While there are many great books or trainings on couple’s communication, one of the most empowering things you can learn how to do as the betrayed partner is learn how to communicate clearly and advocate on your own behalf. This is especially true for women who are often told to “keep it down, be nice,” or “keep the peace.”
Top take-a-ways:
- Gaining clarity on the purpose of your communication, what you hope to accomplish, and what you want to know.
- Slowing down, tracking your answers, and preventing emotional flooding.
- Learning how to use “I statements” followed by a boundary to get what you want.
- The power of citing yourself as your own authority and being brave enough to know that no matter what answers you receive, you will be able to handle it.
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About Lora:
Attorney, speaker and Burnout & Betrayal Recovery Coach, Lora Cheadle believes that betrayal uncovers the truth of what’s possible when we stop focusing on what was done to us and start showing up unapologetically for ourselves. She helps women rebuild their identity and self-worth after infidelity so they can reclaim (or find for the very first time) their confidence, clarity, and connection to source and create their own kind of happily ever after.

Untangle yourself from the past, reclaim your power, and own your worth so you can create a future you love on your own terms. All with a wink and a smile! Learn more at www.loracheadle.com and follow me across all social!
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Transcript
Narrator [00:00:01]:
You’re listening to Flaunt, find your sparkle and create a life you love after infidelity or betrayal. A podcast for women who’ve been betrayed by their intimate partner and want to turn their devastation into an invitation to reclaim themselves and their worth. Tune in weekly so you can start making sense of it all and learn how to be okay on the inside no matter what goes on on the outside. Download your free betrayal recovery toolkit@betrayalrecoveryguide.com.
Lora Cheadle [00:00:35]:
Hello, and welcome to Flaunt. Find your sparkle and create a life you love after infidelity or betrayal. I’m Lora Cheadle, and today, we are going to talk about communication. Even more than communication, we are going to talk about advocacy because communication is one thing, and it’s really good to communicate and get your point across so people can hear things. But what is even more important than just communication is being able to advocate on behalf of yourself and your desires. Because let’s face it, sometimes communication isn’t enough. I am a former attorney, and as you can imagine, attorneys advocate. That’s the job of an attorney, to advocate on behalf of their client so their client can get their needs met, so their client can get what they want, so their client can ideally find justice and get the justice that they deserve.
Lora Cheadle [00:01:43]:
But here’s the thing. Here’s the thing. So often, especially as women, it’s easier for us to advocate on behalf of somebody else than it is to advocate on behalf of ourselves. Why is that? Like, why is that? Why will you go to bat for somebody else? But when it’s you, you’ll go, oh, it’s okay. I can deal with that. I don’t really need it. It’s okay. It’s not okay.
Lora Cheadle [00:02:21]:
It is not up to you to suck it up. It’s not up to you to be the one that says, oh, that’s okay. That’s okay. One of the things that I hear a lot from the people that I work with is the idea that, well, I’m not gonna bring it up because I know it’s gonna cause problems. I’m not gonna bring it up because I know it’s going to rock the boat. It’s going to make our relationship contentious. It’s gonna make us have an icky weekend, so they don’t wanna bring something up. And I get that.
Lora Cheadle [00:02:54]:
Like, I get that. Who wants to intentionally talk about something that’s gonna ruin the weekend? Nobody. But what I ask what I really want to ask you is how does that serve you long term? How does that serve you long term? Because, yes, maybe there’s an event. There’s a graduation. There’s a party. It’s the holidays. No. Maybe driving to that event is not the time to deal with it.
Lora Cheadle [00:03:26]:
Maybe while your kids are home is not the time to deal with it. But really, if not now, when? If not now, when? And what is the cost of you never bringing it up? What is the cost of you not bringing it up? Both the cost to you, but also the cost to the relationship. Because I hear this all the time too. People say, I just want to have a good relationship. Yes. And a good, healthy, intimate relationship means knowing how to manage conflict, means knowing how to communicate and advocate, and make decisions and hold space for differing opinions and needs that maybe not aren’t in perfect alignment with the other person’s needs. Not arguing is not a good thing. Brushing it under the rug is not a good thing, especially if you’re gonna brush it under the rug for long enough that you never come back to it.
Lora Cheadle [00:04:34]:
It’s fine to brush it under the rug while the kids are home. It’s fine to brush it under the rug while your in laws are visiting, but lift up that rug and get under the rug at some point in time in the hopefully not too distant future so you can get your needs met. So let’s talk about communication. Let’s talk about communication. In order to communicate, 1st and foremost, you need to know why you are communicating. You need to know what is the purpose of this communication. What is the purpose of this communication? And I want you to write this down. Number 1 is why.
