Download your Sparkle After Betrayal Recovery Guide at www.BetrayalRecoveryGuide.com  a guide designed to help you take the first steps in feeling better, so you can reclaim your power, own your worth, and start putting yourself, and your life, back together again.

About Lora:

Attorney, speaker and Burnout & Betrayal Recovery Coach, Lora Cheadle believes that betrayal uncovers the truth of what’s possible when we stop focusing on what was done to us and start showing up unapologetically for ourselves. She helps women rebuild their identity and self-worth after infidelity so they can reclaim (or find for the very first time) their confidence, clarity, and connection to source and create their own kind of happily ever after.

 

 

Thank you to BetterHelp for sponsoring this podcast! Take charge of your mental health and get 10% off your first month of therapy at https://BetterHelp.com/FLAUNT

Transcript

 

Narrator [00:00:01]:

 

You’re listening to Flaunt. Find your sparkle and create a life you love after Infidelity or Betrayal. Have you been betrayed by life, your body or someone that you love? You’re not alone. No matter what you’ve been through, naked self worth helps you regain confidence, joy, and enthusiasm so you can create a life you love and flourish. Tune in weekly and learn how.

 

Lora Cheadle [00:00:30]:

 

Hello and welcome to Flaunt. Find your sparkle and create a life you love after infidelity or Betrayal. I’m Lora Cheadle attorney and Betrayal recovery coach, who believes that Betrayal uncovers the truth. Betrayal uncovers the truth of what’s possible for us once we stop focusing on what was done to us and we start showing up unapologetically for ourselves, advocating for our own best interests. I would love to connect with you to see how I could best support you on your Betrayal Recovery journey so you can get to the bottom and understand of what really happened and heal faster, skipping the mistakes, pain and obsessive thoughts that plagued me during my own Betrayal Recovery Journey.

So in service of that, what I want is for you to go to Betrayalrecoveryguide.com and download your free copy of my Betrayal Recovery Guide. When you do that, you’ll also learn how you can schedule a free, no obligation, 30 minutes consultation with me so we can sit down, just the two of us. Over zoom, you can share the details of your betrayal story and where you’re stuck. And then together, we can figure out what your most logical next steps need to be betrayalrecoveryguide.com. Do that before you do anything else.

Today, in this episode, we are going to talk about how and why betrayal is really a not so personal problem and how it’s a conversation that we as a society need to start getting comfortable having. Because it’s not a personal problem, it’s a societal problem. It’s a workplace problem. It’s a mental health problem. It is such I don’t want to say it’s such a problem. We know that it’s a problem. It is a problem that impacts so many more people than we can even imagine because of the shame and the silence and the secrecy that we have around the whole concept of infidelity or betrayal. And just like with anything, as long as there’s silence, as long as there’s stigma around it, as long as people are not telling the truth about what is happening to them, around them, for them, then infidelity and betrayal, both are going to continue to be things that we never get to the bottom of because we never are speaking honestly about them.

So let’s begin by talking about why betrayal is not personal. Because I know from my own personal experience that let me tell you, being betrayed in any sense of the word feels mightily personal. And even though, yes, it is something that happened to you, I want you to understand why it was not personally and intentionally done to you.

Okay, let’s just talk about any old kind of betrayal. Whether it is infidelity that kind of a betrayal, a financial betrayal, whether it’s a friend who is saying something and divulges a confidence, whether it’s a coworker that takes credit for an idea that was yours. Whatever betrayal it is, when you are on the receiving end of the betrayal, you feel like how could I have been so stupid? You start internalizing and thinking, what did I do wrong? What did I do to deserve this? And the reason we internalize the reason we do that is honestly because we’re trying to assuage our fear. Because we’re trying to show ourselves where we have control. When we internalize the bad thing that happened to us, it’s really about our attempt to regain control. Because it’s really scary to think that, wow, I am just living at the whim of the universe, I am living at the whim of other people. And that there’s really nothing I can do to control what happens to me.

And while there are a lot of things that we can control and why I encourage people to look within when they have experienced the betrayal because there’s gold, there’s gold that can be mined, I also, in the same breath want you to understand that the reason you were betrayed is not personal. Yes, you can look inside and you can learn. Yes, you can look inside and you can see what kind of core wound is in there that has not been addressed. Whether it’s an attachment issue, whether it’s a commitment issue, whether it’s a mother father wound, whether it’s childhood trauma. I don’t know what it is. But I do know that betrayal uncovers the truth.

