Betrayal, as painful as it is, can serve as a profound revelation about oneself. Betrayal not only exposes the truth about the person who betrayed us but also unveils deep-seated wounds within us. While betrayal hurts, it doesn’t damage our core self. When we delve into the idea that external actions, no matter how hurtful, cannot change the essence of who we are, we heal. For real.
Taking responsibility and control over one’s life means moving beyond blaming others and focusing on that which we can control – ourselves and our personal growth and healing. Facing uncomfortable truths, unlearning negative patterns, and embracing a journey of self-worth and integrity is ultimately what empowers us to navigate the aftermath of betrayal.
- The Power of Decision: Making the decision to embark on a journey of self-discovery is the first crucial step. It involves acknowledging the need to understand oneself better and committing to the process.
o Key Takeaway: The journey starts with a conscious decision to look within and figure out who you are, instead of focusing on the harm that was done to you.
- Navigating the Work: Once the decision is made, the real work begins. Understanding what this work entails and how to stay committed is essential. Internal and external support become valuable tools in navigating this journey.
o Key Takeaway: Stay committed to building up your inner resources, and use external support until you are strong enough to do things on your own.
- Questioning Addiction to Pain: Reflect on whether there might be an addiction to pain and drama. Understanding why some individuals avoid addressing issues and choose to live in cycles of pain is essential for growth.
o Key Takeaway: Challenge the addiction to pain and consciously choose a path of healing and self-improvement.
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Attorney, speaker and Burnout & Betrayal Recovery Coach, Lora Cheadle believes that betrayal uncovers the truth of what’s possible when we stop focusing on what was done to us and start showing up unapologetically for ourselves. She helps women rebuild their identity and self-worth after infidelity so they can reclaim (or find for the very first time) their confidence, clarity, and connection to source and create their own kind of happily ever after.
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You’re listening to Flaunt. Find your sparkle and create a life you love after infidelity or betrayal, a podcast for women who’ve been betrayed by their intimate partner and want to turn their devastation into an invitation to reclaim themselves and their worth. Tune in weekly so you can start making sense of it all and learn how to be okay on the inside no matter what goes on on the outside. Download your free betrayal recovery firstname.lastname@example.org.
Lora Cheadle [00:00:35]:
Hello, and welcome to Flaunt. Find your sparkle and create a life you love after infidelity or betrayal. I’m Laura Cheadle, and I like to say that betrayal uncovers the truth. And, you know, betrayal uncovers the truth, not only about the person who betrayed you And what was really going on in your life, but it also uncovers the truth about you, about who you are, about what’s possible for you on the other side of this betrayal recovery journey. But it also uncovers those wounds inside that may not have been healed or addressed. Those wounds that we all have, whether it’s abandonment, mother wound, father wound, any of those different things, All of those wounds get revealed when we have been betrayed. And, oh my goodness, does it hurt? It hurts so much. And, yes, infidelity hurts for many reasons, for many Obvious reasons.
Lora Cheadle [00:01:56]:
You know? Like, the person that you loved and trusted more than anybody in the universe suddenly has stabbed you in the back and betrayed you? Yeah. That hurts. The fact that your entire life just can’t go back to normal, that everything has shifted? Yeah. That hurts, but it’s just so much more than that. It’s it hurts because it reveals all of these things about you. So not only do you have to deal with this other person, your partner, your family, maybe your home, your job, your career, any of those things, but it uncovers things about you that you also have to address, and it’s just Sometimes it’s just like rubbing salt in the wound because, are you kidding me? I have to do all of this now? And the answer is yes. You have to do all of this now, and that’s what we’re going to talk about today. We’re going to talk about How betrayal uncovers the truth and how really what betrayal uncovers is the fact that it’s all within us.
Lora Cheadle [00:03:07]:
Not going totally woo woo, like, You know? Oh, this didn’t happen, and it’s fine. And b smile. We’re smile and be happy. We’re not bypassing anything. What we’re doing is we’re really bravely standing in the idea and the concept that all of our demons are with it. All of our demons are within, and I expect you to push back on that and be like, yeah. The demon within did not go sleep with a coworker, or the demon within did not go do this. And you’re right.
Lora Cheadle [00:03:44]:
You’re totally right. You can only control yourself. The actions of another person actually don’t impact who you are. They impact your situation. Yes. They might impact your family, your future, all of those things, but they don’t change who you are. They don’t change your values. They don’t change your goodness, your kindness, your ability to love, your desire to do good in the world.
