Whether you stay or go, knowing your rights is important. There is much misinformation about the divorce process, what happens to your assets, what you are and are not entitled to, and how parenting time or custody is established. Although every state has different laws and everyone’s circumstances are unique, this show will give you a broad understanding of everything you need to know.
Top Takeaways
- Property, Assets, & Debts: Can you afford to keep the house? What does it mean to buy out the other person? Separate property, individual property, and what you might be entitled to if you divorce.
- Maintenance (formerly known as alimony): What is it, how is it calculated, and how long will it last?
- Child Support, Custody, Parenting Time & Decision Making: What to know about protecting your children during this stressful moment in everyone’s life.
Do you want to watch the video of this presentation and get a free copy of a Marital Balance Sheet, as well as Maintenance and Child Support Guidelines in Colorado? Get Instant Access Here: https://lora-cheadle.ck.page/5461728b8e
Are you in Colorado and want to learn more about mediating your divorce? Learn more about Garske Divorce Mediation at https://www.garskemediation.com/
Does this make you realize that a divorce is not what you want, but you are unsure of how to reconcile with your partner? Let’s sit down together, you, me, and your partner, and figure things out during a Couple’s Strategy Session! Book Here: https://lora-cheadle.ck.page/3a0fad2078
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About Garske Divorce Mediation
Welcome to Garske Mediation
We know that divorce is more than just a legal process—it’s also an unknown journey that can leave you feeling overwhelmed, making it hard to see the path ahead. That’s why we’re committed to providing the clarity you need to feel grounded and in control.
Your decisions now will shape your future, and that’s why we categorize our services to meet the specific needs of your unique situation. Each stage of the divorce journey requires a focused approach, and our goal is to provide you with the right support when you need it most. Learn More at www.GarskeMediation.com
About Lora
Lora Cheadle is an attorney, TEDx speaker, and betrayal recovery coach who helps women turn their devastation into an invitation to rise up and reign. Whether reclaiming what they let go of along the way, rebuilding their identity, or stepping into a stronger sense of self-trust and self-worth, Lora’s expert guidance empowers women to uncover the truth™ of what they are capable of and deserve. After being shattered by her husband’s fifteen years of infidelity, Lora knows firsthand the skills and strategies necessary to stop feeling broken and start living fully and freely.
She is licensed to practice law in California and Colorado, is a trauma-aware coach, clinical hypnotherapist, somatic attachment therapist, advanced integrated energy practitioner, and is certified to teach yoga, mindfulness, group fitness, and personal train. She is the author of the International Book Awards Finalist and Tattered Cover Bestseller, FLAUNT! Drop Your Cover and Reveal Your Smart, Sexy, & Spiritual Self and host of the podcast FLAUNT! Create a Life You Love After Infidelity and Betrayal. She lives in Colorado and loves travel, adventure, and a good book.
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Transcript
Lora Cheadle [00:00:01]:
You’re listening to Flaunt, find your sparkle and create a life you love after infidelity or betrayal. A podcast for women who’ve been betrayed by their intimate partner and want to turn their devastation into an invitation to reclaim them selves and their worth. Tune in weekly so you can start making sense of it all and learn how to be okay on the inside no matter what goes on on the outside. Download your free betrayal recovery toolkit at betrayalrecoveryguide.com.
Lora Cheadle [00:00:35]:
Hello, and welcome to Flaunt. Create a life you love after infidelity or betrayal. I’m Laura Cheadle, and this show is going to be a little bit different. This show is going to be a preview of divorce, what it might look like if you got divorced, and what the divorce process is like. Now you might be wondering, why are we doing this, Laura? I’m not considering getting divorced. If that’s the case, that’s fine, but here’s why it’s important, I believe, for you to listen to this show anyway. I think it’s important to understand where you stand. It’s so easy to talk to friends or family or somebody on the Internet and to get information that you think is valid, to have information where you’re like, oh, I’m gonna I’m gonna get this or I’m gonna lose that or it’s gonna take this long or whatever it is.
Lora Cheadle [00:01:38]:
And then you make a decision based on that information that is not actually accurate information. And that’s the whole point of this show. Whether you stay together, whether you divorce, whether you’ve already divorced, I think it’s really important to understand both the divorce process and what it might look like for you. Now why this is a little challenging is, first, I don’t know your situation. I can’t sit down with your, you know, finances and actually tell you what you might be entitled to. However, the way I’m gonna walk you through this, this is something that you might be able to do for yourself. Not might be. You will be able to do for yourself, and at least you can start getting a rough idea of what things might look like.
Lora Cheadle [00:02:38]:
Second of all, all I want you to realize that all states are different. All countries are different. All situations are different. And I’m gonna say that a little bit more in the divorce preview, but this is just general broad strokes, things for you to think about. Definitely go get legal advice for your situation. Most attorneys give a free consultation, and you can just hire an attorney for an hour or for 30 minutes or something like that to tell you more specifically about your situation. And, again, I really think it’s important to be informed. Not only informed about you and your situation, but also informed about what the process is generally like.
Lora Cheadle [00:03:27]:
And, again, this is a divorce preview for Colorado. I’m gonna walk you through what it looks like, the different ways to get divorced using doing it on your own, doing it with a mediator or, doing it a litigated divorce. And then I’m going to walk you through sort of how to figure out what you might be entitled to, if you do divorce in terms of, like, assets and custody with the kids, parenting time, maintenance, what they used to call alimony, things like that. So give it a listen. Give it a listen. Give it a listen and see what you think. I’m also going to talk a little bit about a divorce mediation firm that I am doing some mediation with in Colorado, and I will include links to them in the show notes too in case you are in Colorado and you are interested in doing a mediated divorce. So again, it’s a slightly different show.
