Infidelity, Trauma & the Nervous System: Why Healing Is So Complex (and What Actually Works)

Smiling woman in glasses

Infidelity is rarely simple—and healing from it isn’t either.

In this grounded, deeply human conversation, Lora sits down with trauma therapist Dr. Monique Thompson to explore the real complexity behind betrayal, relationships, and recovery. This is not a conversation about quick fixes, blame, or black-and-white answers. It’s about understanding what’s actually happening beneath the surface—neurologically, emotionally, and relationally.

Together, they unpack how trauma lives in the body, why you can look “fine” while your nervous system is in distress, and how early experiences—even preverbal ones—shape the way we connect, react, and make decisions in relationships.

They also explore the truth about infidelity: it’s not always clear-cut, it’s not always intentional in the way we think, and it’s never just about the moment it happened. Betrayal often uncovers deeper layers—identity, attachment, self-worth, and long-standing patterns that were already in motion.

This episode is a powerful reminder that healing requires slowing down, tending to yourself, and getting the right support. Whether you stay, leave, or don’t yet know what you want, there is no one “right” path—only your path.

If you’ve been trying to make sense of what happened, or wondering why this feels so overwhelming, this conversation will help you understand why—and what actually helps.

Top 3 Takeaways

  • Infidelity is complex and rarely black-and-white. It often reflects deeper patterns, trauma, and unmet needs that existed long before the relationship.
  • Trauma is not just emotional—it is biological. You can appear functional on the outside while your nervous system is in a state of stress or survival.
  • Healing requires support, not isolation. Whether through therapy, coaching, or a team approach, having guidance helps you regulate, process, and make aligned decisions.

 

Pull Quote

“You can look fine on the outside—and still have a nervous system that thinks it’s in a war zone.”

Hashtags

#InfidelityRecovery #BetrayalTrauma #RelationshipHealing #NervousSystemHealing #TraumaRecovery #EMDRTherapy #PolyvagalTheory #HealingAfterInfidelity #WomenHealing #SelfTrust #EmotionalHealing #AttachmentHealing #LifeAfterBetrayal

Dr. Monique Thompson, DHA, LPC, LPC-S

About Monique

Dr. Monique Thompson, DHA, LPC, LPC-S, is an EMDR-trained trauma and infidelity recovery therapist based in Dallas with over 24 years of experience in private practice. She specializes in helping individuals and couples heal from betrayal, restore trust, and rebuild their lives with clarity and confidence by integrating faith, neuroscience, and psychology.

Dr. Thompson is the bestselling author of Infidelity Recovery Workbook for Couples: Tools and Exercises to Rebuild Your Relationship, a practical and compassionate guide for couples navigating the aftermath of infidelity. In addition to her clinical work, she has served for over 21 years as a consultant with SMU’s Perkins School of Theology and is an Associate Faculty member at the University of Phoenix, where she has been nominated Faculty of the Year for four consecutive years (2020–2023).

A dedicated mentor and leader in her field, Dr. Thompson has supervised and supported the licensure of 13 LPC interns over the past 15 years. She is also a respected voice in her local community in Little Elm, Texas, where she is known not only as a clinician and author, but as a committed mother and engaged community member.

Learn More at: https://doctormoniquethompson.com/home

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I'm Lora Cheadle

I’m Lora Cheadle, JD, CHt—a betrayal recovery expert, attorney, TEDx speaker, and author of FLAUNT! and It’s Not Burnout, It’s Betrayal. After uncovering my husband’s 15-year affair, I turned my own pain into purpose, helping high-achieving women reclaim their identity, power, and joy. As a trauma-aware coach and somatic therapist, I blend legal clarity with emotional and spiritual healing to guide women toward full-spectrum recovery.

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Flaunt! by Lora Cheadle
It’s Not Burnout, It’s Betrayal: 5 Tools to FUEL UP & Thrive