Lora Cheadle [00:05:20]:
Why am I communicating? What is the purpose? And you’ll be surprised when you start doing this, how often you’re like, I have no idea. I have no idea. I’m just talking, and that’s okay. That is okay too because that’s a purpose. Sometimes you are talking because you wanna share your day. Sometimes you’re talking because you want to create intimacy with another person by sharing your day. Sometimes, you are talking to another person just because you have felt lonely and you’re not really sure what to say and you’re kind of doing it for a bid for conversation. You’re in that space where you’re like, I would really like to talk.
Lora Cheadle [00:06:14]:
I’d really love to go deeper, but I don’t know what to say, so I’m just gonna kinda talk and see if they pick up on something. You can be communicating in order to give information. The kids have a dentist appointment at 2. The dog goes to the vet at 4. I’m going to make pasta for dinner. I need to make sure this is happening here and we’re going you’re communicating information. Sometimes you communicate to receive information, and I want to talk about that too. Because if you are communicating to receive information, it really is helpful to know what kind of information you are hoping to receive.
Lora Cheadle [00:07:03]:
So you communicate for connection. You communicate as a bid for connection. You communicate to give information. You communicate to receive information. Or this is a big one. You communicate to solve a problem, to share and to solve. And when you are communicating to share and solve a problem, oftentimes, these other forms of communication will come into play. How do you know you have a problem? How do you know you have a difference of opinion or a conflicting desire? Well, first, you would have to communicate and give and receive information.
Lora Cheadle [00:07:57]:
Give the information. This is not something I’m okay with. Receive information. What is it that you expect around this? Then you know, okay, we’ve got a difference of opinion, then you need to share and you need to solve. When you’re communicating to solve a problem, so often, especially women, will tend to roll over. They will communicate to solve the problem at the expense of themselves because their entire goal is to solve the problem. And let me tell you, there are a lot of problems we can solve by rolling over. There are a lot of problems we can solve by giving up.
Lora Cheadle [00:08:38]:
But that’s not the point truly of solving all problems. Yes. Sometimes we’re like, I just don’t care. Make the pasta for dinner. I don’t really care. It’s not a big deal. Pizza, pasta, who cares? But when you are solving big problems by betraying yourself, that’s a problem. Because you can only betray yourself for so long before you’re miserable, before you have eaten away at your own heart, your own soul, your own integrity, and you end up saying, I don’t even know who I am anymore.
Lora Cheadle [00:09:20]:
How many of you have said that or thought that? I don’t even know who I am anymore. I’ve given away way too much, and I don’t know who I am anymore. When you’re always solving problems by giving up what you want, what you need, what you expect, that’s what happens. It eats away at the self. Now don’t worry. I’m not gonna leave you hanging. I just wanted to start by talking about why. Why are you communicating? That’s where we’re still at.
Lora Cheadle [00:09:52]:
What is the purpose of this communication? Is it to give information? Is it to get information? Is it to get down to the details and solve a problem? Is it for connection? Is it a bid for bid for connection that you want somebody else? Why are you communicating? Because if you know why you are communicating, then you can know the strategy around it. And even if you’re just communicating for enjoyment, because that’s the thing too, I’m just enjoying it. I’m maybe venting, but maybe not. Maybe I’m just talking. We’re just talking. You know? You’re you’re on a plane and somebody sits next to you and they wanna talk. They’re just talking to alleviate boredom. It’s fun.
Lora Cheadle [00:10:40]:
It can be fun to talk. But no matter what your reason for communicating is, when you know why you’re communicating, it informs what tools and tactics and skills to bring into this communication. So that’s number 1. Why are you communicating? The second thing is figuring out what is your end game? What is your end game? And I know this sounds very strategic, and in some cases, it is and it should be and it can be. But even if your end game is to not be so bored on this long flight where there’s no Wi Fi and your phone battery is dead and you don’t have a book, that’s your end game. Your end game is some sort of entertainment. Your end game is some sort of enjoyment and connection. So why are you talking? Well, for enjoyment.
Lora Cheadle [00:11:42]:
What’s your end game? Yeah. To kinda enjoy myself and to have fun. If you’re talking because you want to connect with somebody, you want to share. Well, what is your end game around that? Usually, it’s I want to feel connected. I want to feel intimate. I want to feel like we are on the same page. I want to draw us closer. So whether you’re talking as a bid for connection or you just flat out are speaking because you want to increase intimacy and connection, your end game is more intimacy.
Lora Cheadle [00:12:20]:
Your end game is more connection. Same thing with giving and receiving information. You’re communicating in order to give information. Why? So somebody will know. So somebody will pick the dog up at the vet. Pick the kids up. Drop them off at school. You’re communicating information so often because you want or need somebody to do something for you.