Lora Cheadle [00:04:26]:
If you like the video, I will put the YouTube link in the comments as well. And other than that, enjoy, get educated, and here you go with the show.
Podcast Advertiser [00:04:39]:
This podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp. Have you been struggling lately? Relationship issues impact every area of your life. When I found out about my husband’s infidelity, I was so devastated. I could barely function. Sleeping was impossible because I couldn’t shut off my brain. Eating was a challenge because I felt nauseous all the time, and for the 1st month or so, everything felt pointless. Whether you’re having trouble sleeping, feeling hopeless, or just can’t focus, BetterHelp is here to help you. BetterHelp offers licensed therapists who are trained to listen and help.
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Podcast Advertiser [00:06:19]:
Special offer to flaunt, create a life you love after infidelity and betrayal listeners. You get 10% off your 1st month at betterhelp.com/flaunt. That’s betterhelphelp.com /flaunt, f l a u n t. Thanks again to BetterHelp for sponsoring this podcast.
Lora Cheadle [00:06:55]:
Hello. Hello, and welcome. I am Laura Kietle, and today, I am going to walk you through a divorce preview. What that will do, it will give you a basic understanding of the divorce process and what things might look like for you. Now a couple of things. I wanna start by saying hello and welcome. I’m Laura Cheadle. I am an attorney, and I am also an infidelity and betrayal recovery coach.
Lora Cheadle [00:07:28]:
I work with mostly women who have been betrayed by their partner. Sometimes, yes, the traditional affair betrayal, but also financially betrayed, emotionally betrayed. And I walk by their side helping them through the whole process, helping them navigate the emotional ups and downs so they can create a second chapter of life on their own terms. Because the truth of the matter is divorce is just a moment in time. Infidelity is just a moment in time, and you will survive. You will thrive and you have an entire life that is waiting for you. I will say more about that in a moment, but first I want to be very clear, even though I am an attorney, I am not your attorney. Listening to this does not create an attorney client privilege, nor am I giving you legal advice.
Lora Cheadle [00:08:32]:
All states are different. All countries are different. All people and situations are different. And although I wish I could tell you with certainty exactly what would happen in your situation, I can’t. I don’t know who you are, where you live, and the details of your situation. So I’m not your attorney, and I’m not giving you legal advice. I am just letting you know about the general process of divorce, what some of your options are in getting divorced. I will help you figure out a little bit about how to figure out if you wanna get divorced or not, and I’m just gonna give you a preview of everything that you need.
Lora Cheadle [00:09:15]:
If you want to go deeper with me, by all means, reach out. I would love to walk with you through this journey. I’ve been through it, and it’s tough. Laura atlauracheadle.com.lora@lorgeadle. You can email me. My website is lauracheadle.com. And if you were in Colorado and you are interested in mediating your divorce, reach out to Garske, garske, divorce mediators. And, I can I can work with you there too because I also do divorce mediation there? I’ll put all the links.
Lora Cheadle [00:09:59]:
Don’t worry about memorizing any of those. I will put all of the links below. So let me start by telling you a tiny bit more about me so you know who I am and what I can, do for you. As I said, I am an attorney. I’m also a, divorce and infidelity coach. When I practice law, the thing I got in trouble for all the time was sitting down and talking with the clients and having them negotiate a settlement just by talking. And the attorneys that I would work for would always say, you cannot do that. You do not sit down and help people talk.
Lora Cheadle [00:10:44]:
You’re having them create solutions, and then we’re out of a job because they’ve just settled their case. And it always struck me as ridiculous that 2 people who were at one time married and were in love couldn’t structure their own divorce. And I know there are times when there’s abuse, when there’s mental illness, when there’s a whole lot of contention that that can’t be and that attorneys are necessary. But in the vast majority of cases, there’s things that people can figure out on their own if they just talk. And that was my strength, was helping people come together, teaching them about the process, and then empowering them and guiding them through the process together. So that’s why I stopped practicing law, and that’s why I started mediating. And that’s why I started coaching because I’m all about solutions, win win solutions that will really get people moving forward so they can get busy living the rest of their life and not stay stuck in the muck. Now you might be wondering, have you been divorced, Laura? Actually, I have not.
Lora Cheadle [00:11:59]:
After 23 years of what I truly, in my heart, thought was an amazing marriage, I was completely devastated when I found out that my husband had been cheating on me for 15 years with multiple women, and it was awful. If you’ve been there, you know the shock. You know the devastation. And it’s it’s horrible. It it defies belief. But one of the things you might know is that in that moment, you feel like you have to make a decision. And how are you supposed to make this decision? You’ve just been given this information, and suddenly you need to figure out, am I gonna stay? Am I gonna go? And then all that fear, what happens when I go? And I’m not prepared for this, and what am I gonna do? Long story short, my husband and I actually did end up working things out. It’s it’s work.
Lora Cheadle [00:12:58]:
It’s a long road. I’m not gonna lie about that. We’re 6 years out now. Our marriage is definitely happier and healthier than it was before, and we’ve each grown exponentially through the process. Whatever you choose, whether you choose to stay or whether you choose to go or whether you’re just not sure, it doesn’t matter. You don’t need to be sure right now, but I can help you in any event. I can definitely help you if you decide to stay. I can tell you when it’s worth it to stay, when it’s not worth it to stay.