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Get the Transcript

  • Lora Cheadle [00:00:01]: You’re listening to Flaunt. Find your sparkle and create a life you love after Infidelity or Betrayal, a podcast for women who’ve been betrayed by their intimate partner and want to turn their devastation into an invitation to reclaim themselves and their worth. Tune in weekly so you can start making sense of it all and learn how to be okay on the inside, no matter what goes on on the outside. Download your free betrayal Recovery toolkit@betrayalrecoveryguide.com Foreign. Welcome to another truly incredible episode of Flaunt. Create a life you love after infidelity or betrayal. Today I am interviewing a pretty incredible woman, Dr. Monique Thompson, and we’re going to get into some good stuff. Lora Cheadle [00:00:50]: We’re just going to have a conversation, so I’d like you to just pretend that you are sitting here with us, that you are having coffee, discussing, thinking about things. And you know, I’ve said this in different shows before, but if you do have questions after the episode, please hit us up. Email me, Email Monique we’re always happy to answer your questions, to provide whatever resources that we can because our intention is always to serve you, to give you the knowledge, the resources, the tips on how to apply what it is we’re talking about. So reach out and connect. And with that, welcome to the show, Monique. I’m really excited to have you. Dr Monique Thompson [00:01:34]: I am so excited to be on this show that has done such a great service of helping people to use practical, every day, one step at a time, ways to cope with the kind of stress that comes from betrayal. It is a marvelous show. I have to give you your kudos and I just appreciate being a part of what you’re doing. Lora Cheadle [00:01:57]: Well, thank you. Thank you so, so much. Let’s start by learning a little bit more about you, because my audience doesn’t know you. Who are you and what do you do and what is your expertise? Dr Monique Thompson [00:02:13]: Well, by nature, I’m a curious cat, so this worked out. I enjoy complex human puzzles by nature. My mother had me in extensive science and math classes my entire life. So when I got to high school, I ran out of classes to take and that lady said, go find some classes. My father would not rescue me, so I had to go find some classes and I ended up in AP Psych and AP Sociology. Anyone who’s listening to my podcast interviews before knows the story that my high school counsel at the time happened to have a grant to train teenagers to be counselors and she popped me into those AP classes. She got me into the training program. I loved it. Dr Monique Thompson [00:02:56]: It was easy Work for me. I enjoyed it. I started doing retreats with younger elementary school kids when I was in high school. We did kid days in the cafeteria. I have seen enough ropes horses to last me a lifetime. And I started doing this when I was 15, 16 years old. I’ve never left the field. I am 55 and proud to be 55 and in practice 25 years as a clinician. Dr Monique Thompson [00:03:19]: In my private practice, I specialize in adult recovery from sexual trauma and couples recovery from affairs which are seemingly very difficult areas to, to work in. But if you’ve been through this, the other side of it, you can see how it is a feat. It is a heroic feat, but it is something you can accomplish. It is doable. Difficult, but doable. And likewise with surviving childhood traumas, interrupting generational cycles. It is doable, but I don’t recommend winging it. I recommend being on nailed it with your own life. Dr Monique Thompson [00:04:07]: So not so much. Here is where you get a little bit better support from professionals like yourself. Coming to see someone like me. There’s some mistakes as adults that you can get a second chance, but it can be quite expensive on every level. And sometimes we can skip the, you know, work smart, not hard. We can do it that way. So I like that philosophy. I enjoy doing a lot of trauma informed life coaching and I am an EMDR therapist. Dr Monique Thompson [00:04:36]: I use polyvagal therapy, theory, brain spotting, focusing. I love all the trauma families. But as you mentioned at the beginning, it’s nice to just have a companion for these things. It is nice to have somebody not judging you. Yes. And just there. And if you decided to stay in your relationship, somebody that’s right there. Someone who, if you decide not to stay, is right there. Dr Monique Thompson [00:05:03]: Someone, if you’ve not decided what to do, it’s just gonna stay right there with you. I jokingly say to my classmates, I know I’m your only living witness that you’re not crazy, but I’m qualified to say that you’re not. Yeah. So. But you can feel. These kind of situations can make you feel. Feel like your truth is that you are crazy. And the truth, your truest truth, is such a peaceful tranquility, if you’ve ever tasted it. Dr Monique Thompson [00:05:31]: You just feel this peace inside of you. And it’s still your truth, but your real truth brings you peace. And that’s what I like for us to, oh, get down in there and discover it is so all day long I get to see these beautiful awakenings and these miracles. And then sometimes I have somebody just fresh, they just discovered betrayal or they’re just fresh on coming into work. So I see that all day long. Just these stair steps of change. But it helps me to stay awake and alert and excited about this work. I’m a mom myself. Dr Monique Thompson [00:06:05]: I’m a married lady myself. I jokingly say I got a regular dude. A regular dude. I love me some him, but I got a regular dude and he would tell people, oh yeah, I love her, but she’s a regular little chick. She knows you make you question your life sometimes. I love him. I jokingly call him Big Daddy Wonderfulness the unconquerable. That is my nickname for him. Dr Monique Thompson [00:06:26]: My nickname by his mother is the champ. She says, oh, you know, you’re the champ. And what I call myself is the prize. So that’s my nickname for all of us. Yes, I love that. I love. I have fun all day, girl. Lora Cheadle [00:06:40]: That is so much fun. I want to go back to a couple of things you said, like complex human puzzles. Yes, I, I love that so much because I feel like we have these beliefs that life should really be linear. A to B to C to D. And we do this and then we do this and then if somebody cheats, you leave. Or if you have childhood trauma, you fix it. And life just is not that simple. Simple, oh my. Lora Cheadle [00:07:15]: It’s so complex. Dr Monique Thompson [00:07:20]: And it is, it