And by that I mean it uncovers the truth of what it is inside of you that needs healing and addressing and brought out into the light. But that does not mean internalizing that somebody did something to you because it was your fault. That’s a separate, distinct difference that I really want to hammer home. When you have been betrayed, there is nothing you could have done to prevent that betrayal. That betrayal is not about you. There is nothing you could have done to prevent that because it’s not about you. And the person who cheated you, the person who betrayed you is not doing it personal to you.

When somebody chooses to betray you, they are making a choice and that choice is about them. When somebody betrays you, they are making a choice. That is a reflection of them. It’s a reflection of their pain. It’s a reflection of their inability to express emotion. It’s a reflection of their inability to figure out another option. And in pretty much all cases, when somebody betrays you, it is a reflection of them. So that’s what I mean by not internalizing a betrayal. Just in the news this week, I read one of those articles that just absolutely gutted me it was a, I want to say eleven year old boy. And he was home with his mom. And the mom’s ex husband came to the door and he was getting violent.

So the mom asked the eleven year old to please call the police because things were getting out of him. And when the police came to the door, they shot the eleven year old son. Fortunately, that little boy is alive. But as he was being shot and laying there, what he kept crying to his mom was, what did I do wrong? What did I do wrong? And the answer is, he did nothing wrong. The police officer who shot him did something wrong. That kid did everything right. His mom asked him to call the police. He called the police and he opened the door to let the police in. I want you to see yourself as that kid in a betrayal situation.

You didn’t do anything wrong. You were betrayed. Because the person who betrayed you is a jerk, is in pain, doesn’t know what else to do, but it is not about you. Now, could there have been contributing factors that led to that child getting shot? Possibly. I don’t know them. I didn’t read about any possibly. There was a contributing factor. Same thing. When you got betrayed, was there a contributing factor? Possibly. Possibly there was something that you did more than possibly. It’s probable because we’re in life, we’re in relationships, we make mistakes, we don’t know the future. So, yeah, it’s pretty probable that there was a contributing factor. But a contributing factor is not a cause. A contributing factor is not a cause. So betrayal is not a personal problem. When you get betrayed, you were victimized. Flat out, hands down. If you have been betrayed, you have been victimized. Just like this kid was victimized. Now, the difference is, even though you were victimized, playing the role of the victim is a choice. You were victimized, but you do not have to be a victim.

Again, whether it’s financial betrayal, workplace betrayal, infidelity, it doesn’t matter. You were victimized. But you do not have to play the role of victim. It’s perfectly okay. And it’s actually helpful to be in victim mode for a while. To cry and to rage and to be sad and to be angry and to what? Revenge. And to have all those emotions go through you. That’s totally normal and that’s totally healthy. But it’s not where you should stay unless you want to live the rest of your life bitter and resentful. So the first whole point of this show is betrayal is not a personal problem. Betrayal is the problem of the person who betrayed you. It’s their problem.

They’re the one with the mental, emotional, moral problem, not you. It’s not personal, but because we have been taught that it’s personal. Because we have been taught that, hey, if you were victimized, you must be stupid, ignorant, deserving. We tend to stay quiet. We tend to not talk about it. We tend to cover up, we tend to stay small. We tend to take the blame, and we tend to disempower ourselves out of fear. Fear that it’s going to happen again, but more often, fear that we’re going to get blamed, fear that we’re going to be embarrassed. Fear of all these different things that really make no sense. If you were victimized, people should come to your support. If you were victimized, you deserve to have people rallying around you, loving on you.

But our culture has this backwards. And because victim blaming is such a thing, we all tend to stay quiet. And it’s more than just victim blaming, too. The disease of alcoholism, mental health disorders why is it that we all tend to blame? An alcoholic does not have a moral failing. Somebody with a mental health problem is not less than, and somebody has been betrayed, whether it’s by their intimate partner or a coworker or anybody else is not at fault.

And the thing is, just like with so many other stigma inducing things in society, the only way to bring it out into the open is to bring it out in the open. The only way to alleviate the shame and the embarrassment is to start talking about it. If you look at the stats around infidelity in particular, 40% of relationships have infidelity, and 25% of marriages experience infidelity. 40% of relationships and 25% of marriages. That’s a high number. Look at the people who live on your block. Look at the people who you see in the gym. Look at the people who you work with. If you think a quarter of the married people have faced are facing or will face infidelity, and 40% of those in relationships have faced infidelity, that’s a lot of people.

