at your convenience. There’s a broad range of expertise in BetterHelp’s 20,000 plus Therapist network that gives you access to help that might not be available in your area. Just fill out a questionnaire to help assess your specific needs, and then you’ll be matched with a therapist in under 24 hours. Then you can schedule secure video and phone sessions. Plus you can exchange unlimited messages, and everything you share is completely confidential. I know that confidentiality was important for me, especially early on, when I couldn’t even get my own mind wrapped around what was happening. And it was so comforting to be able to speak with someone candidly about everything I was going through to validate that what I was feeling and experiencing was completely normal. You can request a new therapist at no additional charge anytime. Join the 2 million plus people who have taken charge of their mental health with an experienced BetterHelp Therapist special offer to FLAUNT! create a life you love after Infidelity and Betrayal listeners, you get 10% off your first month@betterhelp.com. FLAUNT!. That’s BetterHelp help. FLAUNT!. F-L-A-U-N-T. Thanks again to BetterHelp for sponsoring this podcast.

 

Lora Cheadle:

 

Hello, and welcome to FLAUNT! find your sparkle and create a life you love after infidelity or a Betrayal. I’m Lora Cheadle, and today we’re going to talk about the concept of self forgiveness. And you might be thinking, self forgiveness, but I didn’t do anything wrong. And that’s exactly why we need to talk about self forgiveness today. Because you didn’t do anything wrong. You were victimized by somebody who betrayed you.

And yet still, if you’re anything like most of the women that I work with and coach, there’s still the idea, the belief, the shame around, I should have done something better. What did I do wrong? How could I be so unworthy? How could I be so horrible that he did this to me? That there has to be some reason for him to do it? And that reason must be me, and that reason must be that I did something. And it’s interesting because about half of the people that I work with will go down that rabbit hole and they will convince themselves that there has to be a reason. And that reason has to be something that they did wrong and there isn’t anything that you did wrong. And yet at the same time and hear me with love.

We’re not perfect. We never were perfect. We never will be perfect. And we’re not supposed to be perfect. And we made mistakes in the relationship too. The thing is, the mistakes that we make in the relationship do not cause the other person to cheat. They do not give the other person a reason to cheat. They do not justify the cheating. They’re just that we made mistakes in the relationship because we’re human. And how do we balance acknowledging that, hey, I made some mistakes in the relationship.

Hey, I might have not quite done things with full integrity, I might have messed some things up, I might have consciously ignored and chosen not to address things. How do we hold space for all the things that we did wrong and learn how to do things better while at the same time fully standing in the space of knowing that what we did wrong did not cause or lead to the affair? And that what we did really has no impact on another person’s choices. And that’s a lot of conflicting stuff, and that is what we’re going to unpack today. So this is a show you are not going to want to miss. But before we go into that, I want to tell you a little bit about me.

My name is Lora Cheadle, and I was betrayed by my husband five and a half years ago. And at the time, we had been married for 23 years, and I really thought we were happy. Yes, we had fights, we had disagreements, we had tough times, all of that stuff. But I never took it that seriously. I never thought it was that big of a deal. I was kind of a perfectionist. He’s kind of a perfectionist. We really worked hard at having a good marriage and raising our kids and doing everything right, and I really thought we were on the same page with that. I really thought we were on the same page with that. So when I learned that he had been cheating on me for 15 years, 15 years was the entire time my kids were in school. That’s their entire childhood. He cheated for 15 years with five different women. It completely destroyed me. And I mean completely destroyed me because I didn’t know who I was and I didn’t know what was real. And I didn’t know what was not real.

And being the perfectionist, it was like, how can I go back and fix this and what can I do? And being a lawyer I had to have that mental aspect of understanding it. I had to figure it out. And it didn’t make sense. And I would spend about half the time going back and thinking about like, what caused it and how could this have done it, and what about the time I did this and what about the time I didn’t do that? And what about the time and none of it made sense. And then it would be like instead of turning all the wounding at me, then I or anger at me, then I would turn it at him. How could he and why didn’t he? And the thing is, the truth of the matter isn’t it wasn’t all him and it wasn’t all me.