Lora Cheadle [00:12:45]:
I am communicating to you that the kids have dentist appointments, but the next step is an ask. Or you’re communicating because you want to know you want somebody to know what you did all day long. You want somebody to know why you’re so busy. So if I’m giving you information about my psycho crazy day and then the dog threw up and then a car ran across the front lawn, and I had to manage it, and I had to call them. Why are you communicating that? Sometimes we just want somebody to know what our day was like so we can have connection, so we can feel like we’ve been heard. So see why that’s a different reason why in the giving information category, the endgame is different. The reason why is I’m giving you information, but what is your end game? To get somebody to do something is different than to increase intimacy. I am communicating and giving information because I want you to see me, because I want you to feel me, because I need you to do something, because I’m hoping that you’ll offer to help.
Lora Cheadle [00:14:04]:
See, there’s that little manipulative thing, and I do it’s passive aggressive. It’s manipulative. I’m just gonna say that. Sometimes we communicate to give information as a subtle way of hoping that somebody will jump in that we don’t have to ask. Like, if I say, why am I communicating? Well, I’m going to give you information about my day. Okay. Wonderful. What is the why? What is your end game? Well, because I’m really hoping you’ll take me out to dinner.
Lora Cheadle [00:14:33]:
Because I’m really hoping you’ll see I’m not lazy and unorganized, that just a lot happened today. And even though I said I was going to cook dinner, I really want you to take charge to start making decisions and to take me out because I am exhausted. What is your end game? And, I mean, not proud to admit this, but so often, our end game is slightly manipulative. It just is. It’s slightly manipulative because we’re hoping somebody will see us, and we’re hoping somebody will take action that will make us feel good. I’m telling you this because I’m hoping you step in. I’m telling you this because I’m hoping you blah blah blah blah blah. And on the one hand, no.
Lora Cheadle [00:15:30]:
There’s nothing wrong with giving hints. No. There’s nothing wrong with putting it out there and hoping somebody does nice things for you. But here’s where the problem does come in. When you are putting it out there and you’re hoping somebody does something nice for you and you’re wanting them to step up to the plate and they don’t, how are you gonna feel? How are you gonna feel? You’re gonna feel dropped. You’re gonna feel neglected. You’re gonna feel mad. You are going to feel disappointed.
Lora Cheadle [00:16:03]:
You’re gonna feel let down. You’re gonna feel any number of ways that are not pleasant. So my question to you is, why are you setting yourself up for failure then? Why are you setting yourself up to be disappointed? And you know what’s really hard about that is so many of us stumble on that answer, and we’re like, I yo wow. I don’t know. And so often, it comes around to an unrealistic expectation. And that unrealistic expectation is my partner should know. My mom should know. My friend should know.
Lora Cheadle [00:16:50]:
My sister should know. My coworkers should know. They should know me well enough. Bye now. They should know that this means blah blah blah blah blah. Okay. Maybe, but should they? Maybe, but should they? And if you were a clear communicator, if you were really good at self advocacy, and if this is something that you really need and really want, why leave it to chance? Like, why leave it to chance? If you were picking the winning line lottery numbers, and you knew that these numbers were the winning lottery numbers, would you just tell somebody, go pick my regular lottery numbers you know what they are? Or would you confirm, I know the winning numbers. I got the inside scoop on this one, and these are the winning numbers.
Lora Cheadle [00:17:45]:
You’re not gonna take it to chance. You’re going to confirm because you want to get your needs met. So I bet you know this next question I’m gonna ask. Right? Why are you not doing everything possible to get your needs met? Why are you taking some of your communication a little bit less seriously? Why aren’t you doing everything possible to make sure your partner, your spouse, your friend, your family member does exactly what you want them to do. Couple of things. Well, I want to be so loved, and I want to be such the princess that people just know. That’s my little girl desire. My little girl desire is to be taken care of.
Lora Cheadle [00:18:43]:
My little girl desire is to have somebody meet all my needs. My little girl desire is to not have to figure it out for myself. My little girl desire is that somebody else bigger and stronger and wiser and smarter than me will know what I want, and they will do what I want. I don’t want to have to take accountability and responsibility for myself. And if I do if I do take accountability and responsibility for myself and speak up for what I want and need and something goes wrong, who will I have to blame? Who will I have to blame? The only person to blame will be me. Ugh. Who wants that? Who wants that? Even if it’s simple, like choosing a restaurant. Isn’t it easier if somebody else chooses it and then the menu is really, really bad, and you’re like, wouldn’t have chosen that anyway? Think about your finances.
Lora Cheadle [00:19:51]:
Think about your finances. If somebody else invests and there’s a mistake or they’ve picked a bad stock, Isn’t it kind of fun in a twisted sort of way to be like, well, I wouldn’t have chosen that one? When we speak up and communicate and advocate on our own behalf and something goes wrong, there’s nobody to point a finger at. And that’s part of growing up too, and it really is hard, isn’t it? It’s so much easier to blame than it is to take responsibility. And here’s kind of the next part about that. First of all, we talked about why are you communicating? What is the purpose of this communication? Second thing is what is your end game? And here’s the natural fallout of that and all of that slightly manipulative behavior and things like that. To have an end game, you need to know what you want. You need to know what you want. And quite frankly, most of us don’t know what we want.