is. Lora Cheadle [00:07:22]: And I just appreciate hearing how regulated and peaceful and calm you stay talking about how complex it is. Sexual trauma is huge. Affairs are huge. Like trauma is huge. And we can approach it from a place of non pearl clasping, you know, sad. I mean, yeah, sadly it’s common and Dr Monique Thompson [00:07:50]: yeah, well actually, you know, if we look at our everyday lives, some stranger can make a comment that weighs on your soul for decades. Yeah, you know, so there are so many different entrances and exits to our soul that we experience all day long, taking a moment of pause as you live your day. You know, a little phrase I have is Ohio only handle it once you experience something. The science tells us now, and this is decades old science, that you’re biologically experiencing each emotion for about 90 seconds. Post that 90 seconds, you’re making a choice, albeit not always conscious. We know also that you’re only 3 to 5% aware of your brain’s activity. So no harm, no foul, that you’re not consciously aware of your choice to continue experiencing something that you could have stopped weeks, months, years ago. However, here we are today as we’re recording this. Dr Monique Thompson [00:08:56]: Maybe somebody’s hearing it for the first time, that sometimes if it is just emotional strain, you can simply say I’m done with that piece of pie. I’m going to set it aside, notice it, acknowledge it and set it aside. And sometimes a way to know is it trauma versus emotion is you attempt to set it aside and it just, the taste won’t go away in your mouth. You’re like, I guess it’s just a bad taste. I can’t get rid of it, you know, and you just can’t get it out of your system. It just stays there. And so then you say, well, what does this mean? I need to do trauma informed care. Trauma informed care. Dr Monique Thompson [00:09:36]: After a while, I’m not, I don’t taste it anymore. I know I had that piece of pie. It was bitter. I thought it was chocolate. It was the other thing that looks like chocolate. Lora Cheadle [00:09:49]: We’ve all had that. Dr Monique Thompson [00:09:50]: Yeah, we’ve all had that. And. But then you try to take. You can’t taste it anymore. You can’t quite catch the scent. And you also, when you check your body, you notice that you’re not having the somatic reflex to it. And you say, huh, that’s interesting. That’s. Dr Monique Thompson [00:10:05]: That’s gone. And then you notice the thoughts associated with it that you’re stupid, you know, that you deserve to, that you should have known that it wasn’t chocolate. You notice those thoughts have been replaced by, well, it had a sign and I wasn’t paying attention, maybe, but it also didn’t smell like what it was. And I didn’t actually eat that whole piece of pie. I spit it out or even if I did it, I’m not dead. I’m here. And I think I’ve chosen growth here. Oh, my goodness. Dr Monique Thompson [00:10:38]: I did choose growth. And I’m my living witness that I chose growth because I’m still here. And then you start tasting your truth and noticing I am growing from my truth. And now I can look back at that experience and every time I look back, choose healing, choose growth, choose this momentum to move forward. And you. I think I’m over that piece of pie. You know, suddenly I’m over that piece of pie and now I’m ready to go to the pie shop again. I’m like, no, yeah, I would like a piece of chocolate pie. Dr Monique Thompson [00:11:07]: Chocolate milk chocolate. Lora Cheadle [00:11:09]: Yeah. Dr Monique Thompson [00:11:09]: Oh, yeah, I’m fine now. I’ve grown. Yeah, I, yes, I would like. Well, actually I’ve grown to the point where I don’t think I want the regular chocolate. Do you have any gluten free? Like, maybe I’m being healthier, you know, but I’m not avoiding. I’m no longer avoiding an entire pie shop. I’m no longer avoiding anything that looks like that. I’m now being thoughtful about other things that are important to me. Dr Monique Thompson [00:11:33]: My heart health, my brain health, my organ health. And I’m making those kind of choices for health reasons. And if I put this into the universe of human relationships, I’m noticing that I am compatible with people, and I don’t have to put dating behind me forever. And maybe I’m open to chemistry, I’m open to love. And I say, well, I can be healthy about my choice. I can be healthy about interacting, and I can stay in tune with myself because I’ve chosen healing and growth. I have some more choices for health going forward. However, I don’t ever deal with this. Dr Monique Thompson [00:12:08]: And it wasn’t just emotions. It was trauma. And I somehow noticed. I just keep. This is. I feel haunted. I feel cursed, you know, and it’s not that you were either, but you can feel that way. And that feeling can linger and linger and linger until you do something to choose it. Dr Monique Thompson [00:12:27]: And now, I mean, I love our technology. Now you can see a picture of the brain, of what it looks like before, what it looks like after. You can tell with any of your biometrics. I love those little rings that will tell you your heart rate is through the roof. You’ve convinced yourself that you’re fine, but your heart rate all day long was through. You’re not the roof. And the truth is, back in the 80s, one of the earlier studies under the McLean Institute of Houston did this study. Because the question was there, are we okay? Like, if you get the treatment, are people okay? And there was this little group of kids who’d been through a horrific home invasion. Dr Monique Thompson [00:13:04]: They hooked them up to see all during the school day, like, what are the biometrics? And, no, those. But the kids looked fine. Raising their hands. You know, Ms. Crabtree, call on me going after everything that all the other little kids were doing. But when they looked at their physiological symptoms, it looked like they were in the middle of a war zone. Yes. Right. Dr Monique Thompson [00:13:23]: So now we know you can present well. You can even present well to yourself. And then you go to the doctor like, well, you know, you need this, and you need, well, what is Will? Stress. Well, stress from what? And you’re trying to figure out, where did the stress come from. And you look deep down, like maybe you pause, go to see you Ms. Lora. Right? You go see you. Somebody comes to you, and you’re like, well, so let me listen to how. Dr Monique Thompson [00:13:45]: And you’re Thinking, yeah, we probably got to do some work, there’s something going on, right? But sometimes your own ability to reflect is also through the lens of your trauma. It’s hard to see yourself. You know, it’s