And also the truth is there’s things that we can unpack and there’s things that we can understand and there’s things that we can make sense of. And hurt people hurt people. And when people are hurt, they act irrational. And when people have experienced trauma, the way their brains work is not rational. So it’s like we can unpack it and we can start talking about it and we can make sense of it to a certain point, but there’s always that last step of being like and I guess I can explain this because this is what I know to be true, but I don’t really get it. I don’t really get it. So in the midst of all of that, we also have to be okay with accepting that some things were never fully going to connect the dots on. And that’s really hard.

Before I found out, yes, I mentioned I was a lawyer. I was a corporate attorney for ten years. I did some divorce, I did some insurance defense, and then I stayed home to raise our kids and to build a part time wellness and coaching business. And my whole specialty around that wellness and coaching was burnout. I was working with women like me who had been in a corporate environment and who were working really hard but burned out because they couldn’t manage all the home stuff, all the family stuff, all the work stuff, all the personal stuff. And what I did was I helped them get back in touch with their health, with their well being. And I loved it. I loved all the different tools. I loved helping people be happy. I loved helping women get energized and enthusiastic because I’m a really happy, energetic, positive person. And I found that so many of the people in the corporate space were being worn down and I just loved helping people become happy again.

So it was really ironic and weird in a way, when the infidelity happened and I found out about it because suddenly it was like, oh my gosh, this is the work that I’d been doing. This is the work that I have been doing for 15 years. But I was doing it not necessarily around betrayal and infidelity I was doing it around Burnout, and it was just really kind of ironic and interesting. I was like, universe. Really? You just did this. This is like, the work that I do, and this is what I teach, and this is what I know. And now you’re challenging me to apply it to myself in a really freaking difficult situation. That’s funny. That’s really funny in a sick, twisted sort of way, that’s really funny, and I don’t appreciate it.

Needless to say, it took me a few years to really delve into my own healing, to really start making sense of it all, to really start figuring it out. And then that’s when I started coaching around infidelity and betrayal specifically because it was like, okay, yeah, if I can do this for Burnout, if I can do this for all these other light things, and now if I can do it for this really heavy thing, which is betrayal, then that means I know my stuff. And when I started reframing that kind of in terms of a, yeah, bring it on. Let’s see what we can do. That’s when I really feel like my healing was complete, where I truly no longer was triggered by things, where I truly was able to apply the skills that I had, where I truly was able to be like, yeah, bring it on.

Bring on more difficult questions and let’s figure it out. So that’s just a little story of me and what I went through and quite frankly, why I know what I’m talking about. And part of this journey around self forgiveness, yes, is something that I went through, but it’s also something that many, many of my clients go through. And I think it’s one of the most difficult things to navigate, because as I said earlier, when you’re victimized, when you were the betrayed partner, you didn’t do anything wrong. And it’s a delicate balance of figuring out where you can be accountable and where you can learn and where you need to forgive yourself and where you are self blaming and where you need to actually quit looking at yourself, quit blaming yourself and completely absolve yourself from responsibility.

My tagline, the tagline for my business is Betrayal uncovers the Truth. Because I believe that betrayal does uncover the truth, not only about what the other person did, but about yourself and about all the things you have not known or maybe have intentionally failed to acknowledge, or all of the things that you’ve known were there, but you’ve just got really, really busy along the way. You need to deal with. And betrayal, as painful as it is, is the perfect opportunity to really uncover the truth and to start looking at yourself, your situation, and other people as they are, not as you want them to be, as they are, not as you want them to be.

Because if you’re anything like me, and most of the women that I coach with we view our partners in the best possible light. We see them as their greatest possible potential. And we’re like, I know they have it in them to be amazing, and we really want that. We really want that. Prince Charming. And we see them from that point of view. And then when something happens, and all of a sudden, the rose colored glasses are off, and we learn what they really did, it’s crushing. And that’s where some of that self blame comes in. Why did I do this? Why was I so stupid? Why didn’t I know? Why didn’t I just admit to myself? Why did I let him gaslight me? Why did I let him manipulate me? Why did I not chase this thing down? Why did I not question that thing? Why did I let this happen? And that’s why you need I need we all need to focus on self forgiveness.

Now, before we go into exactly how to do that, I want to encourage you to go to Betrayalrecoveryguide.com and download your copy of my Sparkle After Betrayal Recovery Guide. It’s a simple, straightforward guide that is going to help you start to navigate this journey with clarity, with courage, and with confidence in every step that you take. So betrayalrecoveryguide.com, download that, and then let’s move on. Okay? How to forgive yourself. What does it mean to forgive yourself? Similar to forgiving somebody else, forgiving yourself means letting yourself off the hook. It means letting yourself off the hook for both actions that you took and inactions that you didn’t take. Letting yourself off the hook doesn’t mean that you just don’t care that you willy nilly go forward. That, oopsie daisy, I made a huge mistake. It means acknowledging identifying what you did. It means taking responsibility for it.