Lora Cheadle [00:21:00]:
We don’t exactly know what we want. We wanna feel better. We wanna feel better. What does that look like? We don’t really know. We don’t really know. So especially when you are communicating with your partner after infidelity, it is crucial to know what you want, to know what is your endgame, specifically, What do you want to find out? Because if your end game so breaking this back down. What is the purpose of this communication? Well, to find out about the affairs or affair. Perfect.
Lora Cheadle [00:21:47]:
What is your end game? To find out more about the affairs. Well, what? Are you having this conversation to find out dates? Are you having this conversation to find out names? Are you having this conversation to find out your partner’s emotional state? What is it that you want to know and then just loop it back around. Why? Why? Do you want to know it because your core value is truth? And in order to go forward with this relationship or to determine if you’re going forward in relationship, you need to have full transparency. Perfect. Or are you finding some things out because you’re trying to figure out where you stand in this whole mess? You’re trying to figure out, was it really about me? Was it really about the weight I’ve gained? Was it really about our lack of sex? Was it really about whatever it is? Are you communicating to seek information around that so you can fill in some gaps and figure out what could I have done differently? Figure out what it is that you want to know. So, yes, your end game can be kind of broad, but figure out what specifically you want to know. Because, especially in the ethereum realm, you don’t get all your questions answered all at once, and one question leads to 15 other questions. And it’s really important for satisfaction to be able to close that loop in your brain and to be like, yep.
Lora Cheadle [00:23:37]:
I got that answered. Names? Check. Got it. Dates? Check. Got it. What was she wearing? Check. Got it. What was her body type? Check.
Lora Cheadle [00:23:47]:
Got it. Did you have feelings of love? Check. Got it. Because there is such emotional flooding that comes with getting information that is so easy to lose track of what you’re asking and why and what has been answered In a court of law, you’ve got your attorneys arguing the case, and the attorneys get to question witnesses. And you can either call your own witness and ask them questions to prove your case, or you can cross examine the other party’s witnesses, either to punch holes in their testimony to find out where they’re lying, to do something to discredit them. And in doing that, there’s a whole list of rules, evidentiary rules, and those rules are things that you have to follow. You can’t just ask somebody to speculate. So you might say, objection, your honor, speculation.
Lora Cheadle [00:24:56]:
If opposing counsel is asking the witness to speculate, if opposing counsel is asking the witness to speak to something that they don’t that they don’t know they’d have to speculate about. Hearsay. Objection. Hearsay. That is if you’re asking somebody to tell you something that they heard somebody else say that somebody else is doing. It’s not their direct knowledge. It is that they heard somebody else talk about it. That’s hearsay.
Lora Cheadle [00:25:25]:
One of the objections is asked and answered. Objection, asked and answered. You can’t keep hammering away asking the same question. And the reason sometimes lawyers do this is they try to get the witness to trip up. So they’ll ask the same question in slightly different ways or slightly more convoluted and confusing ways. And while it can be okay to ask a question a couple of different ways to clarify, Asked and answered is the objection that comes up when you’re just hammering away with the same question, And that happens a lot when you’re trying to unpack infidelity. You ask the same question because your brain doesn’t really even know or recognize that you’ve already gotten the answer on that. Again, you can ask it a couple of times, yes, but it’s something you don’t wanna go back to and perseverate on.
Lora Cheadle [00:26:26]:
And part of the reason that we have obsessive thoughts is because we let our communication run amok, because we are not clear and conscious in what we want to know, and we are not clear and conscious in being aware as to when our questions have been answered. And, yeah, it helps to write it down sometime. Why do I wanna have a conversation with my spouse? Why do I wanna have a conversation with my party partner? What is my end game? What are the 10 things that I wanna know? Because you can’t unpack infidelity all at once. And that’s another communication tip that I have is go slow. Yes. Other questions will come up. Write it down. I’m standing here recording the show with my pen in hand and my paper in hand, as I always do, because I like writing down things as they come up because it’s like, oh, I don’t wanna forget that.
Lora Cheadle [00:27:25]:
Have conversations with your spouse and then stop having conversations with your spouse and go sit down and journal. Go sit down and write the answers that you know. Now I know that. My question about has been answered. This leads to the follow-up question, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You’ve got to be a little more scientific about it. You’ve got to keep track. There’s a lot here, and it brings up so much, and you will flood emotionally.
Lora Cheadle [00:28:00]:
You will flood emotionally. You need some guardrails. You need something to hang on to. You need rules of engagement. You need to learn how to communicate and how to advocate for you. Couples communication is an entirely different thing. There’s amazing programs on safe communication, on Amago dialogue. There’s all of these great tips and tools and tricks and programs and books on communicating as a couple, and that’s not what I’m talking about.