Lora Cheadle [00:04:18]:
Those things are unchangeable. Who you are on a soul level, On a core level is absolutely unchangeable because it’s who you are. So when somebody betrays you, yes, it hurts. It really hurts, but it doesn’t damage you. It doesn’t wound your soul. You are still you. You were just you with something bad that has happened to you. So, yes, it hurts.
Lora Cheadle [00:04:55]:
Yes. It shatters you. Yes. It can break you. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.
Lora Cheadle [00:04:59]:
Yes. And still, inside, you were the same amazing person that you used to be, because your soul cannot be damaged by another person. We can only damage ourselves with the choices that we make for ourselves. Pulling back again kind of this the spiritual level. When your partner betrayed you. They damaged their own heart. They damaged their own soul because they made a choice That probably went against at least some of their values unless they were a totally, truly Psychopathic or narcissist or a sick person, which can be the case, but still but still They are the perpetrator. They are the wrongdoer.
Lora Cheadle [00:06:02]:
They are the one that did wrong, and they are the ones that hurt selves because of it. You were collateral damage. I was collateral damage. People who love people who cheat always get caught and become the collateral damage, But they can’t hurt our soul. They can’t hurt us on that deep level. They can’t change Who we are or what we believe or how we show up unless we let them. Their actions can’t change us. Their actions can hurt us.
Lora Cheadle [00:06:47]:
Their actions can disappoint us. Their actions can disgust us. Their actions can change the way we Choose to move forward in that we can create better boundaries. We can do deep work. We can get curious and heal the marriage. We can do all these different things, but it can’t irreparably damage us. It can hurt us, but it can’t change us. And if you’re anything like me, You know that, and you can hold it, and you can get it, and then it hurts or you find out new information, And those 2 ideas really come colliding in and crash against each other, and then your brain goes, I don’t understand this.
Lora Cheadle [00:07:37]:
I don’t understand. I don’t how? Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. And you have to walk yourself back this whole down this whole path again. I can’t be damaged, but I was hurt.
Lora Cheadle [00:07:48]:
Mhmm. You can’t be damaged. You can only damage yourself. You can damage your own soul, your own sense of integrity, morality, whatever it is. Somebody else can’t do that for you unless you let them. Let’s let that rest a little bit Because that’s a lot. And, again, like I said, if you’re anything like me, in a moment, you get it, and then in a moment, you’re like, I don’t get it. And that’s normal.
Lora Cheadle [00:08:19]:
Allow yourself that grace and that space and that time to get it and then to not get it, to get it and then to not get it Because you were hurt. You were victimized, but you do not have to be the victim. And that’s truly what this is all about. You were victimized? You were. But you do not have to be the victim. Okay. So I started the show talking about betrayal uncovers that demon within. Sure.
Lora Cheadle [00:08:54]:
It uncovers what your partner did, but this is something that I want you to lean into for You. Because when we are victimized, when you have been victimized, We want to push the victim the the perpetrator away. We want to focus Everything outside of us, and we want to protect ourselves. We want to bring the perpetrator to justice. We want to protect ourselves. We want to get in control. We want to shore everything up outside. I said a few weeks ago in my show on anger, anger is a way that we can bring ourselves out of that state of feeling like a victim Because it gives us the illusion of power and control.
Lora Cheadle [00:09:46]:
So that’s healthy, and that’s normal and natural. But after you’ve gone through that, After you’ve gone through some of the grief, some of the pain, some of the anger, some of the rage, how do you not let that rage consume you? How do you actually move on? How do you move on? You move on by realizing that the opponent is not external. The opponent is internal. Stick with me here. I know you might be thinking, okay. I think I might need to skip this podcast because Laura is making no sense. I know. The opponent is not external.
Lora Cheadle [00:10:28]:
The opponent is internal. When you quit Trying to control your partner’s behavior. When you quit trying to make things right for the kids. When you quit Trying to make yourself look better or dress better or be healthier. When you quit all of that external focus And just start focusing inside really deep. That’s where the work begins. When you start recognizing, you know what? I do have some trauma from my childhood. Or if I don’t have big trauma, maybe I have just little traumatic events.
Lora Cheadle [00:11:17]:
Maybe I was a little bit neglected or a little bit abandoned. Maybe I had some really bad Experiences and I never processed them because my family was not about processing. The world was not about processing and understanding in mental health for quite a long time, actually. It’s looking inside and thinking like, okay. What do I need to do right now? I need to get maybe financial education. Maybe I need To educate myself. Maybe I need to go back to school and figure some things out. Maybe I need This.