It means being aware, okay, I didn’t know this. I made a mistake here. Being very clear about the thing that you did or the thing that you didn’t do, I didn’t follow up on that, and that was a mistake. I did say that, and that was a mistake. I never went to counseling myself, and that was a mistake. It’s about identifying the things that you did or didn’t do. And once you identify what they are, then you can start taking responsibility for it. Like, you might be looking back in your marriage, and you might say, you know, I really didn’t do a lot of personal work. I never read the books. I never went to counseling. I never had a coach. I was never interested in communication. These are some things that, in hindsight, I wish I would have done differently. It’s not blaming yourself for those things. It’s just identifying and acknowledging, yeah, these are some steps that I could have taken.

Would those steps have changed the outcome? We’ll never know. Maybe not. And that’s not really the point is to Monday morning quarterback it. The point is to identify what are some things that I might need to forgive myself for. One of the things that people talk a lot about is, how could I have been so stupid? How could I have been so stupid? How could I have been so blind? Let’s break that down. How could I have been so blind? So what are you feeling? What are you feeling towards yourself? I’m feeling shame. I’m not really feeling guilt. I’m feeling shame. I’m not really feeling embarrassed. I’m feeling horrified. And I’m feeling shame about why didn’t I know? Because I have this idea that I should have been more awake. I should have been more connected. I should have been more whatever it is for you. Why do you feel like you should have known?

Why do you feel like you should have known? Ask yourself that. What signs did you miss? I definitely missed some signs, but the signs that I missed, looking at them from where I stood, some of them didn’t really make sense. Some of them only make sense in hindsight. So how can you blame yourself for something that you never knew? Did you do the best with what you had? Yeah, if you did, that’s an easier way to let yourself off the hook, because you’re like, yeah, I really did the best with what I had. I am a good, kind, trusting, loving person. I didn’t think I was going to be manipulated. I didn’t think I was going to be gasoline. I trusted because I am trustworthy and I can forgive myself for being a trusting person.

The reason it’s so hard to just make that leap is because we think we should do better. We think we should know better. We want to hold ourselves to a higher standard. But the truth of the matter is we don’t know what we don’t know. We can only do the best that we can do in that moment. And none of us are perfect. Now, if you’re anything like me, you can look back and you can go down that rabbit hole and you can say, I wish I would have known. And you can think about all these things that truly weren’t your fault. But you can also think of some things where you go, dang, I could have asked. I could have been a little bit more compassionate. I could have been a little more curious. I could have done X, Y or Z.

And that’s one of those things that, yeah, going forward, what can you change? What might you change? I look back at some things and I think, I didn’t see them from my husband’s perspective. I didn’t consciously try to put myself in his shoes and to think what he was thinking and to feel what he was feeling. I didn’t do it. The excuse was, I was busy and I didn’t know, blah, blah, blah. But I can also say that somewhere inside of me, yeah, there were some things I think I knew, and those are the things that breed guilt, and those are the things that we absolutely need to forgive ourselves. So I know this is a little convoluted because there’s so many different layers. We’ve got the guilt of the things that we kind of knew we should have done, but we didn’t. And we have the shame over the things we didn’t know but we wished we would have known.

Guilt is about the actions or inactions that we took or didn’t take. Shame is about I’m a really bad person. And most people have some of both. And forgiving yourself really begins by identifying what it is you’re feeling and why you’re feeling. So once you’ve started identifying it, here’s where I legitimately could have done a better job. Here’s where I could have been more compassionate or empathetic. Here’s where I could have listened more or gotten curious or taken more time. And here are the things that you know what? I did my stinking best and anybody in my position would have done the same. Here’s where I truly was victimized. And that is no fair.