Lora Cheadle [00:28:36]:
I’m talking about you communicating as an individual and, specifically, you communicating as a woman because, as women, our voices were shut down. Our voices were shut down. As kids, most women are told to be quiet, to look pretty, to play nice, to be kind, to let other people have their way. We are called bossy. We are called loudmouths. Girls and women are not taught to communicate clearly or forcefully. They are not taught to advocate. We are taught to suck it up.
Lora Cheadle [00:29:25]:
We are taught to play nice. We are told to make things go smoothly, and we end up as the ones who are in pain because we are stuffing it all down. So the kind of communication I’m talking about is communicating for you so you can be a better communicator regardless if it’s with your partner, if it’s a friend, if it’s a coworker, even if it’s your kids. All of these apply. Why are you talking to your teenager right now? What is your end game? What specifically do you want to know? And can you check it off and be like, yep. Already been asked and answered. And just to recap, the reasons we don’t know this, the reason we don’t do this, the reasons we get a little passive aggressive sometimes, the reason we just want to be the princess and make sure somebody meets our every need is because we don’t want to take full responsibility. It’s scary.
Lora Cheadle [00:30:30]:
It is. We’re setting ourselves up for failure because it’s a little bit easier to be a martyr than it is to assert ourselves and then have things blow up in our face. And I’m just gonna own that one because it’s a hard one to own. But isn’t it true? Isn’t it sometimes just easier to be a martyr with a negligent husband or a martyr who really is never rewarded the way they should be than it is to get out there and rock the boat and advocate and have uncomfortable conversations and maybe be forced to make a decision that we don’t like. Because that’s the thing. When we have all the information, when all the cards are on the table, it means we have to make a decision. If we have these conversations with our partner and our partner tells us things that we don’t wanna know or that we’re not okay with, where does that leave us? Oh my god. I have to make a decision now.
Lora Cheadle [00:31:36]:
I have to decide to leave because that’s in in alignment with my values, or I have to decide to totally self betray and play nice and stay here anyway and find a workaround. And I wanna be transparent. It’s okay to find a workaround. If you’re okay having a workaround, that’s fine. I’m not saying that everybody has to live in a 100% alignment with our values in every single relationship. Sometimes you might put all the cards out on the table, your spouse puts out all the cards on the table, and you guys both think, you know what? This really isn’t what we want. This really isn’t what we want, but at the same time, we really don’t wanna blow up the family either. So a workaround might be, and then you come up with a different solution.
Lora Cheadle [00:32:35]:
I don’t want an open marriage, but that doesn’t mean that other people in their partnership can’t have an open marriage. Talk to your spouse. Get really honest about yourself. Maybe we are just staying together for the kids. Maybe we’re staying together because we’re really good companions, but we’re each gonna open up this marriage because we wanna start having more intimacy of emotion and or physical connection with other people. It’s scary to put all the cards on the table because it means we then have to decide. And that decision might be there is no viable workaround here. It’s not who I am.
Lora Cheadle [00:33:23]:
It’s not what I want. My beliefs are such that I only want to be in a marriage that supports these needs, and these needs aren’t being met. So now what do I do? It’s scary, and I want to give a voice to that. It is scary. I didn’t want to ask my partner. I knew very clearly inside. I wanted to ask if he had any feelings of love for any of his affair partners, but especially the one that he was in the longest term affair with because it was mostly emotional. And they texted, and they were, quote, unquote, friends.
Lora Cheadle [00:34:05]:
So I really wanted to know, was there love there? Is this somebody that you were pining away for? And I wanted to know it, but I was terrified to ask because I didn’t wanna know. Because what if he said yes? Like, what if he said yes? This was the most meaningful experience of my life. I’m committed to you and the kids, but this is where it’s at for me. Oh my god. I didn’t wanna know that, but I wanted to know that. I was just afraid of the answer. And it took me a while to figure out that I would be okay no matter what the answer was and that what mattered the most to me was knowing the truth, That my values are around truth and integrity and justice, but that I needed to know. And that even if my worst fears were confirmed, I was confident enough that I could take care of myself, that I can manage it even if it was the answer that I didn’t want.
Lora Cheadle [00:35:05]:
And that was when I finally asked. And I didn’t just drop the question out of the blue. I asked my husband if we could talk. I said, I have a really difficult question to ask you, and I’m I am afraid of the answer, but I am okay either way. The reason I haven’t asked it is because I needed to take time to make sure I was okay either way. And here’s my question, and then he answered it. And, fortunately, his answer was, oh my god. There was no love there.
Lora Cheadle [00:35:43]:
I actually am embarrassed by how much I kind of used her. She was so easy because she was always there, and she would always she would always validate me. And sometimes I would even ask kinda crazy things because I would hope she would validate me, and then I would say, sure enough, she would validate me no matter what. She really didn’t push back on things, and I, quote, unquote, loved that. I loved the way she would always show up. I loved the way she would validate anything. I loved the way anything that I did was perfect for her, but I didn’t love her. I knew I was kind of actually using her and manipulating her.