Lora Cheadle [00:13:34]:
If you decide to go, I can help you there too. Things like this divorce preview or if you’re in Colorado doing a mediation or helping you find appropriate legal counsel. I can help you stay. I can help you go. And most importantly, I can help you come to terms with whatever it is that you need to come to terms with. So you can be certain that at the end of the day, the decision that you make is indeed the right decision for you. I think what I am the most passionate about is so often people will come to me and they’ll say, I’ve decided to stay. And that’s great.
Lora Cheadle [00:14:17]:
And then they come to me because they’re like, you stay too so we can bond over this. And what I find out is the reason that they stayed is the wrong reason. The reason that they stayed is because they were too afraid to divorce Because the process seemed too confusing or too overwhelming or they didn’t know what they were entitled to or what they could get or what it would look like. They were afraid that they would never see their kids again. They were afraid. And that fear is what kept them in their marriage. And my personal mission, my personal goal is to make sure that whether you stay or whether you go, it’s for the right reasons. And that you’re not staying because divorce is scary.
Lora Cheadle [00:15:03]:
That you’re not staying because you don’t know how to do a divorce or because you don’t know how to do life on your own. That’s no kind of life. It’s just not. You are worth way more than that. So if you’re going to stay, stay. But I encourage you to keep watching this, keep listening to this so you understand the process. So at any point in time, if you decide that you want or need to get a divorce, you can lean into that with less fear and with less trepidation because you know what the process is about. Does that sound fair? Okay.
Lora Cheadle [00:15:44]:
Good. Let me I’ve got my little list here. Okay. We’re gonna start off by saying by talking about how do you tell your spouse. There’s 2 things that I want you to know about that. Three things. First, you don’t need to tell your spouse right now. If you’re contemplating divorce, you can continue to contemplate it.
Lora Cheadle [00:16:06]:
You don’t need to let them know the exact moment that you start contemplating divorce. You can give yourself grace and space and time to think things through, to read some blogs, to listen to some podcasts, to watch some webinars like this, to start educating yourself on the process. Then at some point in time, you will need to tell your spouse. This is the second point. Be prepared before you tell your spouse. Telling your spouse that you’re going to file for divorce can be very emotional and it can be very upsetting for them And your safety is paramount. Pack a bag. Maybe even keep that bag in your car.
Lora Cheadle [00:16:54]:
If you need to leave, make sure you’re ready to leave. You don’t want to be hurt physically, emotionally. You don’t want your kids to be hurt. Be prepared to leave even if you think that’s not my partner. Please just be prepared anyway. Don’t tell them when your kids are there in the other room playing video games. Find a time where you can be safe, where you can be alone, and then ask them for a conversation and have a conversation. But first and foremost, keep yourself safe.
Lora Cheadle [00:17:32]:
The third thing is even though I recommend educating yourself, reaching out to different organizations, seeing an attorney, doing all that, Don’t let your partner know necessarily, like, well, these are the people that we’re gonna use. I’ve been researching mediation firms that, oh my god. This they’re asking divorce mediators. They’re amazing. Because if you tell your partner, oh, I’ve done all of these things already, they’re gonna feel like the professionals that you have enlisted are already on your side. And they’re gonna feel like they’re biased against them, and they might not want to use them. So a better way to phrase that is, I have been thinking about things. I have been doing some research.
Lora Cheadle [00:18:23]:
Here are some law firms that seem like they might be good fits. Here are some, divorce mediators that I’ve been researching. Why don’t you look at them? Here is a divorce coach who does couple strategy sessions. Why don’t you check her out? Why don’t you see what you can find and then we can have a conversation? Because that way your partner then will go to my website, will go to the Garsky Divorce Mediator’s website, will go to whatever website it is, and they will get the information on their own, and they won’t feel like, oh, you and Laura have been ganging up against me. So that’s my 2 sons, actually, my 3 sons, on how to tell your partner that you want a divorce. Okay. One of the biggest concerns for anybody is what will it look like financially if I divorce? What will it look like financially if I divorce? I know. I know.
Lora Cheadle [00:19:35]:
That’s a big one. We’re gonna go into some more details on that later, but what you can do right now is to start looking at things. Look at if you’ve got a home, what did you what was the original purchase price on that home? What is it worth now? Just hop on Zillow even and just see what might it be worth right now. Figure out how much is left on your mortgage. Figure out your interest rate. Start just making a listing of your assets, your debts. Start paying attention to what some of these expenses are and just start brainstorming and making lists. Don’t get too in the weeds about how am I gonna afford this and what’s going to happen and what if and blah blah blah.
Lora Cheadle [00:20:28]:
Just start making lists. What do you spend at the grocery store? How much are you spending on gas? Just so you can start, becoming aware, making yourself aware. If and when you do file for divorce, you will have to upload all of these documents. So you’re preparing yourself. You’re getting ready. But even if you don’t get divorced, it’s really good to start figuring out where you stand. A lot of the clients that I work with are women who have stayed at home with the kids for a number of years and or they have a partner who primarily does the finances. So there’s also some shame.