hard to see yourself. And so then you, you work with somebody to help you see yourself, connect with yourself. Some of my clients call it a tingle. Like they notice when they’re deeply connected, they notice this tingle. And I’m like, well, I know you call it single, but it’s really a release of oxytocin is what it is. It’s the love hormone. Dr Monique Thompson [00:14:18]: And when you really, if you feel that natural hot, that tingle and it’s lovely and you suddenly like, nothing in my life has changed, but I’m connected to my truest self. And there’s the peace. There’s peace. So I, I love that. Part of the human complexity is that you can, without leaving your home, have a coaching, a therapy session and somehow you’re different. But you didn’t go anywhere. Yes, you kind of did go somewhere because you went back into these spaces that were undone and complex. You maybe got a few pieces of the puzzle. Dr Monique Thompson [00:14:57]: You have like the outside of the puzzle and you can start seeing things make sense. And then you notice that I, I’m feeling better. Your stress levels go down and the long term health outcomes, that’s where the, to me time passes. And sometimes you do get into a better relationship later, but your body bears the weight of it easily. Now. That’s the documentation. There’s no disagreement there in the science that your body does keep the score. You know better his work, your mind does good score. Dr Monique Thompson [00:15:26]: So 20, 30 years later, you’re having stress related illnesses and you don’t know what this relationship back here that I never really took care of my body, I move forward, I moved to a new home, I quit my job, I reinvented myself. I’m now doing what I love to do. I But that trauma is a biological event, not just an emotional one. And never doing anything with it. Your body keeps the score. And here we are. Well, how do we know that? The longest longitudinal study ever, Harvard study. And what did they say? Well, the one indicator was a healthy relationship of a healthy life or lovely life. Dr Monique Thompson [00:16:05]: Was they people married. Well, they related well, they connected well. Helen Fisher’s work on this, what did she say? Well, I mean we can actually look at your brain and tell if you were in a healthy, happy relationship. We can also look at your brain and see heartbreak. And interesting enough, she had couples who chose to Stay together even though they were not happy. There was a study, the American Family Values did a study on does divorce make people happy? The answer was no. I found it profound that people would stay married for decades unhappily rather than get divorced. And out of that sample, there was a group of people who would find their individual pathway to some level of solace and happiness, not get divorced. Dr Monique Thompson [00:16:52]: But that. That is not. That is not the rule. And what we see instead is that people will just kind of watch a slow decline into social isolation within the marriage. You know, just saying. But not right. And to anybody with kids that’s doing that, I need to tell you that that’s been disproven, that that is a pathway for a healthy family. It has been disproven. Lora Cheadle [00:17:20]: Right. Dr Monique Thompson [00:17:20]: We now know. I mean, if you want to Google something, Google Raising of America. There’s a little video there that they show some of their research on looking at brain scans of adolescent girls. And theirs was just family tension. We’re not talking about childhood sexual abuse, just retention. And the difference was there in their brains showing a market change in the pathway between the amygdala and the prefrontal cortex. And because of that, an increased risk of depression and anxiety, clinical depression and anxiety, while they’re still teenagers. So families that are saying, we’ll just hang in there for the kids. Dr Monique Thompson [00:17:56]: No, I’m not saying you’re doing damage. I’m saying the science suggest heavily that there’s a high likelihood that damage is occurring. Yes. And let’s. Let’s come together with a coach, with a therapist, Create a team. I like teams, by the way. Lora Cheadle [00:18:15]: Teams are the best. Yeah. Dr Monique Thompson [00:18:17]: Yeah. Lora Cheadle [00:18:18]: Different people have different specialties. There’s things you can do that I can. I don’t do emdr. Dr Monique Thompson [00:18:23]: You do. Lora Cheadle [00:18:24]: You know, it’s like we do. We all need different things and different perspectives. Dr Monique Thompson [00:18:28]: Yes. Yeah. Coaches and. Lora Cheadle [00:18:30]: Yeah, coaches and therapists gets blinded by something, too. And so often it’s nice just to have different perspectives out there. Dr Monique Thompson [00:18:38]: It is, it is. I. I’m on several, several teams and I realized, like, the role I play in it, you know, So I like that. I like being the. We need somebody to do the emdr. People may not know eye movement desensitization and reprocessing and emdr. You don’t necessarily need to go to that therapist for the duration of your work. You can use an EMDR therapist to treat the trauma while you’re still working with your relationship coach or your life coach. Dr Monique Thompson [00:19:07]: You don’t have to stop you can continue. Lora Cheadle [00:19:10]: Yes. Dr Monique Thompson [00:19:10]: You go do your emdr. The EMDR therapist would. In my case, I usually communicate lightly like, they’re here. Like they actually. They actually made it here. They’re actively here, and then let you know they’re done, come back to you. Or sometimes we do a light consult, but really it’s like going to your eye doctor and then going to your OB GYN and going to your dentist. Everybody’s doing something different. Dr Monique Thompson [00:19:37]: It’s still for the whole body. And you don’t all. I like different perspectives, too. It’s help. I believe I’m. I believe it’s helpful to have a team. And often people need a little bit more psychological space than they can get from one person. It’s one. Dr Monique Thompson [00:19:57]: It’s, you know, each person’s different. But I. I am a part of a lot of teams. I like that. I like that. And before I was the EMDR therapist, I had the MDR therapist as my. I had that person and my person retired, though. That’s really Steve Reed. Dr Monique Thompson [00:20:11]: Listen, if Steve, if you’re listening, you. You spurred all this. He retired. And I said, well, what am I supposed to do? Because he was my favorite. Right. I remember my anniversary is coming up for my 25th anniversary. I’ll gift that to. My practice is to go do this. Dr Monique Thompson [00:20:25]: And so that’s really what happened, is one of my favorite, you know, the team thing. I mean, for decades, I had used to. And suddenly, you know how you’re sending people to people. What is going on? People come back saying they can’t get it. I was really. I was out getting gas one day, so I called him some. What is going on? Lora Cheadle [00:20:43]: Why can’t people get in with you? Dr Monique Thompson [00:20:44]: He’s like, monique, I’m on my way Lora Cheadle [00:20:46]: out of town and I’m retiring. I didn’t know. Dr Monique Thompson [00:20:48]: You did not mention that you were retiring. Retiring. Lora Cheadle [00:20:51]: And you’re not allowed to retire. Dr Monique Thompson [00:20:53]: Exactly that. Right. So I do have some other colleagues that I use. But you know how you have like your go to person. So he was my go to since that time. I have, you know, a few others. I have a lot of kid people. Lora Cheadle [00:21:05]: Yeah. Dr Monique Thompson [00:21:05]: People are going through. You need a kid person that you trust. I’d like to have a good kid person in there. It has worked well with other couples who have anybody under the age of 18 that you just go. Just go get everybody checked out. Because if they’re fine, you have your baseline. If they’re not okay, you. It’s much easier for us to keep a child healthy. Dr Monique Thompson [00:21:27]: Than to return them to health. Oh, my God. It’s just easier. The brain is still developing into your 30s. The younger they are, the more plastic it is. It’s just easier when a mom or a dad is finding this out. I. I would like for you to believe that you stayed checked in as a parent. Lora Cheadle [00:21:46]: Oh, you can’t. I’m sorry. As somebody who’s been through it, you cannot. You can do your best, but you are in survival mode. You are not. You are not in the prefrontal cortex. You are not regulated. Dr Monique Thompson [00:22:01]: You want to be. Lora Cheadle [00:22:02]: Yeah, you try it. And I think the insidious part is oftentimes you think you are. You know, you think you’re doing fine. I thought I was doing fine. And then like that, you look back on it and you think, no, I really wasn’t fine. Dr Monique Thompson [00:22:18]: And then you wondered, did I do any. You know, is this damage? And so I want people to hear me. Undoubtedly, the damage is not irreversible. Welcome to 2026. Yes, I really have. My heart goes out to people who went through this in the 70s, 80s, and even the early 90s, before we had a lot of the discoveries of some of the trauma therapies, Especially before the age of the brain. The. The Internet and the age of the brain with the National Institute of Mental Health, they happened at the same time. Dr Monique Thompson [00:22:51]: So it just happened that the then director of the National Institute of Mental Health was a brain guy. He happened to have a lot of friends in Congress, so he was overfunded to research the brain at the same time. We had the Gulf War and the Department of Defense was terrified. My words, not theirs. That we would have the same PTSD crisis that we’d had before. So they over funded research on ptsd at the same time, we had the Internet come up. So the Internet allowed scientists like me to interact with each other. And if anybody’s ever watched Lorenzo’s Oil, that was the key that. Dr Monique Thompson [00:23:26]: That family, they were like, we’ve got all these people all over the world with answers. We need them all in the same room. Well, the Internet created rooms for us. So now, like research gate.net I go in there all the time and communicate with other researchers. I can commute just like you guys. We have Facebook, there’s social media. So right around that time, there’s like this boom in the science. Yeah. Dr Monique Thompson [00:23:52]: But we suddenly have this interconnectivity. So I genuinely. My heart goes out to those families before the Internet and before all this research, because now there’s so many tools. Somebody Going through betrayal, trauma can find you from their phone. And I happen to know you have, like a lifeline so they can get in there. That was not an option. No, in the 80s. Lora Cheadle [00:24:20]: Exactly. Dr Monique Thompson [00:24:21]: They would have to literally come physically to you. The best you had was the phone. Yeah, A phone call. Lora Cheadle [00:24:30]: Right. Dr Monique Thompson [00:24:30]: There was no video. It was a phone call. Right. Lora Cheadle [00:24:34]: And you’d have a text. Dr Monique Thompson [00:24:35]: Yeah. Lora Cheadle [00:24:36]: Go to the library and check out a book if you wanted. And you wouldn’t even. I mean, I’m in the 80s. I don’t think anybody, unless you’re in the field knew what polyvagal theory was. Dr Monique Thompson [00:24:46]: It wasn’t even here yet. Lora Cheadle [00:24:49]: What would I check a book hat on? I don’t know. I mean, it wasn’t a thing. Dr Monique Thompson [00:24:54]: Yeah. He was still doing work on heart rate variability then. Yeah, yeah, it wasn’t here yet, so. Right. It wasn’t here. We weren’t here yet. Yeah, you’re right. You’d have to go to that. Dr Monique Thompson [00:25:04]: And that was the old. So I’m giving my age, but I didn’t have a problem. This was back when you had to go and go through the card catalog to hope the book was even there. Yes, hoping and then hope that you can check it out. Because if it’s one of those one of a kind books or something, like you’re not going anywhere to sit down with their reference librarian looking over her eyeglasses at you and showing your idea. I mean, you had to go. Lora Cheadle [00:25:31]: Yeah, this was hard stuff. Dr Monique Thompson [00:25:33]: Hard stuff just to get information. Right. So now we have the information highway, and your one task is credibility. But I followed you. I love your work. It is, oh, so exact with the science. I love that. And so that is the challenge people have now is sifting through the voices and finding credibility. Dr Monique Thompson [00:25:51]: So I, I appreciate your work. I do listen and I appreciate your work. You talk about the prefrontal cortex. The first I said, yes, you, you making decisions without that now, you may as well flip a coin. Right. Lora Cheadle [00:26:06]: Right. Dr Monique Thompson [00:26:08]: Second chance, you know, and then because you’re agitated, you might, you might actually land at a good decision. Flip the coin, you come. But your sense of peace about it, Lora Cheadle [00:26:19]: and that’s what matters, is truly the sense of peace. Yeah. And agency. Because when we feel like we have agency, it changes everything. And I think I see that so often with betrayed women. It’s like, this happened