The next step is asking yourself, what am I gaining from holding myself hostage over this? What is it getting me laying in bed at night worrying and creating a stomachache? Because I wish I would have known. I wish I would have known. How could I have done that? How could I have been so stupid? What does this mean? Oh, my God. Why didn’t I know? Why did this happen to me? Why couldn’t it have been different? What do you get from that? Because the truth of the matter is we only do something that brings us some sort of a benefit. So what are you getting from holding yourself hostage? Is it one of those things where you think if you think about it long enough, you’ll figure it out? Is it one of those things? This is a deep one. Stick with me. Here where you’re kind of afraid to really place blame, where blame lies. Is it one of those things that you’re afraid to place blame where blame truly lies? Are you afraid of being mad at your husband or partner?

Are you afraid of being mad at the affair partner? Why can’t you blame them? Why are you taking it on? The answer might be because I was friends with her and that’s hard for me to break a friendship. The answer might be because I thought my husband and I were in love and that we were a partner. And it’s going to take me a while to fall out of love. Because that’s the thing too. When we love and trust people, it takes us a while to fall out of love. It takes us a while to assimilate this new information. So maybe you’re holding yourself hostage and blaming yourself while you give yourself permission and time and space to fall out of love.

Think about that. Why are you holding yourself hostage, what good is it doing? What are you getting yourself? Is it just a sense of control? If I can figure it out, then I can have control over it, and I can prevent it the next time. Are you doing it because you don’t want it next time? And you think if you figure it out enough, you will make yourself safe in the future? Because sadly, that won’t happen. Another question to ask yourself around that is, would I forgive somebody else in this situation? If somebody else had done exactly what you had done, would you pearl clutch and be like, oh, my God, that was so awful. I can never, ever forgive them? Or is this something you would forgive them for? Is this something you’d be like, yeah, dang, that stinks. But that is not your fault. That is not your fault.

You might have made an error here. You’re only human, and we’re all human, but that is not a big deal. That did not cause the cheating. And if you would forgive somebody else, then why won’t you forgive yourself? Because sometimes not forgiving yourself is actually kind of an arrogant thing. Do you really think you were so perfect that you couldn’t make a mistake? Wow. There’s a lot of ego in that. And, yeah, I’m ashamed to admit that that’s something that kind of I have struggled with. I was better than this. Not really. Here’s another good question around forgiving forgive yourself, what does the situation remind you of? And what I mean by that is, hopefully this isn’t the second time your life partner has cheated on you and betrayed you. But think back to friendships.

Think back to childhood. Who forgave you, graciously. Who in your life was really, really good at being like, sweetheart, it’s okay. I forgive you. You’ve made amends. You’ve taken responsibility. We’ve talked about it. I love you. It’s okay. It is okay. Who in your life forgives Graciously? And who in your life is really not good at forgiving? Who in your life has held your feet to the fire, has shamed you, has blamed you, has embarrassed you, has vomited their stuff all over you? This is some deep work, and I’d love you to actually journal on a lot of these questions because the answers are usually not top of mind because we usually don’t go around thinking about all the bad things we did and people’s response to us and the way that they forgave us or didn’t forgive us and whether or not their forgiveness or lack of forgiveness was healthy. So if we haven’t had it modeled for us, if others in the world, in our environment, have not modeled how to forgive, how can we ever hope to forgive ourselves?

That’s a tall order, and it’s confusing, and we’re like, I don’t even know what that means, and I’m not even to blame, so why do I have to forgive myself? And then at the same time, why do I still feel like I did something wrong and how do I hold all of this? It’s a convoluted mess. And you might be thinking, yeah, Lora, everything that you’ve said today feels like a convoluted mess. And my response to you is, yes, it feels like a convoluted mess because it is a convoluted mess. This is infidelity. This is betrayal recovery. It’s not linear, it’s not logical. It’s circular, it’s painful. It reminds you of all these other things in your life, and it stirs up every guilty, shame filled emotion from the past. And because infidelity and betrayal cuts to the core of who you are, it also raises all those ugly demons about not being worthy, about not being good enough, which then creates more guilt and shame and more of a need to forgive yourself, because suddenly I have to forgive myself for not being perfect. I wasn’t perfect and I caused this.