Lora Cheadle [00:36:33]:
And we had that conversation, and that was his answer. And I got the answer that I had hoped for, quite frankly, but I was also okay knowing that no matter what the answer was, that knowing the answer was more important to me and that I could figure it out. So that is the why around communication, and that truly is the place that we need to start. Why are you communicating? What is your end game, and what specifically do you wanna know? And then check it off for yourself to keep track. You must keep track of your answers if you want to break out of that obsessive thoughts loop. Now, I want to move into a little bit around communication strategy, because communicating is a skill. And like I said earlier, as women, as girls, we are not taught how to communicate. We are not taught how to advocate.
Lora Cheadle [00:37:38]:
We are taught to please. Like I always say, we are taught to please, we are taught to conform, and we are taught to perform. We are taught to prove our worth. We are taught to fight for men’s attention. We’re taught to serve others. We’re taught that kindness and gentleness is a virtue and that the best, most highest ideals a woman can have are to have, like, that ideal of I will sacrifice for my family, which, hello, it’s been a little bit of a martyr. And, yeah, I fell into that. Yeah.
Lora Cheadle [00:38:17]:
I still have to fight myself sometimes on a 2 because I’m like, what? What am I doing? What am I saying? I have to figure this one out. So let’s talk about some strategies. And before we get into the strategies, I also want to call out that as you’re learning strategies, as you’re learning to communicate differently, as you’re learning how to advocate on behalf of yourself, as you’re learning how to speak clearly, you are going to feel uncomfortable because it’s new. You are going to feel uncomfortable, and that’s okay. There are tools that you can use to help manage the discomfort, and that’s one of the things that I do so often when I am coaching my people individually. I will help you craft your communication. I will help you identify what it is you want and then advocate on behalf of yourself, and then I will have you call me and be like, I’m doing this and I feel wildly uncomfortable. And then I will give you some tools to manage that anxiety.
Lora Cheadle [00:39:26]:
Because as you’re learning a new skill, anxiety will increase. As you’re learning a new skill, anxiety will increase because you’re doing something you don’t know how to do. So then it will help give you a skill to knock down that anxiety so that the next time you do it, you’re not quite as anxious. The next time you do it, you’re even less anxious. By the 5th or 6th time you do it, you’re like, I know how to do this. I know how to do this, and I don’t even feel uncomfortable anymore. It just feels normal. And that is where you want to be.
Lora Cheadle [00:40:02]:
So on to strategies. How do I communicate what I want? Here’s the answer. Use I statements and boundaries. An I statement is a statement of communication where you take ownership of what you think, what you want, what you feel. You’re not saying so and so says I should, or you told me I should, or you better tell me what’s going on with that affair. You better admit to it. You better tell me. Whenever we poke at somebody using the word you, it automatically puts somebody on the defensive even in the best of times.
Lora Cheadle [00:40:49]:
But when they are, quote, unquote, guilty, when they have done something wrong, it’s gonna gonna put them on the defensive further and faster, and you are going to not get the information that you need. And after all, the point of the communication is to satisfy your needs, to get your needs met. Because like we talked about earlier, don’t set yourself up for failure. You want to get your needs met. So if you want to get your needs met, you need to ask questions in a certain way. Use I statements. I have a question that I would like to ask you. Totally different vibe than we should talk about the affair.
Lora Cheadle [00:41:32]:
I would like to find out if there were any feelings of love between you and the affair partner. That’s one question. That’s not, I wanna know how much you loved her. That’s an assumption. I wanna know what you did and what you said and what it was about her and compound, complex, too much, too much. Be very clear. I want to know if there were any feelings of love between you and the affair partner, and get the answer for that. Thank you and move on.
Lora Cheadle [00:42:13]:
Next, I would like to know, ask that question. A single thing so you are not flooding both your brain or your partner’s brain. Because this is a lot of information, and it’s very sensitive information, and it’s very shame inducing information, and it’s very fear based information. Go slow. Figure out what you want, use an I statement, and ask your question. Now something that I share with my coaching clients a lot too is a lot of the details in the use of languaging to get somebody to come around on your side. It would be too hard to share all of that in the show, but there are tools when your partner is being that you can use to bring them in. There are tools that you can use that lets them know you already know certain things.
Lora Cheadle [00:43:17]:
There are tools that you can use that subconsciously establish a base of connection or a base of understanding. And that if you use that kind of languaging with them, you can move the conversation along more quickly. So if you’re curious about that, even if you just wanna book a session or 2 with me, you can absolutely do that, and we can break down the communication in your specific situation. And I can give you the words and the phrases to use when your partner’s being obstinate, when your partner continues to lie, when your partner is nonresponsive. It’s just that that’s too much to do here. So these tips and these tools are just very first level general communication, and that’s using the I statements and then stopping. Just ask one question at a time. I want or I need.