Lora Cheadle [00:12:04]:
Maybe I need that. Maybe it’s time to do some re parenting of myself. Maybe it’s time to go to therapy and dig out some past things. Maybe it’s time to rewrite my version of what healthy relationships are like. Maybe it’s time to figure out how I view women And wives and moms and explore some of this cultural conditioning that I’ve had. Maybe it’s time to start exploring some of the religious conditioning that I’ve had. Maybe it’s time to really look within and figure out where am I passive aggressive, where am I not Advocating clearly and effectively on my own behalf, and where am I instead falling into some patterns that maybe I’m not that proud of? Maybe a lot of the people in my family were manipulative or passive aggressive or used guilt. Where are you not showing up in complete integrity with who you are and what you want? Where have you fudged the truth a little bit? Where do you have troubles? Very subtle.
Lora Cheadle [00:13:31]:
These can be some really small, subtle things. These can be huge and big and, obviously, you can be like, yep. Religious trauma? Yep. That was a thing. It’s big. I gotta deal with it. Sexual abuse? Yep. That’s a big thing.
Lora Cheadle [00:13:46]:
I know that that happened. I gotta deal with it. Or it can be really subtle, like, wow. I look at the way And this is personal for me too. I look at the way sometimes how, like, my grandmas were not They would say something kind, but it wasn’t really kind. It was like an underhanded compliment Or where they would talk about men like it was this whole conspiracy that all women knew how idiotic and incapable men really were. There was just some subtle, toxic behaviors, subtle, toxic ways that people would complain about each other and would be a little too faced with each other and a little manipulative with that with each other. And there was just some of this subtle, like, Better than, holier thou, less than, some weird stuff.
Lora Cheadle [00:14:44]:
Nothing major, but just some weird stuff. And, truly, it wasn’t until betrayal uncover all of this And I had the opportunity to get really radically honest with myself about myself. Did I start thinking and figuring out and saying, you know what? It’s not how I wanna be. That’s just not how I wanna do it. I don’t want to have this, like, Fake relationship with my husband where I do things, and I just don’t tell him because I don’t think he’s gonna like it or where and manipulate things, and I don’t say something directly to him. I just give some little hints. I don’t wanna do that. Those were some learned behaviors that I had.
Lora Cheadle [00:15:30]:
Just keep the peace. I’m not gonna learn. I need to unlearn that. I am not gonna do that anymore because I don’t want to because that takes me out of my power and that takes me out of my integrity. And when I look within and I see what is my demon within? My demon within was some of the Subtly manipulative, passive aggressive, controlling type stuff. My demon within is the fact that I will tell other people what to do And will not sit down and look at myself in the mirror and be like, wow, Laura. Take care of you first. My demon within is that I will overgive and overgive and overgive, not totally from my heart.
Lora Cheadle [00:16:15]:
Yes. I have a big heart, and, yes, I like to give, But I would over give in this hopes that people would see me, in this hopes that people would value me, In hopes that people would recognize what an amazing woman or wife or mom or PTA person or school helper or whatever that I was. Those are my demons within. My demon within is also not owning certain things, not Standing in it fully. Just gonna rip my head in the sand a little bit and being like, I don’t understand finances or this investing, and I’m just Instead of stepping back and getting myself this far, I’m just gonna let somebody else deal with it. I’m just I can’t hear you. I am not saying that you have to do absolutely everything, that certain people in a partnership can’t have their strengths, And that 1 person can’t do this and the other person can’t do that, but there is that subtle distinction between bearing your head in the sand and then being like, oh, I didn’t know. That’s not okay.
Lora Cheadle [00:17:22]:
It’s not okay to not check your bank account and then to overspend and then to be like, oh, I didn’t know. You didn’t tell me. There’s that radical responsibility that we need to take for ourselves. So often So often, the women that I coach will come to me with questions about how their partner’s guilt tripping them or how their partner’s blame shifting or how their partner’s projecting. And we all do it. I mean, let’s just take a step back. All humans blame and project and try to shift, you know, accountability. We all do that Because none of us wanna feel ashamed.
Lora Cheadle [00:18:07]:
None of us wanna feel guilt. None of us it’s normal. Like, it’s Totally normal, but come on. This is about being a grown up. This is about facing those demons within. This is about being able to stand in the uncomfortable mock of being like, yeah. I’m the one that totally messed that up. I’m the one that dropped the ball.
Lora Cheadle [00:18:33]:
I’m the one that overdrew the bank account. I’m the one that had the affair. I’m the one that lied. I’m the one that cheated. I’m the one that is not speaking my truth. I’m the one that doesn’t know how to communicate. I’m the one that is terrified of being abandoned and will do everything to keep you safe so you don’t leave me because I don’t feel worthy. Those are the demons within.