Oh, my God. That’s why this is convoluted. That’s why this is circular. I’ve got some other great questions for you. Beginning. I’m pausing. We’re having a brain break here. One more reminder to go to betrayalrecoveryguide.com and download your copy of the Sparkle after Betrayal Recovery Guide. Because, yes, the guide is going to help you take the first steps towards recovery. But in recovery, you really, really need somebody in your corner, whether it’s me or a coach somewhere else, or a therapist or a counselor. You need someone who has gone through it. You need someone who understands that this doesn’t always make sense. You need someone to understand and to walk with you and to untangle all of this. One of the things that I say so often is, have you ever seen like, a clump of necklaces that’s got entangled? Like, you’re traveling and you toss a ton of necklaces together and it’s just a total mess, and you spend a few minutes trying to be like, I can’t figure this out. And you’re laying things out and you’re picking through them and you’re sorting them, and then all of a sudden you find one necklace and you’re like, I can do this.

And you slowly untangle one little necklace strand and then the other side, and you take that whole necklace out and you’re like, wow, mission accomplished. I’ve got one necklace out of that mass. And then suddenly the other necklaces untangle so much easier because you’ve taken care of one thing. And that’s the analogy that I like to use for betrayal recovery, because it is a mass. It’s all this tangled up stuff. Forgiveness of somebody else, forgiveness of yourself, childhood wounds, parenting yourself, remothering refathering. It’s dealing with, like, the patriarchal wounds in society and judgment and religion and shame and self worth and sex and identity and your value as a wife and a mom and you can’t just do it all alone. You really need somebody there reflecting things back to you and validating that it is confusing and it is painful and encouraging you and giving you new tools and tricks and tips to try along the way. And I love doing that and I would love to work with you. I work one on one. Everything is confidential, everything is private.

We just talk, just you and I, and you can just vomit up all this stuff and together we’ll start untangling it. I love my favorite way to work is in a six month coaching package where we get together every month, but I also just work one on one whenever you need it. Betrayalrecoveryguide.com. You’ve got the link for your emergency appointment. You can reach out. And we’ll start walking through this together because it is convoluted and it is confusing.

So back to forgiveness, back to figuring some of this out. Back to the idea of what does this remind you of? Who has forgiven you well and who has never forgive you? Because infidelity and the feeling of being wronged by someone else and of wronging yourself. Harkens. Back to all of those moments in childhood, in middle school and high school where we messed up, in parenting, where we messed up and it’s so easy to fall down this rabbit hole of everything that I’ve ever done is stupid and bad and awful and unworthy when the truth of the matter is we all make mistakes. And unless and until you start forgiving yourself for those mistakes, every single time a new mistake happens or you perceive a new mistake is happening, it’s going to trigger all of the past times where you felt stupid, all of the past times where you made a mistake.

And betrayal uncovers the truth, and it might just uncover the truth of the fact that you don’t know how to forgive yourself and that’s okay. That’s okay. It might not have been modeled well in your life. That’s okay. You might not know how to do it, and that’s okay. Now is your chance to do it. I like to start with definition. Self forgiveness is really striking a balance between taking responsibility, taking responsibility for your mistakes, owning up, learning, taking responsibility, whatever that means, and maintaining a positive sense of self because you have to have that positive sense of self. You have to have that confidence in order to take responsibility for your mistakes. When you fall too deeply into shame, shame is the idea that I am bad. Who I am is bad. Who I am is worthless. When you fall too deep into that, then why would you take responsibility?

And why would you be accountable? Because you think you’re so worthless that you’re not even worth trying. So self forgiveness is striking that balance between, yeah, there are certain things I can control, there are certain things I can take responsibility for, I can be accountable for, I can make amends for. And at the same time, I’m worthy. And if somebody doesn’t want to connect. With me, I’m still worthy. And if somebody doesn’t want to forgive me, I’m still worthy. So that’s what self forgive is.

Now, when you are holding yourself hostage, you are turning all of those negative emotions inwards about all of the things that you should have done differently, that you should have known. The first step is really turning positive emotions into yourself to build yourself up so you can go about the business of forgive yourself. I was saying earlier that you need to identify what it is that you perceive as the problem. When you identify what it is you perceive as the problem, you’ll be able to say, you know what? That doesn’t even make sense.