And contrary to what you might think when you look at the demographics, it’s not that this is a problem with low income people or uneducated people. This cuts across all socioeconomic lines. This is one of those things actually, there’s a lot of infidelity among the traditionally people who declare themselves as religious. This happens to everybody. It’s not one of those things that you can say, well, I have a college degree and I go to church, so it’s not happening to me. It happens across the board. There are some professions where it’s higher, and there are some ages where it’s higher, but basically it’s a relationship problem. It’s a human problem. Infidelity happens whether we like it or not. And what’s really interesting about it, too, is when people are interviewed around whether or not they think infidelity is like a socially acceptable thing. I forget the number. It’s really high. Like 95, 98% of people say that infidelity is wrong.

They say the betrayal is wrong. They say that cheating in any form is wrong. So if nearly 100% of the population says that cheating is wrong but 40% of the population does it. That’s a pretty big disconnect, isn’t it? So that’s why it’s important to talk about it and to realize that this is not a personal problem. You are not cheated on because something is wrong with you, and you are completely entitled to feel like a victim for a while because you were victimized and you were completely entitled to talk about it without being blamed or shamed or judged.

Now, I also realize you can be sitting here listening to me and being like, yeah, Lora, yeah, you’re totally right. You’re totally right. And then you go out there and you’re looking at your mother, your mother in law, your coworker, somebody that you really respect, and the last thing you want to do is say, hey, NISO, do you want to know what I found out about my partner last Wednesday? No, of course not. Because even if in your head you’re saying, I get that the only way through it is to talk about it and to bring it into the light of day, and I shouldn’t be judged, we still get judged. We still get judged. Especially we get judged by people who have cheated themselves. OOH, let’s talk about that.

The people who are the quickest to judge oftentimes are the people who they themselves have committed adultery, have stolen money out of a cash register, have taken credit for something at work, and never fessed up. So often those who judge us the most harshly are the ones who have done it too. Oh, yeah. Time and time again, it is the political leader who’s touting family values. It’s the church leader who is touting purity and piety. That’s how we cover as humans. That’s how we deflect. That’s how we get all eyes off of us. We talk the talk on the complete other side so people suddenly aren’t suspicious of us. Or another human tactic is to blame others for what you’re doing, blame others for what you’re doing, to throw them off the set. It’s a projection of your guilt, and you’re putting it on to them. You’ve been awfully flirty lately.

You look like you’re cheating. What do you know, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, when really you’re the guilty one. So you understand the betrayal is not personal. It’s not personal for you. It’s not something you should be james judged or blamed or shamed about. And then you understand that, hey, we live in a society, sadly, where that still happens. And you’re aware that sometimes the people who judge you the most harsh are the ones who have cheated other people too, or who are afraid that it’s going to happen to them. And they feel like, OOH kind of guilt by association. If I know somebody whose partner cheated on them, suddenly it’s opened my eyes to this very real possibility that that could happen to me too, and that there’s really nothing I can do about it. And it’s terrifying. So if I judge them, maybe it won’t happen to me. If I’m really grouchy and negative and judgmental, it won’t happen to me. It won’t happen in my family. It’s like the ostrich with the head in the sand. La. I can’t hear you. It’s not going to happen.

Which leads to, okay, again, great, great information. I understand, Lora, but how do I deal with it? How do I in this vulnerable state where I have been betrayed and I’m trying to figure it out? How do I reconcile the way it should be with the way it is? And how do I stand in that potential judgment and pain? How do I stand in that honesty and authenticity and stay in my integrity and then at the same time feel comfortable? I want to walk you through that a little bit because isn’t that the million dollar question, the multimillion dollar question? And here’s a few tips for how to do that, for how to not personalize or internalize somebody else’s judgment. I think the first step, tip number one, is really only talk about it with people who have the right and the privilege to know. If you’re at work, your direct supervisor might need to know this. Somebody that you’re working with on a project might need to know this because your mental state is going to be different.