to me. And then suddenly, because this happened to me, they feel like, so life is just going to happen to me from now on. And it’s like, you know, I appreciate so Much earlier you said make a choice. Lora Cheadle [00:26:44]: There are choices that we can make. No, we’re not completely in charge of our brain at all times. We have to allow ourselves to process. We have to work with people. We have. There are circumstances where we don’t. We can’t just choose on demand. And I think there’s that, that’s, that interplay that sometimes people struggle with. Lora Cheadle [00:27:07]: I, I have a very compassionate stance towards the betrayer because I feel like so many betrayers are not horrible people. They are very damaged people. They’ve been through a lot of trauma. Their. Their brains have been hijacked. I mean, my husband has pre. Verbal trauma. Do you know what. Lora Cheadle [00:27:27]: How hard this has been to disrupt all of this? Severe trauma, sexual trauma, fit. It’s really hard. I have compassion for him. There were things that his brain. I don’t want to say his brain made him do it and he had no choice. Of course he had choices. Dr Monique Thompson [00:27:44]: And yes, I know I’m gonna get. I’m not giving an excuse either. I’m giving understanding. Yeah, let’s differentiate. Not excuse, but understand it. Because of the, of the negative cognitions that come become core beliefs. Some of them are preverbal. So let’s start there. Dr Monique Thompson [00:28:00]: Some of them are preverbal. But what is inside the person is this. I am worthless. I. I am alone. I will be those kind. You know, I will be hurt. You know, bad things always happen to me. Dr Monique Thompson [00:28:16]: You know, those core things. And the problem there is if you think that the person has to articulate that, that is not always the case. It can be felt. It can be a. A felt sense of worthlessness. Here’s the thing. How long have we known that? How long have we known that people will experience a sense of being disconnected? We have known that since Dr. Renee Spitz, he was an Australian psychiatrist who looked at hospitalized infants. Dr Monique Thompson [00:28:49]: We’re talking about back what was World War I. Lora Cheadle [00:28:52]: He. Dr Monique Thompson [00:28:53]: We’ve been knowing this for a long time. Yeah, a long time. This is what, 20, 26? He was in the 30s, the 40s. This is how long we’ve known. He. And let’s be clear. He was looking at orphaned newborns. Orphaned newborns who were failing to thrive. Dr Monique Thompson [00:29:10]: Meaning they were dying. Lora Cheadle [00:29:12]: Yeah. Dr Monique Thompson [00:29:12]: In the hospital. Because they were not being nurtured. Yes, because they would not be nurtured. Then we see Bolby recreating the experiment funded by the Centers for Disease Control. He sees, you know, what? If we reunite babies, we can’t reunite orphan babies, but we can reunite babies whose mothers are in prison. What would happen if we do? But I need everybody to hear, we’re talking about pre verbal. We’re talking about babies. Yes, babies who are dying because they’re not being cuddled and loved on. Dr Monique Thompson [00:29:48]: So to be clear, we’re not excusing, but I do want understanding. And you are correct. I get emails from, from the person who cheated on the regular saying, oh, I wish I’d read the workbook because I would have realized A, B and C. And I probably wouldn’t have caused this secondary trauma by the crazy things I said when they found out I cheated and I blamed them for cheating on them. And when I was wallowing in my own self pity and wasn’t taking ownership and responsibility, I was not making amends because I was self sabotaging. Because deep down I didn’t feel like I deserved love. Where did that come from? Because the person who’s been loving you this whole time, your partner has been fine. It was not them. Dr Monique Thompson [00:30:28]: It absolutely was not them. It was pre marriage. And sometimes, as you just mentioned, we could go all the way back to pre verbal. Well, is it a death sentence if that happens to you, if you’re a kid? No, because we’re now in 2026 where we have plenty of pre verbal trauma informed work that people can do to raise their self awareness. Raise their self conscious awareness. Lora Cheadle [00:30:54]: Yes. Dr Monique Thompson [00:30:55]: Get them engaged. So you want to be kind of in that ventral vagal state. So we’re talking about some of porges polyvagal theory. So if I can get you up there, you can make an intelligent, socially connected decision to make direct and living amends. But if you’re still in that dorsal vagal state, when you’re trying to engage, you shut down. You shut down. So you ask that person, you know, I want to know some more about what happened. They’re not talking literally stonewalling. Dr Monique Thompson [00:31:21]: Okay, what do we know about stonewalling? Gottman has told y’ all repeatedly, when you engage in stonewalling, you just drive the relationship over the cliff. It can’t come back. Well, if somebody’s in the dorsal vagal state, they’re shutting down, they’re stonewalling. Right, Right. Then that’s going to push you to a sympathetic state you’re in fight or flight. So you got questions like this, right? You know, because you’re fighting, you’re fighting with your questions. And so now you’re using criticism, contempt. I bet you had answers for her, I bet you didn’t. Dr Monique Thompson [00:31:54]: Criticism. So now we just catapulting. All right, so But. Or if everybody can find care. I do not recommend walking that path alone at all. No, no. Lora Cheadle [00:32:07]: Yeah, because you’re. Dr Monique Thompson [00:32:08]: You’re right. Lora Cheadle [00:32:09]: Like everything that you’ve described, that’s a hundred percent it. And I’m sorry, but very few people are so self aware that they could be like, oh, you know, I’m moving into and blah, blah, blah. And what I need you to. And what you’re triggering in me is like, nobody does. That we need. Dr Monique Thompson [00:32:27]: Not in real life. Yeah, not in real life. Lora Cheadle [00:32:29]: Not in real life. Dr Monique Thompson [00:32:30]: Not in real life. Lora Cheadle [00:32:31]: Yeah, we need people on the outside to point these things out and then like you said earlier, to give us a tool. Okay, I’m starting to shut down. What’s a tool that I can use? Oh, great. Now I know what to do. Okay, I’m starting to fire off those questions that I’m flying into contempt and I’m out of control. Dr Monique Thompson [00:32:50]: Somebody talk about a coffee cup? I heard somebody say that they connected to mindfulness by tuning in to being the