Lora Cheadle [00:19:05]:
And sometimes you have to spiral around and around and around to get there. Did you notice how I spiraled around with a lot of stuff before being getting to that core issue? I don’t feel worthy. I don’t feel worthy. I don’t feel like you’re gonna stay with me. I don’t feel like I’m good enough or smart enough or pretty enough or whatever ever it is, I don’t feel worthy of having love. This is true for your partner, and this is true for you. And I don’t wanna shift blame and talk all about your partner because it’s so easy to get caught up in what their problem is Instead of what we can address within ourselves, but I’m still gonna take a little segue here. When we look at our partners, we know that the cheating is a symptom of a bigger issue.
Lora Cheadle [00:19:54]:
We know that they don’t wanna stand in it and say, yes. That was me. I did it because it shames them. They feel guilty. They don’t know how to do it. It spirals into something, though. Why don’t you wanna do this? Why did you do this? Why did you think that was good? It comes down to something, whether that is, again, low self worth Or whatever it is. It spirals into something, and that is what they need to uncover in themselves so they can get better, so they cannot cheat again.
Lora Cheadle [00:20:28]:
And so often people will say to me too, how do I know if he’s going to cheat again? Did he do the work? Did he do that spiral? Did he uncover the truth of why he cheated? Because if he uncovered the truth of why he cheated and he’s got new tools, he’s not gonna cheat again Because he’s got new tools, and cheating doesn’t feel good because it makes you feel shame and have something to hide. So are they projecting? Are they defending? Are they blaming you? Are they not doing the work and not uncovering the truth? Then chances are they’re going to default into their old cheating behavior because it’s a behavior they know when they don’t know something. But this show is about you. This show is about you. What did their cheating uncover in you? What did it uncover in you? What is your wound that came up? Is it abandonment? Is it finances? What came up, and what can you do differently to heal yourself? Instead of looking at them and asking that question, Are they gonna cheat, or are they not gonna cheat? Ask yourself. How can I be okay whether they cheat or not? How can I value myself more? How can I Feel more confident? How can I address my own abandonment issues? How can I look within and figure out what needs Fixing in me because I’m the only person I can control? Alright. How you do that, it’s hard. But first, it it really all starts with you deciding.
Lora Cheadle [00:22:24]:
Just like with anything, if you make the decision, you know what? Yeah. It’s a great opportunity. I don’t know when it is, but I’m gonna look within, and I’m gonna figure me out because why not? Why not? I need to figure myself out. So it starts with that decision. Once you make that decision, how do I dig deep and really start doing the work? And what does the work mean anyway, and how much is enough? Dig deep. Figure it out. Keep going. How you stay committed to doing the work, how you stay nontriggered, nonreactive, and triggered is you either use internal or external support.
Lora Cheadle [00:23:02]:
Because it’s easy to make the decision in a good place when you’re not tired, when you’re very rational, when you’re like, you’re right. You’re totally right, Laura. I see that I was victimized, but I’m not the victim. I see that my soul was not harmed by this. The cheater harm their own soul, and that’s up to them to make reparations, but I’m fine. I just have to do better. It’s easy to make that decision in the moment, but how do you keep going when somebody has triggered you and you wanna blame them? You don’t wanna take responsibility. You wanna project your emotions all over that.
Lora Cheadle [00:23:40]:
The goal is to get to the place where, yes, Internally, you can have those conversations with yourself, and you can stay out of the reactive portion of the mind. Keep yourself in the prefrontal cortex and be like, yeah. I’ve got this. It’s all good. But until you can get to that place, use external support. Use external support to help you. And then once you are shoring yourself up, it becomes easier and easier to do it for yourself. Okay.
Lora Cheadle [00:24:14]:
One of the most powerful places to start this journey is by creating an archetype for yourself, a powerful, strong archetype who can do it, who can look at herself objectively, Who is the warrior princess? Who is the fiery goddess? Who is the queen? Find that archetype of strength and power for you. We all have different ideas of what is strong and what is powerful. Find an image that works for you. Literally, Google archetypes, female archetypes. See which ones resonate with you. See which ones you are. You might be the mother or the lover. After betrayal, you might be feeling like the fool.
Lora Cheadle [00:25:05]:
You’re not. I promise you that. But find the strong ones. I think traditionally the 3 strongest ones are the queen, and the warrior, in the goddess. So find an archetype that resonates with you. Because when you find an archetype that resonates with you, you can use that archetype to act on your own behalf when you’re not strong enough to do it yourself. So that means If you have to make a phone call and you’re driving it, you gotta call the lawyer and you’re hating it. You’ve got to call whatever and you’re hating it.