There’s people in your family who are going to need to know this. Your support system, your friends, they have the privilege and the right to know. So the first tip is using discernment around who to tell. And if you’re curious about who to tell, I want to ask want you to ask yourself why? Why do I want to tell this person? And if there’s a legitimate reason, you’ll know it. I need to tell this person because my mental state is off. I want to tell this person because I need emotional support. And if the answer is ever, I want to tell him because it’s going to make him so mad or her so angry or I want other people to know what a jerk this person is who betrayed me. Not such a great option. Sit on it. Give yourself a week or two to breathe and to ponder and to think about it, because once the cat’s out of the bag, the cat’s out of the bag, and you can’t untell somebody.

And if you’re anything like me, you’ve been in a situation a time or two in your life where you’ve said something like, you’re really mad at your spouse or your kids or a coworker, and you go out to lunch and you’re like and you just let loose and you’re talking, and then you make up. You figure out that there was a misunderstanding, and you’re going along your merry way, and you see that friend that you vented to, and they’re still mad, and you’re like, oh, I’m not mad anymore. And the friend is like, you’re kidding me? How can you not be mad?

Don’t you remember what they said to you? Don’t you remember what they did to you? And you’re like, oh, that’s so yesterday. I’m over it. And it puts you in an awkward position. People can’t unknow something once you’ve told them. So use discernment in deciding who to tell by asking yourself why? Why do they need to know this and will it help me and will it help them? For example, if you’re telling some friends because it will help you with support and it will help them understand what you’re going through, it makes perfect sense. But if you’re telling your cheating partner’s great aunt, is she really going to be able to help you?

And even if you just feel better telling her for you, how is it going to help her? Because it is important to ask yourself that. Not that you have to do everything for other people’s benefits, but if great aunt, whoever she is, is not going to take this well and it’s truly going to impact her life because she’s sweet and old and kind and gentle and loves her family very much, is that really fair to bring her in? I talk about betrayal is not a personal problem. It’s the problem of the person who cheated. The person who cheated is the one who has the failing, whether it’s ethical or moral or integrity or whatever. And you is the one that they cheated on are kind of collateral damage. In my case, I was collateral damage to my husband’s childhood trauma.

He had unresolved childhood trauma, a lot of it. He cheated because it was his problem, not mine. And I was the collateral damage in all of his drama, trauma, whirlwind, nightmare. There would be people that I could tell that would just be additional collateral damage. There’s people that need to know and there’s people that if I told them it would just hurt them and that I would be spreading more hate and more pain and more damage. In our case, his parents did know. He ended up telling them and that was entirely appropriate. But there were some, again, elderly relatives on his side that just didn’t need to know. It’s just not going to help. It’s only going to hurt. And even though somewhere inside there was a time where I was like, everybody’s going to know that when I really used discernment, I realized, no, I do not want to be the spreader of more poison. I do not want to be the spreader of more poison.

My second tip. Tip number two in figuring out how to handle and manage yourself when talking about an issue that has shame and stigma and judgment around it is by going within and grounding yourself. Going within and grounding yourself so that whatever happens around you can just blow through you and you will not be impacted by it one way or another.

How I like to do that is twofold. First, I like to physically ground myself by touching the floor. I love to go barefoot in the grass. That’s a number one easiest way to ground, to Earth yourself is to go barefoot outside in the grass. Short of that, if you’re at work or something like that, do you have a plant nearby? Touch the plant, hug a tree. Look at nature, use ocean sounds. YouTube has got nature sounds. Listen to birds, listen to a river. Listen to water. Use a little desktop fountain. Connect yourself to something that is of the Earth. This is why crystals are so popular. Crystals come from the Earth. They are of the earth. When you align yourself with the Earth, you feel better. And no, this is not metaphysical woo woo stuff. It’s true. That’s why we have the grounding cords. When we use electricity, that third prong, that grounding prong. We need to ground ourselves to the Earth so we are stable and solid and we are in harmony.