queen and picking a certain cop. I don’t know. Do you know who that might have been? Who’s that? Was that you? That was you? That was you? Because yeah, I’m saying yes, but that is a. That’s. That is direct. What can I do when I wake up in the morning? I can connect with myself. Lora Cheadle [00:33:13]: Yes. Dr Monique Thompson [00:33:14]: I can take a breath, connect with myself more deeply, scan my body, see how I’m feeling right now. Where am I? Am I feeling like I want to engage with people I’m not feeling like I want to engage with? I can be a soft parent. I can use gentle parenting to the part of me that is hurting and allow that pain to be acknowledged and understood. Not excused, but acknowledged and understood. And be gentle with myself. And what is crazy is that I am listening to myself and connecting with myself. I then move up out of that state. As I am connecting and listening, I can listen to my anger. Dr Monique Thompson [00:33:51]: I can check in with my anger, say what? What is my anger trying to help me understand about me? What is the message my anger has? My anger may be actually saying, you’re needing to stop. You’re doing too much. Put down the phone. Do not call him again. You know, my sadness may be trying to help me see, you’re thirsty for connection. You need to pick up the phone not to call him, but to call your best friend that you’ve been avoiding. And don’t talk about all this, but tell her how in the third grade when she shared her watermelon candy with you, you that was the best day ever for you on that field trip because everybody had watermelon candy and she went in her bag and gave you one of her last two. And you’ve never forgotten that. Dr Monique Thompson [00:34:37]: What’s crazy is you picking to listen to your emotions. They will talk to you and you connect more deeply with yourself. The part of you that wants, you know, bust the window out your car. Listen to her. Oh, yeah. Listen to what she’s saying. Because what she may be saying is, I want justice. Lora Cheadle [00:34:56]: Yeah. Dr Monique Thompson [00:34:56]: And you’re settling. And I want justice. Now we need to work this out, because now we have two coexisting conflict and truths. You want to work this out and just give everything away. And I want justice. Now, if you can quieten yourself, there may be a remedy where you can find peace within. You’re like, I am. I do want justice. Dr Monique Thompson [00:35:15]: And then as you’re listening to yourself, you say, well, how can I get justice? Well, actually, is it the state I’m in? I can get a temporary stay on this house while we figure things out. I can get a temporary stay on all the finances while we figure things out. I actually can possibly get child support while he’s living over there and I’m living over here. Depending on what state I live in, I can go online to one of the free sites for the. For the attorneys and get a couple of consults on it so that I at least know what my legal options are and not talk to people who don’t have a degree. Lora Cheadle [00:35:44]: Yes. Dr Monique Thompson [00:35:45]: Yes, I’m being facetious, but I’m also being real. Lora Cheadle [00:35:47]: Oh, it’s so true. No, it’s so true. Dr Monique Thompson [00:35:51]: So, but if you’re listening to your feelings, they’re there to give you messages. The louder they get. It just means you’re listening is low. You want your listening high so that your emotions calm down. It’s hard to remember to do all this. So we’re right back to go get somebody to walk in there with you. You know, this you. That’s your work. Dr Monique Thompson [00:36:10]: And my work, too, and your work. But that’s what I’m saying. Yes. Lora Cheadle [00:36:13]: Yeah, yeah, absolutely. And you know the other thing about that, too, that I always think is interesting, and I love to talk to you about that. Isn’t it funny how when we start learning things, oh, I’m learning about the brain. Oh, I’m learning about trauma. How we don’t want to make it about us, we want to make it about the other person and fixing them. Dr Monique Thompson [00:36:33]: Now they gotta get tell you about him. Yes, he Needs to. Okay, I’m. I’m gonna say something that. May we. We only have a few minutes left on this cup, but I’m gonna bring this up and you guide us. He’s a narcissist. If I hear that one more time. Dr Monique Thompson [00:36:51]: He might be. But we all have some portion of narcissism in the personality, which is just true. Lora Cheadle [00:36:58]: Yes. Dr Monique Thompson [00:36:58]: And the full criteria met. Meaning they genuinely meet the entire. Everything. The full diagnostic criteria for having an actual personality disorder is somewhat rare. Lora Cheadle [00:37:13]: Yeah. Dr Monique Thompson [00:37:14]: Okay. That he sucks. He probably. Probably does, but he Probably. But he might have some redeeming qualities, which possibly is why you walked down the aisle in the first place. Or why you moved in together in the first place. You likely were not insane. And sometimes that. Dr Monique Thompson [00:37:32]: What’s wrong with him? The question is needing to be turned around to what do I think might be wrong with. With. With me? Oh, my goodness. I really. I think something’s wrong with me. And then sitting in that and saying, what Is there. Is there something? Take a breath. They’re sad. Dr Monique Thompson [00:37:52]: I don’t like that about myself. And I want somebody else to be responsible for me behaving that way. I want it to be someone’s fault. I want. Oh, and there’s that. I. You know, I don’t really feel like I was loved either. And I was. Dr Monique Thompson [00:38:10]: I was willing to just have, you know, a bottle of water when I know I need water for a lifetime, and I just didn’t feel like I could ask for that. Lora Cheadle [00:38:18]: Yeah. Dr Monique Thompson [00:38:19]: Oh, there’s that. So then you sit with all of those different things. You know, we call that focusing. You know, you’re sitting with yourself and just kind of looking around at everything. And then you’ll notice when you hear your truest truth. And you go, oh, there it is. There it is. And whatever your truest truth is, it clicks. Dr Monique Thompson [00:38:39]: It clicks with you and you notice and you say, ah, you know, I. I gotta slow down. Let me slow down. Because the more I meet with myself, I’m not gonna. Probably be able to run fast. I’m gonna have to take a stroll with myself. And people may be pressuring because sometimes, especially in situations like this, there can be a lot of time pressure from other people. There can be sometimes genuine legal pressure. Dr Monique Thompson [00:39:06]: I’ve worked with a lot