Lora Cheadle [00:21:08]:
Like, why was I not more involved along the way? Oftentimes, they feel stupid. I don’t know about these things. They feel really hard and scary. And then they’re embarrassed to reach out and to say, I don’t know what you mean by profit sharing or pension or what what does it mean when something vests? I don’t know what that means. It’s okay. It’s okay if you don’t know basis or capital gains or these are all just terms that get thrown out by financial planners, by divorce attorneys. It’s okay that you don’t know what they are. That’s why I’m saying it’s a good idea to just start going slow.
Lora Cheadle [00:21:50]:
Just start learning a few things here and there, and I can help you along the way. If you’re doing some of the Garsky divorce mediation, they can help you along the way. Whoever it is that you use, make sure that you are comfortable with that person and that you can say, I don’t know what you mean. I don’t know what this is. Because we all want to help you, and our goal is for you at the end of the day when the divorce is all done to be okay, to be able to build that next chapter of your life. Okay. Back to what it will look like financially. Basically, the goal of the courts is to make things even and fair.
Lora Cheadle [00:22:36]:
So think 5050. Depending on your state, some states are 50 50 states, and some states are equitable distribution states. Colorado, for example, is an equitable distribution state. However, that said, most courts pretty much like to make things even, and even pretty much means down the middle with some exceptions. Life is complicated. Situations are complicated. You know the specifics of your situation, and you know why in your case, 5050 might not be fair. And that’s okay too.
Lora Cheadle [00:23:19]:
If you’ve got a situation where you really feel like you are entitled to 70% of the pension or the house or the assets, and your partner is only entitled to 30, as long as you and your partner can agree to that, can talk about it, and can show the court why that is actually equitable in an equitable division state, that can be a thing. That can totally be a thing. It’s just that you have to justify it. And it’s not one of those situations where you’re like, yeah. I’m entitled to 90%. Uh-huh. And it’s really not fair because the court is not in the business of harming 1 party and trying to make the other party, like, prop them up. Now that said, you might be thinking, well, yeah, my partner cheated on me.
Lora Cheadle [00:24:11]:
It’s obvious I’m entitled to more. And what I’m gonna say is sadly, no. Sadly, no. The court does not care about infidelity. The court does not care if your partner was a bad person. The court doesn’t care. The court is about dividing property equally and to making sure both parties come out with a fair amount. That’s one of the reasons too.
Lora Cheadle [00:24:43]:
I think it’s important to use somebody like me, a divorce coach, an infidelity coach, a therapist to help you process all those emotional pieces where you might wanna be saying, but that’s not fair. He cheated me. I’m entitled to have the kids. I’m entitled to have more custody. Not unless your kids are in danger. Property will not be offset unless maybe there was fraud. So these are some of the specifics. This is why you might need to talk to an attorney to talk about the specifics of your case, but in general, it’s even.
Lora Cheadle [00:25:22]:
Even when it’s equitable, it’s fairly even. So as you’re compiling your assets, your debts, all of those things, here’s what I want you to think about. Are the things that you came into the marriage with that are separate property? Maybe an inheritance. Did your husband have something that’s separate property? Maybe a he collected cars and he came into the marriage with a bunch of classic cars. You had some inheritance from your great aunts and from whatever, and you had a coin collection that you came into the marriage with. What are the separate pieces of property that are separate that might not be divided? Then look at your assets, look at your debts, and realize that most of those will be separated roughly 5050. Again, I’m not giving you legal advice on that because I don’t know the specifics of your situation, but that’s what you can roughly look at and determine. Okay? What I wanna do now is I wanna talk about 3 ways to divorce.
Lora Cheadle [00:26:31]:
A lot of this is specific to Colorado, but it is the same in other cases, and that will give you an overview of the process and what you can look for along the way. Typically, when you file for divorce nope. Let me tell you the 3 ways, then I’ll go through. 1st way is pro se or DIY do it yourself. That’s where you go to the court’s website. You download the documents. You fill them out yourself with your partner. You turn them into the court.
Lora Cheadle [00:27:02]:
You argue on your own behalf. You set things up with your partner, and you do everything on your own. That is an inexpensive, quick way if there’s no contention, you can agree on a lot of things. Typically, there’s no kids or it’s very clear between you 2 when you have very little property. If there’s anything that you’re gonna fight about, that’s not really the way to go. 2nd way to do it is a fully litigated divorce, and that’s where you have an attorney, your partner has an attorney, all the decisions go between the 2 attorneys. The attorneys talk to each other. They go to court.
Lora Cheadle [00:27:41]:
They file the paperwork. They figure everything out. You negotiate through your attorney, and you get whatever is settled between the 2 attorneys or if you have to go to court by the judge. The third way is kind of a hybrid mediation option, and that’s what Garski Divorce Mediation does. And what they do is they walk with you through the process. Not all mediators are the same. But at Garsky, what we do is we have a series of meetings. During one meeting, we take care of the finances, and we agree, all 3 of us, you, your partner, and the mediator.
Lora Cheadle [00:28:21]:
Couple weeks later, we do another meeting. We figure out kids stuff. Parenting time, who makes the decisions, overnights, vacations, holidays, all of that, we decide. Couple weeks later, you know, we do a division of property. We figure all that out. We get all the forms filled out, and we fill them out. There’s other firms like us in other, states that will do a similar way, but that’s kind of a hybrid way to do it. And when you do a divorce mediator like that, you can also get legal services and legal advice on an unbundled basis.