Or yeah. Dang, I really need to look at that. Once you identify it, that’s when you really have to start building yourself up. Okay, I’ve identified it. Now I have to give myself the courage and the confidence and the strength to do something about it. When we move too fast and when we go right into, I can make amends, can do this. Before we have paused and sat with ourselves and built ourselves up, it makes it easy to stop, it makes it easy to burn out, and it makes it easy to fall down the rabbit hole of shame and self flagellation. So after you’ve identified, you know what? A lot of this was not my fault. But here’s the two or three things that I can be accountable for. Here’s the two or three things that I can make amends for. Here are the two or three things that I can do differently in the future. Then pause and start giving yourself some unconditional positive regard. Wow. I was just able to clearly identify. I was able to clearly let some things go. I was able to feel my emotions fully. I was able to cry. I was able to rage. I was able to feel confusion. I was able to admit that I don’t know how to do this, and I was able to get some help. It’s the turning those positive emotions in towards yourself, affirming what you’ve done so you can build yourself up, so you can continue on this process of self forgiveness.

It’s renewing yourself so you can do the work once you’ve done all that. One of my favorite things to do is use the language around EFT, which is emotional Freedom technique, and the languaging around that is, even though I fill in the blank, I still unconditionally love and forgive myself. And even if you actually don’t feel it right away, as you continue to do it, you will continue to feel it. So start making some lists, filling in that blank. I told you there was going to be a lot of journaling. A lot of these questions are great to journal. Even though I even though I what? Walked away from my power? Even though I abandoned myself, even though I ignored things that were staring me in the face. Even though I was so busy and distracted, I didn’t know what was going on. Even though kind of knew I was being gaslit, but I didn’t know what to do, so I just hung out and did nothing. Whatever it is, even though I fill up a sheet of paper with that, even though I and then after every single sentence repeat, I still unconditionally love, accept, and forgive myself. So this is how that looks.

Even though I ignored some of the signs because I didn’t know what to do about them, I still unconditionally love, accept, and forgive myself. And then walk yourself through your whole list. Even though I didn’t take action years ago, I still unconditionally love, accept, and forgive myself. Work yourself through that list slowly. It’s not like you have to do all of them, but give yourself time to really feel. Really feel and allow yourself also to put in the why. Even though I allowed my husband to hurt me physically and emotionally, because my religious upbringing taught me that men were in charge of me, because I was afraid he would take it out on the kids, because I was too insecure in myself, because I was concerned about finances and I had nowhere to go. Whatever it is, be honest with yourself about that. Because I still unconditionally love, accept, and forgive myself. Because forgiving yourself is about uncovering the truth. It’s about no longer hiding the ball from yourself. It’s about no longer making excuses, and it’s about calling it like it is.

There were problems in my marriage that I didn’t know how to deal with, so I didn’t do anything. There were so many things in my life that I didn’t know how to deal with, and I just didn’t do anything because I didn’t know. Because the truth of the matter is, we can’t all leap on it and take everything on in every moment that it happens. We need time to process. Sometimes we think, is this going to get worse? Is this just a phase? Is this going to get better if I give it too much attention? Is it going to make it worse? If I ignore it, will it get better? That’s not anything to blame yourself for, but it is something to uncover the truth around. Not too long ago, I was reading a self help book, and there was a quiz in it around self worth and, you know, answering it honestly, there were a few answers where I’d think, wow, my self worth isn’t really high in those areas. And the power is in acknowledging it. The power is in uncovering the truth around that.

Because I’d like to say I’m perfect. I’ve done my work. I’ve worked really hard. I’ve done all the things. I have all the education. I’ve worked with so many people. I totally know how to do it now, and I do. And there’s always something else that needs uncovering. There’s always something else. And it’s only when we look at those things and we speak the truth to ourselves can we start forgiving myself. The fact that I still can work on my self worth doesn’t mean that I’ve done anything wrong. It means that I can still work on my self worth. It means that I’m being honest. It might mean that I don’t know what to do and it might mean that I’m working on it. Forgiving yourself takes time. It’s a process. And it’s all worth it in the end. Because when you truly are able to feel all those emotions, fully define the clarity over what is yours and what is not yours, what you can do to make amends and apologize and what is nothing for you to make amends about what you have no reason to apologize when you can get really clear and sort that out. It just makes it easier.

And yes, then it takes courage to do what you need to do. Whether it’s admit something to yourself or admit something to somebody else or go get help or learn a new skill, stretch yourself and get out of your comfort zone. Figure out your finances. Maybe you have to move in with your parents for a while. Maybe you have to get a different job. Maybe you have to do something radically different when you’re clear and then you start acting courageously it builds your confidence. And when you become more confident you feel more worthy. Because you know above all else, you will not lie to yourself. Because you know above all else, you will be true to yourself and you will be honest to yourself. Here is the million dollar point around self forgiveness. The biggest reason that it’s hard to forgive ourself is because we know that we betrayed ourselves. We know that we let ourselves down. And not that that’s the problem because that happens.