Think a little bit about some of the language that we use when we’re in a space of trauma. We’re like I feel like I’m flying. I feel like I’m disconnected. Ground trauma does make you fly. It makes you all up in your head, all up in your thoughts. Bring it in, bring it in, bring it in, bring it in. And once you have grounded, what I like to think about is I like to think about my body as almost being a screen, like a window screen. And things that people say or judge, those arrows of judgment, they just flow right through me. They breeze right through me. And I get that fan sound even going in my ears. I’m like and then as I’m talking to somebody and they’re judging me, or I sense that they’re judging me, I stay grounded. I feel both feet on the floor. I touch I can anchor my hands to a table, I can anchor my hands to my side, and I feel that breeziness going through my body. And I consciously let their judgment pass through. And one of the things that I do is I feel like I have a little bit of an internal smile. Not a big grid on my face, but an internal smile, because I know that they don’t know. I know a secret. And the secret that I know about them is they don’t understand or they’re covering something because they have been guilty of this and they’re trying to deflect.

And as I sit there grounded, hands on a table or to my side, feet firmly on the floor, not rocking back and forth, breathing, thinking about my body as a screen where negative emotions just pass through that internal smile, knowing that, AW, bless your heart. Sometimes I think that, oh, bless your heart. They don’t really understand. They’re in pain too. And I just bless and release knowing that at some point either. My grounded presence will awaken something in them, like, oh, wow, she didn’t get all jacked up and nervous. I wonder if there’s something that I don’t know. I wonder if there’s a different way to look at this. I wonder if she might even have compassion for me.

That’s my second tip. It’s holding that compassion. It’s grounding. It’s being the screen, letting things flow through you, not stick to you. It’s breathing. It’s holding that awareness that they don’t know. It’s blessing and releasing and just having that compassion. That, again, this is not personal. Their reaction says everything about them and nothing about me. Just like the person who betrayed me, their actions say everything about them and nothing about me. The people who judge you, their actions say nothing about you and everything about them. My third and final tip on how to not take things personally is to remind yourself of who you are. This is really powerful. And you might be thinking, remind myself of who I am? Of course I know who I am, but I want you to take it a little bit deeper. But do you? Do you know who you are? Because when you’ve been betrayed, it’s easy to forget. I know that I am a kind, honest person. I know that I am happy and joyful. I know that I bring joy to others. I know that I’m smart, that I’m capable, that I’m nurturing. Like, I know all of those things. And when I found out that my husband had betrayed me, when I have experienced little betrayals at work with friends, I tend to forget, I tend to internalize, and I tend to start focusing on all the negative messages I’ve heard my entire life about me. Oh, yeah, I bet they did this because in third grade, I remember when so and so said, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Well, yeah, my dad always said that I was so blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Oh, my gosh. I remember the time that somebody said, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and all of those negative messages start filling us up.

So the third and final way to stay grounded and to stay in your truth when you’re being judged, potentially, is to really know exactly who you are. And let me tell you, that was the thing that turned things around for me in my betrayal recovery journey. At some point along the line, I was talking on the phone to a friend, and I was talking about all the things that I used to be and how I had been ruined because of this betrayal. And I was like, I used to be so happy, and I used to be such a good person, and I used to be so kind, and I really was all primed to go out there and change the world, and now I can’t.

And at some point, the ridiculousness of everything that I was saying sunk in, and it was like, oh, yeah, I am a positive person. I do look on the bright side. I do rely on spirit. I know how to manifest. I am kind and gentle. And if my partner didn’t see that I was kind and gentle and honest and authentic, that’s not my problem. That’s not my personal problem. If somebody doesn’t value me, it’s not my problem. So that third tip of knowing who you are also goes to really valuing those attributes, knowing and valuing who you are. That way, if somebody does choose to victim, blame. If somebody does choose to judge, you are so firmly convinced of who you are that it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter. It’s as ridiculous as somebody coming up to you and yelling and screaming and saying, you know you’re an alien from Mars.

You know it. Just admit we all know it, and you are lying. You are from Mars, but you know you’re not. And you also know that you can’t convince them. So why even bother trying? Because the more you argue that, the worse off you become. And after probably five or six argument sentences going back and forth, you would cease to argue that. You would cease defending yourself. You’d be like, there is nothing I could say or do to convince you that I’m not from Mars and I’m not engaging in this conversation, and you’re not even mad at that person because it’s so preposterous and it’s so ridiculous. And again, you know, their assertion that you were an alien from Mars is their problem. It’s not yours.

Why that’s harder when it comes to betrayal is because of all of those messages that we’ve received in the past. You’re not pretty enough. You’re not smart enough. You don’t have enough experience. Nobody’s going to like you. You’re selfish. You’re dumb, you’re ugly. We’ve all had those. Here’s the thing. Here’s what I want you to know. All of those ugly messages, we’ve all had them. They weren’t specific to you, the bullies. We’ve all had the bullies. It’s not specific to you.