Lora Cheadle [00:28:58]:
And what that means is if there’s a point of contention or something you’re curious about, you hire an attorney just to answer your question. So it’s a lot less money because you’re like, I’m just paying you for an opinion about this one thing. I’m just paying you to tell me what I would get in this very specific situation. So then you can come back to the mediation and be like, alright. I’ve got this question answered. Now we can make a decision. So so those are the high level three ways of how you can get divorced out in Colorado, but in other states as well. Now I’m gonna go back to the fully litigated divorce where each of you use an attorney because that is what most of us think about when we think about divorce.
Lora Cheadle [00:29:45]:
And I’m going to give you the overview of divorce in Colorado. Again, it’s similar in different states. I got my little notes here, so I make sure I get it all in. Okay. When you decide you’re going to get divorced, what starts it is you file a petition for divorce with the court and a case information sheet. The case information sheet says things like the party’s names, addresses, if there’s minor children. It’s just putting everybody on notice that, yes, we’re getting divorced, and we are filing for divorce. That’s also protection in case your spouse is now gonna go, like, spend down all the assets.
Lora Cheadle [00:30:25]:
You can’t do that. That doesn’t work. This puts the court on notice that, yes, we in fact are getting divorced. 42 days later let me 42 well, let me start by this. After the petition is filed, there’s a mandatory 91 day cooling off period in Colorado, which means you have to wait at least to 91 days for the final petition of divorce to be finalized. So you cannot just get divorced in a week. You can’t get divorced in a month. You have to wait at least 91 days.
Lora Cheadle [00:31:01]:
And often that could be longer based on the court’s schedule. If you’re using attorneys and your attorneys are busy for 3 months because they’re doing all these other cases, it might take you 6 months, 9 months, a year to get divorced. If you’re fighting about things and you can’t agree, that’s gonna push that out too. Some divorces go on for years because nobody can decide. So best case scenario, the fastest you can get divorced, at least in Colorado, is 91 days. Okay. So you file that petition with the court. 42 days later, an initial status conference is set.
Lora Cheadle [00:31:45]:
In Colorado, that is just a phone call with the family court, and you basically talk about finances. You you you have to submit your financial disclosures, your swore sworn financial statements, and this is just letting the court know this is everything. Life insurance policies, like, you might talk about social Security, credit card debts, houses, cars. These are just your financial statements. If you’ve got a secret credit card, you need to disclose it. If your partner has a secret bank account, they need to disclose it. If everything’s on the up and up and you feel good, wonderful. This is great.
Lora Cheadle [00:32:25]:
But this is also one of those times where if you’ve got a partner who you think is hiding, maybe experts can be brought in, maybe a forensic accountant to figure some things out. If you are using attorneys, your attorneys are gonna want experts on everything. If somebody’s got a business, they might want the business valued. They might want your home and appraisal done on your home. If you’ve got artwork or jewelry or guns or anything like that, attorneys are gonna say, we need to bring in an expert, and we need to have these things valued. Can be great. Can be necessary. It’s expensive.
Lora Cheadle [00:33:05]:
If you’re talking about, like, $1500 per evaluation, per all these different things, that adds up quickly. That’s why sometimes if you don’t need attorneys, it’s best not to use attorneys. Because if you’re using a real divorce mediator, like the kind of mediation that I do, we can all sit down and we can talk. We can agree. You know what? My direct sales business is only worth about this much. Yeah. I agree it’s about worth that much. Your whatever business, we can agree on some things.
Lora Cheadle [00:33:41]:
Our artwork. Yes. I remember that we paid this much for it. Yes. I know. And we can agree without experts. Because if you both agree that your artwork or your gun collection or your jewelry or whatever is worth x amount, there’s no controversy. You have both agreed.
Lora Cheadle [00:34:02]:
So that’s why you can save so much money doing mediation instead of divorce. By the way, do you know the average cost of divorce? It’s insane. It’s truly insane. $25 per person per person. I’ve seen estimates that say the average is 55,000. But think about this. If I’m paying my attorney 400 an hour and you’re paying your attorney $400 an hour and they meet for a 1 hour meeting, boom. There is $800 out of the marital estate already.
Lora Cheadle [00:34:39]:
Sometimes it’s totally necessary, but attorneys can drain money fast. Here’s the other thing that I want you to know about attorneys, and I started to say this when I was talking about, you know, when I was an attorney. An attorney’s job is to zealously represent their client, to zealously get the best deal they can for their client. So that means if it is in my client’s best interest to have the business valued at 200,000 instead of a 150, I need to do everything in my power to see that that business gets valued at 200,000. My partner’s attorney, their best interest is to make sure the value business is valued at 50,000. They’re gonna do everything in their power to make sure that business is valued low, including maybe, well, we got an estimate. Well, we got an estimate. Well, now we need a second estimate.
Lora Cheadle [00:35:31]:
Well, we need a pretty soon, you’re $10,000 into estimates. Whereas if you and your partner would have talked, you could have agreed. You know what? Actually, this business is really worth about 90,000. And we both know it, and here’s the reason why. And maybe did you lose a little, or did somebody gain a little because the valuation was off by 5,000? Possibly. But guess what? You just saved $10 in valuation reports and attorney’s fees. So really netting it out at the end of the day, perhaps it’s a better deal. Perhaps it’s not if you have a very contentious partner who is lying and hiding things, but it’s just something that I want you to be aware of.
Lora Cheadle [00:36:24]:
Anyway, back to divorce in Colorado. You file the petition. 42 days later, you have that initial status conference where all the financials are done, then you have a mandatory mediation in Colorado that is not the kind of mediation I do. This is a court appointed mediator. You and your attorney sit down in one room, your partner and their attorney sit down in another room. You’ve got all day and your attorneys go back and forth between the rooms, passing messages, making you decide, Hey, I’m gonna say this and I’m gonna get this. Well, I want the tea set from great grandma. So and so I want half of the property.