Lora Cheadle [00:44:17]:
Different statements. I need to know if you loved your affair partner or not. What you don’t need to say is because that determines whether or not I’m gonna stay, but that might be something that you think inside. Do you need to know it because it changes your willingness to stay? Or do you just want to know it because it satisfies a curiosity? Differentiate that for yourself and use want and need clearly and accurately in your communication with somebody. And always put yourself at the center of your communication. Again, not you need to talk to me about, we should, I need to know this. I want to know. I’m curious.
Lora Cheadle [00:45:16]:
Be very clear in what it is that you’re asking so you get the kind of response that you really want and desire. The other part of communicating clearly and self advocacy is placing boundaries around things. I statements mean, like I said, you speak about what you want, what you need, what you desire, what you’re curious about, and you speak clearly and accurately from your own point of view. Because when you’re speaking from your own point of view, nobody can argue with you. I mean, they can or deny you, but you still can come back. But that’s not what I’m feeling inside. But I do want that because yourself you’re always using yourself as the point of reference, and that’s what gives power to your communication. So often, we think citing a higher authority will give us more power.
Lora Cheadle [00:46:15]:
Citing a higher authority does not automatically give you more power. People believe God says, my therapist says, a counselor says, yes. You can take an authority. You can say, my coach says, my counselor says, but then you have to relate it to yourself. That statement is important to me because I am entitled to, I deserve to, I want to. Because what you wanna avoid is giving anybody a reason to argue with you. You want to avoid being in a position of having to defend yourself, your wants, and your needs. It doesn’t you know, all that no is a complete sentence.
Lora Cheadle [00:47:08]:
It doesn’t matter sometimes if you need or want or desire or are curious. It’s still a valid need. It’s still a valid want. It’s still a valid curiosity. So you can listen to somebody. If I say to my partner, I’m really curious. Did she have, like, the fancy bra and panties on, and was this really sexy? And he says, why do you wanna know that? It doesn’t matter. I’ve already stated I’m curious, and then I can expand on that if I choose.
Lora Cheadle [00:47:46]:
I’m curious because I have this image in my head, and the image of my head is pretty fanciful, and I just wanna confirm or deny if that’s the right image because you know why you’re asking it. I’m asking it to get the thought out of my head. And at the same time, being asked that can give you that more clarity. Why am I asking it? But it’s not something that you have to defend if then your partner says, well, that’s not reasonable or that’s not rational or that doesn’t make sense. It’s my desire. It makes sense to me. It’s the thought that stuck in my head. It makes sense to me.
Lora Cheadle [00:48:33]:
And going back and referencing yourself as your own authority truly is where the power is. Because then if you start saying, well, my coach says or the affair book that I read says, then you get in this whole loop of why that’s not valid. When you reference yourself as the authority, it keeps it grounded in you. It can allow you to self reflect and go a little bit deeper, and it also allows the other perp person to see you as an authority too and to respect you as authority because you are respecting yourself as your own authority, because you are your own authority. You truly are your own authority. And it doesn’t matter if I think that’s a crazy question or if I don’t think that matters or if, objectively, nobody else in the world thinks that matters. If it matters to you, that’s enough. That’s enough, and you get to ask that question.
Lora Cheadle [00:49:36]:
You get to advocate for whatever it is that you want. It doesn’t have to make sense to somebody else. Now the next part of self advocacy besides keeping yourself as your own authority, being very clear in what you wanna know and why, what it means to you, and, like I said, keeping track of those answers, is creating boundaries around your communication. Because if you’re communicating to get some more information and that information is not forthcoming, you need to know what you’re gonna do about it. You need to know what you’re gonna do about it because demanding doesn’t work. Getting hysterical doesn’t work. Flooding the other person with questions doesn’t work. What works is getting slow, slowing down, getting more logical, getting more granular, and then figuring out truly what it is you’re going to do or not do.
Lora Cheadle [00:50:40]:
It’s one thing to say, unless you tell me what’s going on, I’m leaving. Well, okay. First of all, that’s huge and broad. What’s going on encompasses a lot from are you cheating to what was the color of the bra that she wore. That’s a lot. And then second of all, are you really ready to back it up and to leave? Are you really ready in 15 minutes’ time when this conversation doesn’t go the way that you want it to go to actually pack your bags and leave? Because if you’re not, that’s an empty threat, and you have just made yourself look weak. Do not communicate in a way that makes you look weak. It’s hard not to exaggerate.
Lora Cheadle [00:51:19]:
It’s hard not to exaggerate each and every time, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I always blah, blah, blah. You never. But when you do that, it makes you weak. And I know, like me, you might be thinking, but that’s just my personality, and everybody knows I use hyperbole. Okay. No. We’re talking communication for a purpose, not just communication to communicate because we’re bored.