Lora Cheadle [00:25:53]:
You’re dreading it. You might not be able to make the call, But can your warrior princess make the call on your behalf? Can your divine goddess make the call on your behalf. The queen can absolutely make the call on your behalf. And when you can allow yourself to slip into that archetype a little bit, I am the benevolent queen, and I am making this call. It helps. It helps because it’s not you making the call anyway. It’s this archetype. Things don’t hurt as much because it’s happening to her, not to you.
Lora Cheadle [00:26:41]:
And it’s a great way to step into and find the power that sometimes you don’t feel like you are strong enough to have in the moment. Use that archetype for your own behalf. You know those bracelets, like the what would Jesus do bracelets, and then there’s a lot of funny ones. You know, what would Dolly Parton do? What would Ask yourself that same thing. Make yourself a bracelet. Draw your point put a note on a sticky. What would the divine goddess do? Because it helps you when you want to react poorly and say, that’s stupid. I can’t believe you would do that.
Lora Cheadle [00:27:27]:
Well, it’s your fault. If you hadn’t have done this, I wouldn’t have done that. And if you hadn’t have said that, then I wouldn’t have had to get triggered. Your divine goddess wouldn’t do that. A queen does not pass blame. A goddess does not shame others. And even when we want to so bad because we think the other person deserves it, using your alter ego helps you step into that higher self. And, you know, even if you don’t have an absolute alter ego that you love, think about your higher self.
Lora Cheadle [00:28:06]:
What would your soul will do? What would you as a divine being do? If you are a divine child of God, which you are, Would a divine child of God be snitty? No. Would a divine child of God Be snotty and pass blame and refuse to acknowledge their stuff? Oh my gosh. No. So what would your higher self do? And here’s the thing with this too. Using an alter ego, Give yourself grace around that. It’s not like, oh, I learned this new skill. Here’s my new tool. My I will never do Anything wrong again, I will never project or blame or shame or criticize or judge anybody else because I’ve got this new skill.
Lora Cheadle [00:29:03]:
You gotta practice it. And even if you don’t remember in the moment, which you’re not going to, it’s a new skill, go back and think about it. I had somebody today say something, and my initial reaction was like, I wanted to get defensive about that. And she was right, but it just made me feel defensive. And it just I wanted to be like, well, I’ll do that later. And I wanted to get defensive, and I want it, and I just noticed it, and I didn’t respond. I didn’t respond lovingly or bad. I just noticed.
Lora Cheadle [00:29:41]:
Wow. This is a situation where and just having that pause and noticing, yeah, I wanna say something a little snotty here. I noticed it. Didn’t respond. And then later on, I thought about it. How how how How does Laura want to respond? How do I want to show up in that situation? I wanna be wise. I wanna be kind. I wanna truly hear people.
Lora Cheadle [00:30:14]:
I really do want to truly hear people. And, you know, it’s amazing how you get challenged and tested. That happened this morning. This afternoon, I had a second similar situation come up where somebody very bravely and very rightly asked me to do something. And, initially, Same thing. I kinda went into, like, that’s gonna make me feel shame, or that’s gonna make me feel embarrassed, or that’s gonna and then it was like, No. They’re asking for what they need, and I can meet that need, and I want to meet that need. And I don’t need to explain my point of view at all.
Lora Cheadle [00:31:01]:
It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter. My point of view doesn’t matter. My intentions don’t matter. What matters is that they had a need, and they asked for it, and it’s up to me to meet that need. And meeting their need doesn’t change anything for me. It just doesn’t. And that’s a distinction.
Lora Cheadle [00:31:27]:
If meeting that need means I have to sacrifice something or harm myself in any way, that’s a different story. But Usually, meeting somebody’s needs doesn’t do anything. It does not harm you. So just pause and notice and think about it. And you can even create the situation in your head after the fact if you mess up. Recreate in your brain how you wish you would have responded. I actually challenge you right here, right now after the show is over To go back through and think about some of your most contentious fights with your partner, and I want you to replay them in your head As if you had been in your higher self. You can also replay them as if your partner had been in their higher self for two reasons.
Lora Cheadle [00:32:23]:
1, I want you to see how it changes the tone of a conversation. And 2, the brain does not know the difference between reality and fantasy. And if you were thinking through a situation and playing through a situation, your brain is going to feel like it really happened. So your nervous system will calm. So you will get out of that state of fight, flight, or freeze. You won’t feel like you’re in this chronic threat state anymore, and you’ll feel better. So think about this when I very first approached my husband. What’s going on? Nothing.