Lora Cheadle [00:37:07]:
Will I get this car? Will you’re gonna take this debt? Will I get the kids every other Christmas? Will you get them on this? But these are the overnights, and this is the blah blah blah blah blah. And your attorneys go back and forth between the two rooms, and you’re supposed to hammer out an agreement. And, wow, let me tell you, that’s overwhelming. And then at the end of the day, you’re both supposed to sign that agreement, and then, bing, that’s what you’re gonna live with. That is your divorce settlement. And then at the end of the day, when it’s time to issue the decree, the judge will sign off on that and, bing, you’re divorced. That’s a lot, and that’s overwhelming. If you can’t agree, then what happens is you will have to go to a permanent orders hearing.
Lora Cheadle [00:37:54]:
And that’s what you think about when you think about going to court. That’s when you sit down with your attorneys in the courtroom, and you have witnesses and documents, and then there’s the judge, and you each argue your case, and then the judge makes the decision for you. And let me just say it’s so much better if you can make the decision for yourself because judges are great people and they work really hard. But at the same time, they’re overwhelmed and they’re not interested in the personal side of things. They are interested in having a fairly equitable divorce. They are interested in having both parties move on, and they will make decisions that seem very rational and reasonable to them, but might not be applicable to you and your situation at all. So yet another reason to do real divorce mediation, not court appointed divorce mediation, but work with a mediator to help you and your partner come up with an agreement. Because, again, unless your partner is really horrible and is intentionally doing things to hurt you, in which case you need a lawyer and you need a judge, when you can make the decisions for yourself, it makes it a lot easier to live with.
Lora Cheadle [00:39:20]:
So that’s the arc of divorce. You file the petition. You’ve got the initial status conference. You have your court ordered mediation, maybe a permanent orders hearing, and then the judge issues a decree of divorce. The decree of divorce is the document you will need to legally change your name, move health insurance, change and distribute things like on a pension, life insurance, all of that good stuff. So Garski divorce mediation. Let me that’s let me compare and contrast a little bit. That is the arc of an attorney litigated divorce or if you’re doing the divorce by yourself.
Lora Cheadle [00:40:02]:
Those are all of the things that you will do. If you use a qualified divorce mediator, somebody who is certified to do this, your things will be a little bit different. At the Garsky divorce mediation, what we do is we have a series of meetings along the way. We sit down together, you and your soon to be ex spouse and me and another mediator. And during one meeting, we talk about the financials. We break them apart. We figure it out. During another meeting, we talk about couple weeks later, we talk about kids, physical custody, decision making, all of that stuff.
Lora Cheadle [00:40:44]:
During another meeting, we talk about division of property. During another meeting, we fill out the paperwork, and we get it all signed and sealed and ready for you to file and deliver to the court. So your interaction with the court is minimized because you have come up with all of the agreements yourself. One of the questions sometimes people ask is, will the court automatically just rubber stamp it? No. The court doesn’t rubber stamp it. They’re gonna look at the agreements. And if you’re saying I get 90%, my partner gets 10%, the court’s gonna question that and be like, But during this process, we help you make sure that it does seem fair, that it is equitable, that things are divided. So your chances of having the judge look at the documents and be like, ding, divorced, go up.
Lora Cheadle [00:41:41]:
So those are the ways to divorce in Colorado, totally on your own, litigated, fully litigated, having attorneys do it totally for you, or kind of that hybrid using a divorce mediator to help you fill out the paperwork, to help you come up with decisions, and to help you along the way. Okay. So back to you and your situation. We just talked briefly about what it looks like to be divorced financially, And I said, start looking at your, your own balance sheets, putting together your debts, your, assets. I also want you to start thinking about where you would live. If you have to sell the house, most people do have to sell the house. What does it cost to rent or to buy a new place? Get online and start looking at what that would cost you. Look at the what it costs for cable, Internet, water, electricity, HOA dues.
Lora Cheadle [00:42:44]:
Look at all of that and just start making a worksheet for yourself over what it would cost to live on your own. What are you paying for your kids’ lessons, clothing, sports, all of those things? Start listing that out. In general, children’s expenses will be divided, and I’ll go into kids, stuff in a moment here. But just start assembling all of these documents. Start doing some research. Don’t stress yourself out, but just see what do I spend a month on clothing, cosmetics, food, haircuts, dry cleaning, all of those things so you know. Now are you employed? Are you not employed? Have you been out of the workforce for a while? Do you need some new training? Do you need a certificate? Do you need to go back to school? Oftentimes, training, things like that, are things that it makes sense for the marriage to pay for. If you stayed at home so your husband could finish his degree, it makes sense that now the marriage would support you in attaining your degree.
Lora Cheadle [00:43:58]:
So what do you need to do? Do you need to go back to school? Do you need some career coaching or counseling? What do you need to do? A lot of people, like I said before, a lot of the people that I work with have been stay at home moms for a long time, and they’re like, I don’t want to go back to work. Day care is expensive. Our kids have special needs. I don’t wanna do that. Again, look at the cost of day care. What would it cost you to have your child in full time special needs day care? Look at that because that is a cost that would be distributed between you and your partner. So look at what it would cost. What might you need to earn to pay that? How can you balance that out? What I do want you to know is the court doesn’t just say, yay.