Again, we think it’s personal. Somebody says or does something horrible to us, we think it’s personal. And it’s not personal. It’s just not personal. So when you know who you are, it doesn’t matter because it’s preposterous. If somebody is judging you and saying, well, you should have done this, and I bet it’s because of that time, you don’t even engage because you are clear on who you are. And you know that somebody else’s judgment of you does not change who you are.

Somebody else’s judgment of you doesn’t change who you are unless you let it. So those are my top three ways to stand in your integrity, to stand in your truth, to be honest, and to talk about infidelity, to talk about betrayal, to not personalize it, to not internalize it, but just to raise it up into the light, into our cultural conversation so we can all. Become more aware of it so we can have compassion in our society for it.

Now, this might trigger you compassion both for the people who were betrayed and compassion for those who cheat. And here is why I say that infidelity is always born of pain. Cheating of any kind is born of pain, fear, pain, not enoughness scarcity. Nobody cheats because they feel happy and healthy and whole. Nobody cheats because they feel empowered and joyful. And the truth of the matter is, we have to address those who cheat, and we have to bring them into the fold so they can get their problems taken care of and not do it again.

I’m not saying you have to go make friends with your cheater. I’m not saying you have to go out in kumbaya the world around this, but we as a society, again, need to hold space for people make horrible problems. People make horrible mistakes. People have horrible pain in their lives. And they’re not all evil. They’re not all evil. People who cheat are not all evil. Some are sick. Some are damaged. Some are scared. Some are hurt. And when we can find even just a little bit of compassion in our hearts for their pain, it lets us off the hook because, oh, my gosh, I feel really sorry for you. You just train wrecked your job, your life, your marriage, your family. Truly, how sad for you. And I have compassion for that, because that must have been an awful lot of pain that you were in to make such a catastrophic, horrible choice. But it was not personal against me. It says nothing about my value.

And here’s how I can speak about it with integrity. I can use discernment in figuring out who to talk to. I can ground. I can consciously choose to breathe and open myself up. So judgment passes through me and does not stick. And I can hold again, compassion for those who judge me, and I can stay firmly rooted in my truth because I know who I am. And I know that no matter what you or anybody else says or does or thinks about me, it fundamentally does not change who I am. And that is how we depersonalize betrayal. That is how we regain our power, how we cease being the victim. And we become the victor in this situation. We become the victor through understanding, through compassion, and by bravely standing in our truth and learning how to speak about it with integrity. Learning how to speak about anything with integrity is important.

And again, it’s a skill that is not taught. There is not a class in high school or middle school called communicating openly and honestly with integrity. But when you know who you are, you become unwilling to inflict pain on others. And it helps you clean up your conversation. It helps you clean up your word. It helps you become impeccable with your word and with your deed. Because again, you’re not trashing the people who cheated on you. You are speaking about the truth of what happened.

Again, even if it’s like a work situation and you witness somebody stealing money out of a cash register or whatever, it’s not that you are hiding it. You’re speaking the truth. You’re telling what happened. You’re telling what you saw. But you’re not gossiping. You’re not inflicting your own judgment or your own commentary around things. Same thing with the infidelity. You are speaking about what happened. You are owning the emotion. I am devastated around this. I am confused around this. I am in pain around this.

But the bottom line is that you refuse to inflict any more pain upon anybody else. Now, the second part of this show, why betrayal is not a personal problem. I really want to shift a little bit to the workplace. And whether or not the betrayal that you have experienced has anything to do with the workplace doesn’t matter. And here is why.

First of all, a lot of infidelity does happen at work. A lot because you get to know people at work, because you’re at work all day long and you’re in some fairly intimate situations with people. So yes, a lot of infidelity happens at work. So let’s talk about that. Well, first of all, again, looking at the numbers, 25% to 40%, and some studies say it goes higher because a lot of people don’t want to admit to it. That’s a lot of cheating that’s happening in the workplace. Look around your office. Doesn’t it make you wonder what is going on? When we don’t address it, when we close our eyes to it? It’s like in the past when we talked about sexual innuendos and misogyny and sexual assault in the workplace, we just kind of thought, well, if we just don’t talk about it, it’ll just go away. And then we realized not talking about it doesn’t help.