Lora Cheadle [00:33:03]:
Why are you digging in my stuff? Like, think about that, the contentious behavior. Had we each been in our higher selves, I might have asked. I’d love to have a really important conversation with you Where truth truly needs to prevail, so let’s find a time and a space where we can talk. Now that we’ve created the safe space, I could say what needed to be said. Him from his higher self could be, I am horrified to admit this. There’s been a lot going on. I’ve made some really poor choices. It’s so embarrassing to admit, and I’m afraid.
Lora Cheadle [00:33:48]:
I’m afraid to talk about it. I’m afraid You’re going to leave. I feel so much in myself. Think about how different that conversation could be if everybody is coming from their higher self. Some other tools Besides replaying the situation in your mind as if, another thing is to Write a letter to yourself. Write a letter to yourself promising what you’re gonna do Instead of reactive behavior, I am going to. Instead of taking things personally, I am going to. Instead of living in fear or being afraid of, I am going to.
Lora Cheadle [00:34:44]:
Just like when you replay a situation in your brain as if you wished it would have been, when you write things down Affirmatively how you’re going to do it, it sends that signal and it creates the initial neural pathways in your brain for adopting that behavior. So I am not going to nitpick. I’m not going to pester. I am not going to beat around the bush and be passive aggressive. You’ve identified what you’re not going to do. Shift it. I am going to be clear in my communication. I’m going to ask for what I need.
Lora Cheadle [00:35:28]:
I am going to manage my own anxiety or stress around not having other people listen to me in the way that I want them to listen. Instead of ramping up and getting anxious, I am going to manage my own feelings of anxiety. I am going to take care of me. I will then rephrase my request and, again, healthily communicate those requests. Write your plan of attack because that plan of attack is within you. And that just that scenario that I gave there, That is such the concept of an internal demon. When we get anxious, when our partner is not hearing us, We get louder. We get more frantic.
Lora Cheadle [00:36:17]:
We get more anxious. How many times did somebody tell us you’re taking out the trash? So it’s like you don’t take out the trash, and our anxiety ramps up and our stress ramps up and we ramp up. That is not the problem is not that our partner won’t listen. The problem is not that our partner won’t take out the trash or leave socks on the floor. The problem is we don’t know how to manage our own anxiety around it. That’s that internal demon. So betrayal uncovers the truth of the fact that I can’t manage my own anxiety when I’m not getting my way. I know.
Lora Cheadle [00:36:56]:
Right? It’s like, dang. Isn’t it just easier to be like, they never listen. They did this. They did that. Even cheating. I don’t wanna say the problem is not that they cheated. I mean, obviously, cheating is a problem. It’s a big problem for a lot of reasons.
Lora Cheadle [00:37:20]:
But what did it uncover about you? It uncovers that you’re not healed maybe, that you can’t advocate maybe, that you have wounds. It uncovers these beautiful things for you to take care of. It uncovered my Fear of abandonment. It covered uncovered my bad habit of fawning and seeking to please. Betrayal uncovered my bad habit of self sacrifice. Betrayal uncovered my bad habit of overfunctioning and self Sacrificing blah blah blah blah blah. I really wish I could have addressed those somewhere else. But now they’re here and now I see them and now I can address them.
Lora Cheadle [00:38:14]:
So what got uncovered for you? What Did it uncover for you? Develop that archetype. Lean into her. She can do things that you can’t do. Write a letter to yourself about how you’re going to do things going forward. I am going to take care of myself first. I’m going to meet my needs first. I’m not overfunctioning. I’m not sacrificing myself.
Lora Cheadle [00:38:41]:
I’m taking care of me first, and I’m letting other people alone. They can manage their own emotions. If they’re un if they’re uncomfortable with that, it’s not my problem. If they fail because they let a ball drop, that’s not my problem. If they embarrass themselves, that’s not my problem. If they mess something up, it’s not my problem. I am not rescuing anymore. If they trainwreck their health, their life, their body, it is not my problem.
Lora Cheadle [00:39:12]:
I’m riding what I will do. This is how I’m going to manage my my anxiety. I’m gonna call my coach. I’m gonna get an appointment with my energy lady. I’m gonna go work out. I’m gonna go call healthy friends who will not work me into a tizzy and being like, you shouldn’t do that, and you shouldn’t do that. No. I’m going to get on my polo group with my healthy friends.
Lora Cheadle [00:39:37]:
I could read books. These are all the things that I’m going to do. I’ve got a plan Because there’s magic in having a plan. Another thing that I am going to do that I do do that you should do too is have a vision board, And I just did a workshop on that. Let me know if you want the replay. But a vision board is the visual reminder, the visual representation of How you want things to be. I want a partner who stands and is the warrior and fights his own battles, who fights his own demons, who looks within and doesn’t blame me and deflect. I want a partner like that.