Lora Cheadle [00:44:51]:
You gotta stay home. You have kids. They don’t just gonna say, yay. Your husband gets to stay home because you have kids. They will do what’s called imputing income to you. Imputing income just means that they will assume that you can make money. They will assume that you can make money. They will assume that you will at least get minimum wage.
Lora Cheadle [00:45:15]:
So they will impute income to you full time minimum wage, and then they will divide it out. This is your maintenance. It used to be called alimony. So if you’re wondering, like at alimony, it’s now called maintenance. And if you have been the primary stay at home parent, yes, you are probably entitled to some sort of maintenance or alimony, but the court will impute income to you as well. Full time minimum wage right now is about 25100 a month. That will be imputed to you because it is assumed that you could go out and you could get a full time job making minimum wage. Maintenance is also, roughly, again, in Colorado, everything is different, half the length of the marriage.
Lora Cheadle [00:46:06]:
So if you were married for 10 years, you will probably be entitled to about 5 years of maintenance. If you were married 20 years, you would be entitled to 10 years of maintenance. So roughly half the marriage. Again, if you make more money though, you might have to pay maintenance to your spouse. So maybe you were the one with full time income. Maybe you have an amazing job and your partner has stayed home. Then you might need to be getting them maintenance. You might need to be helping them get their degree or renew their certification or whatever it is so they can start working.
Lora Cheadle [00:46:52]:
Because, again, the court is all about setting people up to go forward and to be successful taking care of themselves. Okay? Makes sense? Reach out if it doesn’t because I know it gets confusing. Look at all the assets. Look at all the debts, roughly dividing them in half. Maintenance about half the length of the marriage. Oh, here’s another one. Income will be imputed to you. Again, I set up minimum wage, but there’s also such a thing as that’s, as being underemployed.
Lora Cheadle [00:47:25]:
If, like me, I’m a lawyer. I’ve got a degree to practice law. If I go back and start being a greeter at Walmart and I start making minimum wage, the court’s gonna look at me and say, uh-uh, you are capable of making way more than that. You are being voluntarily underemployed. If if you truly can’t get a job practicing law, you’re being voluntary underemployed, and they will impute even more income to you. So if you’re afraid that your partner is gonna quit their lucrative job and go start doing something really small time, the court will impute income to them, which means they will have to pay you more. They can’t they can’t screw you over voluntarily. Okay? So that’s the deal with all of that.
Lora Cheadle [00:48:21]:
Underemployed. And, again, if you’ve got questions about specifics, that’s where reaching out to an attorney on an unbundled basis. Can I buy an hour of your time? Can I buy a half hour of your time? That is really useful. Okay. Now let’s talk about kids for those of you who have kids. There are two forms of custody, now called parenting time. There’s the physical custody, and that’s the number of overnights. And that’s what everybody thinks about when they think about custody.
Lora Cheadle [00:48:55]:
Like, who has custody? Where the child physically lives? That’s parenting time. And then there is the decision making side of things. Who decides? Religious training, medical decisions, educational decisions. Who makes decisions? So you have to decide both. Again, the courts like to make things even. The courts like for the kids to have an equal relationship with both parents unless there’s abuse, unless there’s neglect, unless there’s some horrible reason why a parent can’t have custody, typically, the courts go for that joint custody, that 5050. Depending on the kids’ ages, there’s various ways to do that. 5 to 2 5, like 5 days here, 2 days, then 5 days, then weeks, weekends.
Lora Cheadle [00:49:53]:
You can structure it any way that works for you, but the court does have recommendations. Sometimes there’s a situation where somebody doesn’t really have like, they’ve just moved out. They don’t have a great place for the kids. So temporarily, the kids will stay in the family home or or the home of 1 parent. And then when the other parent gets a better living situation, the kids can rotate. A new a fairly new concept is bird nesting, where the family keeps the home and the kids live in the home, and the parents rotate in and out. So I live there a week, then my ex husband lives there a week. You live there for a month.
Lora Cheadle [00:50:33]:
The ex person lives there. Like, you can do all sorts of things. But what the court is interested about, interested in a stability for the kids. The court is interested that the kids have access to both parents and that they are loved and cared for. The standard is called best interest of the child. You know, we talked about reports earlier. If there’s truly something that’s wrong, if the kids are in physical danger, emotional danger, whatever, yes, you definitely do the reports. You can get the child custody, evaluations.
Lora Cheadle [00:51:14]:
There’s the court appointed child custody evaluator, and then there’s, like, the private, child family court appointed child family investigators, and then there’s, like, the private services where psychotherapists and child therapists will come in. Those reports again can be enormously expensive but worth every penny if there’s a truly dangerous toxic situation. And I just want you to know that is something that needs to be done through attorneys. But if you and your partner are both safe, with the kids, emotionally safe, physically safe, it is in your best interest to make the decision for yourself to talk about it. Like, we know my family does the Christmas Eve, so we’ll alternate this. We’ll figure it out. Custody is stat I mean, I’m sorry. Child support is statutory.
Lora Cheadle [00:52:08]:
The amount of money that each person gets for the child is statutory. How that is decided is both on need and ability to pay. If you each made the exact same amount of money and you each have the kids 50% of the time, neither of you would owe child support to the other. But if one person has the kids 90% of the time and makes less money, and this person has the kids less period of time and makes more money, they will owe child support. So child support is based on the number of overnights, that’s for sure, and the ability to pay, and it’s statutory. Running your numbers through the child support guidelines is easy to do if you have the software. You can reach out to an attorney. Most financial planners have it.