Let’s talk about the pay gap. We’ve talked about that for years and years and years and years and years and years, and it’s only starting to slowly close. But for a long time, we didn’t even talk about it. That was just hush hush. And honestly, if all employers had a completely transparent policy with regards to who’s getting paid what, that pay gap would close overnight because we would know, because it would be completely out in the open. If everybody knew what everybody else was getting paid based on whatever it was, we would know. And then companies would have to own up and shift it and the pay gap would close. So it’s similar with betrayal and infidelity. If we don’t talk about it, nothing is going to change.

Now, not that I’m saying it is an employer’s job to police its employees and to be like, OOH, you look like you’re getting a little close to that person. That’s not what I’m saying at all. But what I’m saying is we really need in the workplace to be aware that this is one of those things that can happen. And when it happens, it creates a problem for the company because suddenly people have this vested interest in each other, and they’re going to start lying and being dishonest in the workplace in an attempt to keep their personal secret.

That’s not healthy. That’s not good for the company. That’s not good for the coworkers. That’s not good for anybody. Because, again, it can go to things like, I’ve used the stealing money out of the cash register analogy, but it’s also like, hours, and are you sneaking away from work? Are you both billing time? That’s not really being billed to the company because you’re sneaking off together. That’s company time. You’re sneaking off in the parking lot. That’s company time. That’s a company problem. What happens when their partners find out? That’s a company problem. What happens when other people in the company find out? That’s a company problem. What happens when this all goes wrong and then suddenly somebody has to walk away from work and the company has lost a highly trained employee?

That’s the company’s problem. Human capital is important. It behooves the company to take care of its employees. And part of the caretaking of the employees includes just being aware that, hey, did you know infidelity in the workplace is freaking huge. Let’s talk about it. Let’s talk about it. Let’s have some trainings. We have trainings around diversity, equity, and inclusion. We have training around computer programs and new processes. We have trainings around ethics. We have all these trainings around so many different things. Let’s put in some trainings around infidelity and betrayal, shall we? Because it happens. Let me tell you why else it’s a problem. In my circumstance, and I’m sure this is not unusual, when I found out that my husband was cheating on me, ask me how productive he was at work for what, three months? He was not productive at all. He was moving out. He had checked into a hotel long term. We were having conversations on and off throughout every single day. He was crying and emotional. I was crying and emotional. Literally. We would call sometimes 15 times a day. We would text probably 50 times a day, sometimes trying to talk and figure this out. Do you think he was focused on his job? No. Do you think he was giving good advice to the clients? No. Do you think I was focused on my job? No.

When people are in trauma, they need to manage that trauma. What’s worse, my husband specifically thought about taking a leave of absence, a mental health leave of absence, while we were in the throes of figuring this out. And guess what he learned? He learned he couldn’t take a sabbatical, a leave of absence because it could impact some of his security clearances. Are you kidding me? We tell our employees they can’t have mental health time away or will impact their jobs, but yet you’re forcing them to stay in a situation where their mental health is going to be rapidly deteriorating because they are facing one of the most stressful periods of their lives.

That’s a catch 22. And that makes no sense. You can’t take time off because it will indicate that you are, quote unquote, crazy. So we’re going to keep you in this highly stressed position where you have no time to deal with this huge trauma. And we know that’s not going to make you crazy. That doesn’t make any sense at all. There’s this stress scale called the Homes and Ray Stress Scale and it’s a list of 43 stressful life events that can contribute to illness, both physical and mental illness. And if you look, I mean there’s 43 things on there, but the top three first one, death of a spouse.

Do you know how many people have told me infidelity is like death of a spouse only worse because everything that you thought about your life is not true. And it’s like this huge death of the person that you thought you knew, but then you can’t just grieve the closure and have the death because there they are in front of your face. There they are in divorce court. There they are picking up your kids. Second highest stressor is divorce. Well, guess what? Betrayal and infidelity leaves to yes, divorce number. Third most highest stressful thing is marital separation.

Guess what happens when you find out about infidelity? Chances are you separate, even if it’s just short term before you either reconcile or you divorce. So how productive and effective do you think people are at work when the top three stressors the humans can go through? You’re probably experiencing some combination of all three of them. That’s right. You’re not going to be effective at work. I realize it’s opening a whole can of worms when we talk about workplace policy and all of that, but I just want to bring to light that betrayal is not personal, it’s a societal problem.