Lora Cheadle [00:40:20]:
I am putting a representation of that on my vision board. I want to get a lot smarter about a lot of these things for myself. I want my own skills On not sacrificing myself. I want my put all those on your vision board. It’s like your letter to yourself, but it’s the visual representation, and it’s powerful. Another thing that I love doing that is use, like, a background on your phone, a screenshot, or an image, or the, you know, lock screen on your phone or the screen on your computer With an affirmation or something that reminds you. It can be simple, like I am the queen. I am the goddess.
Lora Cheadle [00:40:58]:
It can be I rise. I am powerful. It can be whatever it is. I am divine. I am at peace. It can be a word. It can be a phrase. It can be a quote, but it’s that constant repetition, that constant reminder that You are supporting yourself.
Lora Cheadle [00:41:21]:
Abandonment wounds are huge. You know? The anxious attachment, the Why am I losing the other word? Avoidant, anxious and avoidant attachment, all of this stuff. Learn about it, but then write yourself a note on it. Instead of being anxious, I will walk. Instead of being anxious, I will use breath work. Instead of whatever, I will whatever. My abandonment wound is healing. Each and every day, my abandonment wound is healing.
Lora Cheadle [00:42:02]:
Each and every day, I am stronger on my own. Each and every day, I feel more comfortable on my own. Positive affirmations. I am not the victim. I am a victor. I am strong. I am a goddess. I am a queen.
Lora Cheadle [00:42:22]:
Write the affirmations and use them. Not only read them, but write them. Write them before bed. Write them when you get up in the morning because, again, it’s that constant reminder. It’s the redirecting of your thoughts. The example that I use all the time when I do hypnosis with people, in our coaching sessions is If you can imagine snow melt on the top of the mountain, after years years years of the snow melting and funneling towards the east side of the mountain, There develops a groove. There develops a river, a big river. And over time, more and more of that Snow melt goes to that same river on the east.
Lora Cheadle [00:43:07]:
All of a sudden, you realize we need to divert these this water. We need to divert these thoughts. There’s a big groove where the water has been running down the east side of the mountain for eons. You can’t just change it overnight, but what you can do is start developing a new channel. When you write something down, when you have a vision board, when you use affirmations, when you get a coach, when you get a counselor, when you get a Friend who’s, like, a really good accountability partner, they will help you. I will help you. You can help yourself dig that groove On the west side of the mountain, be like, this is where we’re gonna start melting. But you’re just carving it.
Lora Cheadle [00:43:51]:
You’re digging it, and it’s small. But that’s okay. You can stand on top of the mountain. You can direct your thoughts. You can say it over here over here. You can block up on the east a little bit. You can start diverting slowly. And then with time and with that constant redirection, the groove on the west side becomes bigger And deeper and stronger.
Lora Cheadle [00:44:15]:
And then the 1 on the east side becomes smaller and smaller because it’s not being used as much. And, again, over time, it becomes natural for the water to flow to the west instead of the east. And that’s what this is all about. This is about uncovering, finding those things, and shifting your behavior, Shifting your thoughts, shifting your mindset, shifting your actions, Shifting the way that you show up. Couple of other really good tools, Future casting. Future casting how you want things to be. This is very similar to playing things through in your head about the But this is playing things through in your head about the future in the way that you want them to go. Because tell me that this happens to you too.
Lora Cheadle [00:45:12]:
You lay in bed at night, and you think about all the horrible things that have ever happened and all the horrible things that will happen and All the problematic things that could possibly come to pass. Yeah. When you do that, pretty much, You’re just praying for negative. You’re forecasting negativity. And when we forecast, when we do that, It trains our brains to look for the negatives. So if you’re forecasting all of this horrible behavior, If you’re forecasting somebody being uncooperative, chances are higher that that’s what’s going to happen. So what I want you to do is start future casting, start forecasting things in a positive way. Think about a positive conversation with your partner.
Lora Cheadle [00:46:03]:
Think about a positive interaction with a coworker or a friend. Think about reaching out and finding the coach of your dreams at the price point that you wanted. Think about all these things positively. Think about your partner being like, you know what? This was my problem. This was my mistake. This is what I did. This is what I want to learn how to do, and this was not your fault. Think about yourself being able to stand and ask for what you want And to not get anxious and to not overexplain.