Lora Cheadle [00:53:04]:
I know when we do the mediation, that’s a calculation that we can also run for you, but it’s based on overnights, the amount of money that you make, need an ability to pay. Let me look at this. Okay. I think we have kind of wrapped that up. I’m gonna backtrack because I know this is a lot. There’s the financial, legal, property pieces, and then there’s, like, the kid pieces. 5050. If you mostly think about 5050, that’s what the court strives for, both in terms of property, in terms of money, assets, and in terms of kids and parenting time.
Lora Cheadle [00:53:58]:
It’s about making people equal and empowered to take the next step. It’s not about punishing somebody for doing something wrong. I encourage you to start looking at your assets, to start making a budget for yourself just to see what it would take. Look at your kids’ expenses. See, you will each be roughly entitled to or required to pay for about half of your kids’ expenses. Just take the time and look at it. A divorce, minimum 91 days, can go on for years depending on what you need. Retirement, What are you what kind of social security? What kind of pension? Again, let’s divide it out fairly.
Lora Cheadle [00:54:47]:
Take your time doing all of this. Take your time. Think about truly what you would need or what you would want. Think about things that are outside of the marital estate, all those individual things. Those will be yours. Think about creative solutions on the house. So many people do need to sell the house. What it means to buy out one party, like, you would take, the purchase price, then you would need to figure out how much you’ve paid down, what is still owed on that mortgage, what you would sell it for right now, what it’s worth.
Lora Cheadle [00:55:22]:
You would have to take what it’s worth, then you would have to buy that person out. So you would have to pay for what’s left on the mortgage plus half of what you could sell that house for now. You might offset it in division of other property in retirement assets. But then is it fair that all of your money would be tied up in a house or all of their money would be tied up in a house when that’s not really a very liquid asset? So lots of things to think about. And my biggest tip around all of this is to give yourself plenty of time to think, to ponder, to process. If you need to be divorced by a certain time, find out how long it takes in your state. You might need to get pregnant. If not, do some of the legwork now.
Lora Cheadle [00:56:20]:
Have somebody run the child support calculations for you. Start figuring out what you might need to do to go back to work. Figure out what it takes to live on your own. Figure out what’s being spent on your kids, and then start compiling that list of marital assets. That’s called the marital balance sheet in Colorado. So you start knowing where you stand. Know that you can always hire attorneys on an unbundled basis to answer specific questions. If there’s something you wanna get valued now, if somebody’s gonna value the business or value the house, if that’s something that you feel strongly about, you can do that.
Lora Cheadle [00:57:00]:
Reach out to me if you’ve got questions. I am happy to coach you through this process. I’m happy to sit down with you and your partner and create a strategy for figuring out, do we wanna stay together? Do we wanna divorce? How might we wanna do this? I’m happy to do that. If you’re in Colorado and you’re thinking about a mediated divorce where you and your partner sit down in the room with a mediator and you make all the decisions together, then Garski divorce mediation. And I will put all of the links in the show notes below. But this was just a very high level preview of things to think about. And what I also wanna say is your brain should be a little bit full and overloaded right now, and that’s okay. Save this recording.
Lora Cheadle [00:57:56]:
Go back to it. Write some things down. Come back to it. Reach out. Have some initial consultations. Come back to it. Divorce is best done in small chunks. Small chunks.
Lora Cheadle [00:58:12]:
Giving yourself time to physically process. One of the things that I do with my coaching clients is I tell them to move, to bounce, to shake, to help assimilate what’s going on in your body. Because this is a lot of mental energy. This is a lot of heart energy. Swish. Move. Breathe. Swoop your arms up and down.
Lora Cheadle [00:58:34]:
Turn on a song and dance. Cry if you feel like crying. But move and let this information gel. Okay? You have time. You have resources. Best of luck throughout this process, and remember that it is a process. This is not the rest of your life. One day it will be over.
Lora Cheadle [00:59:05]:
What can you do to make it as pleasant as possible along the way? You can make it as pleasant as possible along the way by using your tools, by moving, by shaking, by calling in experts and professionals like me, like artski, divorce mediation, by doing all of these things to help support you along the way. Breathe. You’ve got this. I look forward to our next interaction. Alright. I hope you found that interesting. It’s, again, my intention to have just given you something to think about, given you maybe some skills to analyze your own assets, made you think a little bit differently, so you can possibly plan in case you think you might get a divorce in the future. All the links are below in the show notes.
Lora Cheadle [01:00:12]:
Reach out if you need anything from me, if you need anything from, Garsky divorce mediation, if you need some financial planning, if you’re in Colorado. And let me know what you think. Let me know what you think because, again, it is it was kind of a different kind of a show, but it is important to know where you stand to get accurate information so the decisions that you make really are based on something. So as usual, have an amazing week and always remember to flaunt exactly who you are because who you are is always more than enough.
Lora Cheadle [01:00:53]:
Tune in next time to flaunt, find your sparkle, and create a life you love after infidelity or betrayal with Laura Cheadle every Wednesday at 7 AM and 7 PM Eastern Standard Time on syndicated DreamVision 7 Radio Network. Uncover the truth of what’s possible for you on the other side of betrayal and develop the skills and strategies necessary to embrace the future and flourish today. Download your free betrayal recovery toolkit at betrayalrecoveryguide.com.