There’s that disconnect between we all say it’s wrong, yet so many of us do it. We all say that, oh, it’s awful and we’re judgy about it and we talk about being open, but we’re really not. And then we also say we’re going to support mental health in the workplace, yet no company’s policies and procedures pretty much ever address infidelity or give support to people on either end of infidelity. So yes, I’ve given you those tips on how to stay grounded on how to move through it. But more than anything, I want to leave you with the idea of where can you be an advocate, where can you help raise awareness around infidelity and betrayal in the workplace, at your church? In the neighborhood, in your family? Where can you help raise awareness?

What are the conversations that you could be having and how can you stand in your truth, stand in your integrity and just to continue to be this beacon of light for what’s really going on in the world? That is my personal mission, is to be that beacon of light, of yeah, this is reality, folks. This is what happens. I’m not unusual. You’re not unusual. Here are some tips on how to hold your center and advance this cause, not only for you, but for everybody going forward.

Remember, go to betrayalrecoveryguide.com. Download your copy of my Besparkle After Betrayal Recovery Guide and schedule your time with me. Let’s get together, let’s talk about this, and let’s get you feeling better fast. But for now, how can you be an advocate? Have an amazing week, and always remember to flaunt exactly who you are. Because who you are is always more than enough.

 

Narrator [00:58:21]:

 

Tune in next time to flaunt. Find your sparkle and create a life you love after Infidelity or Betrayal with radio host and live choreographer Lora Cheadle. Every Wednesday at 07:00 A.m. And 07:00 p.m.. Eastern time on syndicated Dream Vision Seven radio network, develop Naked Self worth and reclaim your confidence, enthusiasm and joy so you can create a life you love and embrace who you are today. Download your free sparkle through Betrayal recovery Guide at Naked Selfworth.com.

 

Key Topics and Bullets

 

In this episode of the FLAUNT! podcast, Lora Cheadle covers the following topics:

 

• Introduction

– Lora Cheadle introduces herself as an attorney and betrayal recovery coach

– The podcast is called Flaunt and is about Betrayal Recovery

 

• The Concept of Naked Self-Worth

– The show promotes the concept of “naked self worth” to regain confidence and joy

– The victim did nothing wrong and the betrayal is a reflection of the betrayer’s issues, not the victim’s

 

• Overcoming Betrayal

– Betrayal is a societal and mental health problem, not just a personal one

– It’s okay to feel like a victim at first, but it’s not healthy to stay in that mindset

– The podcast aims to help those who have experienced infidelity or betrayal

– Listeners will learn how to create a life they love and flourish

 

• About the Podcast

– The podcast is released on a weekly basis

– Host Lora Cheadle introduces herself as an attorney and Betrayal recovery coach who wants to help people heal faster

– The show encourages people to speak honestly about their experiences with betrayal

 

• Conclusion

– Listeners can download a free Sparkle through Betrayal Recovery Guide at NakedSelfworth.com

– Lora Cheadle hosts a show called Tune in next time to flaunt, which airs every Wednesday at 07:00 A.M and 07:00 P.M. Eastern time on Dream Vision Seven radio network.

 

Questions & Answers

 

1. What is the goal of the podcast?

– The goal of the podcast is to help people develop self-worth and regain their confidence, enthusiasm, and joy after infidelity or betrayal.

 

2. What is the Sparkle through Betrayal Recovery Guide?

– The Sparkle through Betrayal Recovery Guide is a free guide available for download on NakedSelfworth.com that helps listeners with their betrayal recovery process.

 

3. What is the concept of “naked self worth”?

– The concept of “naked self worth” is about acknowledging and embracing one’s worthiness as a person, regardless of any external factors or circumstances.

 

4. Who is the target audience for the podcast?

– The target audience for the podcast is anyone who has experienced infidelity or betrayal and wants to heal and move forward.

 

5. What is Lora Cheadle’s professional background?

– Lora Cheadle is an attorney and betrayal recovery coach.

 

6. What is Lora Cheadle’s approach to betrayal recovery?

– Lora Cheadle believes that betrayal is not a just a personal problem, but is a societal and mental health problem. She encourages people to speak honestly about their experiences and provides support for them to heal and regain their self-worth.