Lora Cheadle [00:51:55]:
When we have a purpose, we have to be impeccable with our words. We have to communicate exactly as it is in order to signal to the other person that we are in integrity around this. We are serious around this. We are taking notes. We are not going to throw them under the bus with generalities and that we mean business. We have upped our level of professionalism. So it’s important to not exaggerate, to slow down, to ask single questions, to stop the conversation, break away, give yourself time to process, cite yourself as your own authority, not exaggerate, and only say things that you are willing to do. Only say things that you are willing to do.
Lora Cheadle [00:52:56]:
So many of us throw up boundaries and don’t follow through. That’s a threat. So many of us think boundaries are telling somebody else they need to do something when truly a boundary is a statement of what we are going to do if something doesn’t happen, and then we get all confused why our boundaries aren’t working. If you’re having a conversation with somebody and they’re not telling you something that you desire to know, and it’s one specific fact, whatever it is. Did you cheat on our anniversary? Very clear, very specific. And somebody’s saying, I don’t wanna talk about it. You can’t make me answer. It’s not for you to know.
Lora Cheadle [00:53:37]:
What does it matter? All of those things. You don’t need to answer. Thanks for that clarity. I am hearing you say that you’re not going to answer. This question is important to me. Until this question gets answered, I am going to be staying in the guest room. Until this question gets answered, I will be living at my best friend’s. Until this question gets answered, I will be in a hotel.
Lora Cheadle [00:54:11]:
Until this question gets answered, no further appointments with blah blah blah blah blah. Be very specific and not angry about what will happen until this question. This is the next question. We’ve gotta get through it. Not a threat. Not, I won’t cook you dinner. That’s a threat. Not, you can’t expect anything from me until you answer that question.
Lora Cheadle [00:54:36]:
That’s manipulating somebody else’s behavior. It’s what you are going to do. Until this questions gets answered, I will. That’s a boundary. I statements and boundaries are both about the I. I need to know, and unless this gets answered, I will. And really think about it. It isn’t feeling manipulative.
Lora Cheadle [00:55:01]:
I will not cook you dinner. That feels a little bit like a threat, and that feels a little bit manipulative. I will not be engaging in any further conversations until this gets answered. I will not be attending couples counseling. I can’t I can’t move on until this question is answered. There’s a lot here. Communication is hard, but what I want to leave you with is the fact that, first, none of us were taught how to communicate, let alone advocate on our own behalf. We were all taught not to rock the boat.
Lora Cheadle [00:55:40]:
When we don’t rock the boat, we’re betraying ourselves. We were also taught to be nice and to be kind and to just put up and shut up. When we put up and shut up and when we’re nice and kind, we hurt ourselves. A lot of us were taught to use slightly passive aggressive or manipulative communication because it’s more ladylike, because it’s less direct, because it doesn’t look like we’re being aggressive. But that way, you don’t get your needs met, and that sets you up to be a victim. That sets you up to be the martyr. If your needs are important, you will learn how to advocate. If your needs are important, you will learn how to speak up and communicate and advocate differently.
Lora Cheadle [00:56:25]:
Yes. You will feel uncomfortable during this learning process, and that’s okay. It’s always uncomfortable to learn something new. You’ll get through it. I can help. This is one of my specialties is co creating the language that you need to respond to your partner in the moment. That’s one of the big benefits of my packages is you have Voxer access to me. So in the moment, we talk about it.
Lora Cheadle [00:56:48]:
You’re not waiting a month and saying there was this bad conversation, but I can’t exactly remember what was said. I’m there co creating the language with you. I’m there co creating the re response with you. I am there whispering in your ear in every single moment how to respond. Communication is collaborative that you are in charge of you. I statements cite your own authority, which is you. Be very clear and very impeccable with your words. And then if push comes to shove, set up a boundary for yourself, what you will or what you will not do if this communication is not going forward and you are not getting your needs met, which circles all the way back around to why you need to know what it is that you want to know.
Lora Cheadle [00:57:40]:
Oh my goodness. Reach out. Book an appointment with me. Let’s sit down and let’s get this figured out because good communication and being a good communicator is going to help you in every single area of your life for the rest of your life. Lora atlauracheadle.comorlauracheadle.com. I can’t wait to connect. And in the meantime, have an amazing week, and always remember to flaunt exactly who you are because who you are is always more than enough.
Narrator [00:58:16]:
Tune in next time to flaunt, find your sparkle and create a life you love after infidelity or betrayal with Lora Cheadle every Wednesday at 7 AM and 7 PM Eastern Standard Time on syndicated DreamVision 7 Radio Network. Uncover the truth of what’s possible for you on the other side of betrayal and develop the skills and strategies necessary to embrace the future and flourish today. Download your free betrayal recovery toolkit at betrayalrecoveryguide.com.