That’s human. That’s life. What makes it so painful is we’re afraid we’re going to do it again. And somewhere deep inside we know we’re going to do it more often than we want to admit to. Because we don’t feel worthy enough to keep promises to ourselves. Because we’re scared, because we’re afraid, because we don’t know what to do and we don’t trust ourselves to figure it out. And that is truly, truly what self forgiveness is about. It’s about figuring it out and keeping promises to yourself and knowing that no matter what happens you will take care of yourself. And even if you fail and you make a lot of mistakes that you will have compassion and grace for yourself because you love yourself, because you are worthy, because you are a perfectly imperfect being and because life is hard. And that’s truly the power of self forgiveness and it leads to an enormous amount of self trust, an enormous amount of peace. So make your list even though I and then work through it. I still unconditionally love, accept and forgive myself. And allow yourself to feel the feels, feel the guilt, feel the humiliation, feel the embarrassment, feel the shame and identify it.

And then ask yourself, is this really mine to feel? Or am I taking this on for somebody else? Because as women, we love to take things on for somebody else, we love to take it on. What am I gaining from taking this on? Are you hoping to be the hero? The heroine? Are you hoping to keep yourself down? Are you hoping to never step fulling into your own power? Because if you hold yourself hostage, then you can never truly self actualize. You can never fully being a fully divine sovereign being. Is that why you’re holding yourself back?

Are you afraid of how glorious you could be? What does the situation remind you of? And what is on the other side of self forgiveness? Am I really ready to learn this lesson? Am I really ready to learn this lesson? Because that’s the thing. No lesson is wasted if you learn it. No trouble is wasted if you learn from it. You can do horrible, terrible, awful things. And if it changes you, then it’s worth it. That’s part of the reason that so many couples actually stay together after infidelity. When the cheating partner is really ready to learn from it, they learn. And they learn really, really well if they’re interested in learning. Because making bad mistakes changes you. If you made a mistake, let it change you. Reach out. Connect with me. I would love to work with you and help walk you through this because it’s all about you, what you’re worth. And let me tell you, you are worthy of having it all. You are worthy of being it all. None of this was your fault. Learn what you can about yourself.

Give yourself grace and compassion and always remember to FLAUNT! exactly who you are. Because who you are is always more than enough. Are you ready to break through and find out what’s possible for you on the other side of betrayal? If you are tired of the anguish, the pain, the confusion, the overwhelm or the obsessive thoughts, then reach out. Schedule your one on 1 hour long breakthrough call and together we will figure out what you need to do to break through and get to the other side of betrayal. During our time together, you can explain what’s going on with you. Together we will figure out what it is that’s blocking you. Whether it’s your partner’s stubbornness or inability to move forward on the same page as you mindset, finances, concern about your kids, whatever it is. Together we will figure out what that block is.

And then we will put together a strategy so you can move ahead step by step and get to the other side of betrayal without overwhelm, without confusion, without being distracted and losing focus and wasting time, money, or your valuable energy. Isn’t it time for you to get where you want to be on the other side of this horrific situation, looking back with peace and perspective? When we get together, not only will you have that one on 1 hour long Zoom call with me, but we’ll also record it so everything will be memorialized and you always will have something to go back to so you know your own personalized plan. And you will also receive 30 minutes of follow up Voxer support with me so you won’t lose track, so you won’t get derailed.

And so if you need something adjusted together, we will be able to adjust it. To schedule your appointment, go to betrayalrecoveryguide.com and click on the pop up link or reach out Lora Lora at Loracheedle loracheadle.com and let’s get you scheduled. I can’t wait to help you step back into your power and reclaim your identity, self worth and create exactly the kind of life that you love.

 

Narrator:

 

Tune in next time to FLAUNT!. Find your sparkle and create a life you love after infidelity or Betrayal with radio host and live choreographer Lora Cheadle every Wednesday at 07:00 A.m. And 07:00 p.m.. Eastern time on syndicated Dream Vision Seven Radio network. Develop naked self worth and reclaim your confidence, enthusiasm and joy so you can create a life you love and embrace who you are today. Download your free sparkle through Betrayal Recovery guide@nakedselfworth.com.