Lora Cheadle [00:46:40]:
Think about yourself being powerful with finances, with family, with career. Think about what it would be like to truly value yourself every single day, to validate yourself every single day, To take care of yourself, radically take care of yourself without apology, without being like, I’m gonna do this. Is it okay if I do this? You don’t need permission. And if you think you do need permission, I’m giving it to you right here, right now. You have got permission To take whatever classes you need to take, to take care of yourself, to take time, to spend money on yourself, To use resources on yourself. I am giving you permission to have needs. You get to have needs, and you get to ask to have those needs met, and you also deserve to have people meet those needs. And you deserve to meet your own needs.
Lora Cheadle [00:47:43]:
You don’t have to wait for anybody else to take care of you. You can take care of yourself. Futurecast what that would look like. And note when you’re like, I don’t even know how that would look. Notice that. That’s okay. Because, again, that’s betrayal uncovering the truth. That is that demon within.
Lora Cheadle [00:48:03]:
The demon within is you don’t know. The demon within is you have never been allowed to dream. The demon within is you are raised in a world Where women were told they were selfish if they took care of themselves. The demon within is the fact that we believed it. You believed it. I believed it. We’ve all believed in this myth of this self sacrificing woman. We’ve all believed it.
Lora Cheadle [00:48:32]:
That’s the demon within is that we’re not addressing that, that we’re not challenging our own beliefs and assumptions and thoughts and conditioning. It’s the demon within. That’s the gift of betrayal. That’s what betrayal uncovers for all of us. It uncovers the belief that we think we need a man. We think that we are more worthy in a relationship. We think the relationship status shows other people how worthy or unworthy we are. We think that this might be the best that I ever had.
Lora Cheadle [00:49:05]:
We think that this is all we deserve. We think that we’re maybe better off with this or nothing else. It uncovers all of those really uncomfortable beliefs. It’s not fun, is it? Just sit there and be like, Yeah. But what if this is the best that I ever had, but I do wanna be with somebody? And what if I’m not worthy enough? You don’t understand, Lord. What if that’s all true? That’s that demon within. That’s what’s been uncovered. That is your work to heal.
Lora Cheadle [00:49:40]:
That is your work to address. I can help. Counselors can help. Coaches can help. Clergy can help. Friends can help. Podcast can help, but allow yourself to get help. And then the very last question before we close out is asking yourself, Am I addicted to this pain? Why am I doing this drama? Why do I think it’s better to cover and hide and not address these things and live my life in this cycle of No.
Lora Cheadle [00:50:24]:
Drama or not really feeling that great. Why do I think that’s better than just addressing it? Uncovering the truth, addressing it, and going on happy. Because the answer to that is also going to the uncover the truth is going to uncover the truth about why you’re not doing the work. Because I’m afraid that I’m gonna be too happy, Because I’m afraid I have to change too much because I’m afraid I really am not worth it because I’m afraid I’m gonna do all of this, and it’s not gonna turn out for me Anyway, why are you not doing that? Why are you not investing the time and the money and the resources? Why are you not addressing this? It’s that proverbial nail in the forehead or splinter in the toe. Why not just take it out? Why go through all these charades to wrap The toe to hobble on your heel, to get crutches, to have shoes where you cut off the whole. Why not just take the sliver out of your toe? Reach out if you want help unpacking that. This has been a lot, And I really, really encourage you to move your body after listening to the show. Take some deep breaths.
Lora Cheadle [00:51:51]:
Roll your shoulders. Dance it out. Go to my YouTube. Find some dancing. Process this in your body because because this is not just your own. You have not only uncovered the truth of the things that need addressing with you within you. You’ve really uncovered the truth of generational trauma and generational beliefs Because why would you spend the rest of your life with a sliver in your toe? And why would you spend all the time and the energy and the resources protecting that instead of just taking the dang sliver out? Same thing with the nail on the forehead. There’s the nail on the forehead.
Lora Cheadle [00:52:35]:
It’s giving you a headache. Why not take it out? Why not take it out? Why not address All of those internal demons, all of the things that have been uncovered because the bottom line is you do deserve it. You are worthy in this journey, a 100% is worth it. Have an amazing week. Thank you for hanging in there with me today. This was a lot. This should bring up a lot of emotion. If you need to cry, please Go cry.
Lora Cheadle [00:53:14]:
If you need to go scream, please go scream. If you need to go dance, by all means, go dance. Have an amazing week, and always remember to Flaunt exactly who you are because who you are is always more than enough.
Tune in next time to flaunt. Find your sparkle and create a life you love after infidelity or betrayal with Laura Cheadle every Wednesday at 7 AM and 7 PM Eastern Standard Time on syndicated DreamVision 7 Radio Network. Uncover the truth of what’s possible for you on the other side of betrayal, and develop the skills and strategies necessary to embrace the future and flourish today. Download your free betrayal recovery toolkit at betrayalrecoveryguide.com.