of couples. There’s genuine legal pressure. Somebody’s filed and they have to answer. You know, you’ve created some legal pressure. Or there’s a child custody matter, and there’s a. You know, there’s time pressure or where perhaps there’s been some pretty significant levels to the betrayal. There may be a baby on the way or a company that has to be dissolved because of this indiscretion. Or sometimes people have life changing financial infidelity where they go to get something at a store and they’re like, what do you mean my car is declined? Well, okay, here you go. Dr Monique Thompson [00:39:42]: They’re not even distressed. Like, oh, I don’t know what that is. So they go, that car is. What do you mean? What’s going on? So then they go, check. You don’t have any money. Right. And your credit score is in the fours. Right. Dr Monique Thompson [00:39:54]: You didn’t even know any of this was happening. Because financial infidelity tends to accompany actual, you know, cheating. So sometimes there’s these things that create pressure that make you want to just, it’s over, it’s done. I’m done. You know, or people may say, I know you’re done now, because this is the fourth time he’s, you know. Right. You got to slow down, get your Zen Buddha stuff together. Lora Cheadle [00:40:20]: Yes. Dr Monique Thompson [00:40:21]: I mean, seriously. And not so much your cognitive self, your thinking self is tired and possibly needs to sit down for a minute while the part of you that’s in pain is tended to. Yes. Lora Cheadle [00:40:38]: You know, and that tending to. I. I love that. It. It’s a verb. I am going to tend to myself. How? That’s so hard. And especially for women. Lora Cheadle [00:40:52]: I’m just gonna say it. Especially for women to tend to themselves. Oh, what does that mean? No, I need to take care of other people. No, I need to do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. Dr Monique Thompson [00:41:03]: Girl, listen, you can’t even go to the bathroom when you have children. Lora Cheadle [00:41:07]: No, you can’t. Dr Monique Thompson [00:41:07]: I’ll say it. So, I mean, I know it’s not funny, but you can’t. Like, I, I too, I’m a woman, you know, I’m a mom. Seriously. I mean, my kids are 13 and 23. I still have to lock the bedroom door. Lora Cheadle [00:41:19]: Yes. Dr Monique Thompson [00:41:19]: If I actually intend to take a full bubble bath with no interruptions. And then I got to go into the master bedroom and lock that door too, if I want to have, like, my whole experience. I got to make an announcement. Lora Cheadle [00:41:33]: Yes. Dr Monique Thompson [00:41:34]: Going in here. Lora Cheadle [00:41:35]: You know, don’t bug me. Dr Monique Thompson [00:41:36]: Don’t bug me. Right. So imagine like, this is everyday life. That’s just everybody. You, you talk to any of the marriage experts and they’ll tell you, why do couples not make it? Just because. Sometimes it’s just. It’s hard just because it’s just hard. It’s just hard. Dr Monique Thompson [00:41:49]: So you add just, it’s just hard to add infidelity. Lora Cheadle [00:41:55]: Oh, it’s really hard. And like that, you know, when you were talking about the complexity, it’s never just infidelity. I mean, maybe at some point there was just somebody who cheated. Cheated for no apparent reason. And it. Dr Monique Thompson [00:42:11]: I have not met them. Lora Cheadle [00:42:12]: I have not met them either. You know, one of my taglines is betrayal uncovers the truth because it uncovers all of this generational trauma. It uncovers all this stuff about me that I didn’t see. Oh, I’m a perfectionist. Oh, I’m a performer. Oh, I’ve got this need to take care of people. Oh my gosh. Do I have the worthiness thing? Why do I think I need to be that person? Wait a minute, what about that? Dr Monique Thompson [00:42:36]: But what about you? You. Lora Cheadle [00:42:38]: I mean, it’s, it’s tangled and it’s messy and it’s never just infidelity. So you say hard. Oh, then it gets really hard. Let’s just bring in the last 200 years of mankind and womankind, you know, and, and poverty and all of these different things. Dr Monique Thompson [00:42:57]: Yes. Seriously. I see everybody. I, I tell her I see everybody. I see people who are here with foundation support. Lora Cheadle [00:43:04]: Yes. Dr Monique Thompson [00:43:04]: And I see people that we all see on tv. I see everybody, all of them. People need to understand that this kind of situation. One like you. I’ve never met anybody who was just plain clear cut vanilla. No. I am by nature non judgmental. Just by nature. Dr Monique Thompson [00:43:22]: But earlier in my career I had some boxes about what consentment and what cheating meant. And one of my first eye opening situations was a pimping a sex worker. And I was like, how can there be cheating to be cheating? But it was a consent issue. And then since that time I’ve worked with lots of different couples who have lots of different agreements. And the issue is always consent. And sometimes somebody started off consenting and change their mind. Well, now we need to come back to the table because you changed your mind. But I don’t want to change my mind back. Dr Monique Thompson [00:44:03]: What do we do from here? Because it’s not always just plain old black and white. We made a vow. I found out 20 years in that you had another family across town. Sometimes is we had an agreement to do this and to do that. Lora Cheadle [00:44:20]: Yes. Dr Monique Thompson [00:44:21]: And you breached that agreement. Or we were not yet even married. And there was this expectation and it was a reasonable expectation because sometimes people have been together for years and never actually legally married, but they had a reasonable Expectation. And somebody would say, well, they weren’t. They had a reasonable expectation. Right. Lora Cheadle [00:44:47]: That this was going to be. Dr Monique Thompson [00:44:48]: Yeah, it was going to be. Or sometimes people have been through this and done this therapy, they’ve done coaching, they’ve been on the retreats, they’ve been to the conferences, they’ve read all the books. They. The person’s in a 12 step program and then it happens again. Lora Cheadle [00:45:04]: Huh. That’s a big one. Dr Monique Thompson [00:45:08]: And it’s a. You know. And what do we do from here? You reset and you come back in and you find your new truth. What is it? I don’t know. I never know. I never know what your truth is gonna be. You don’t know what your truth is gonna be. And I don’t know what the relationship is going to look like it. Dr Monique Thompson [00:45:27]: I have seen incredibly messy situations work out just fine. Yes. And I’ve seen ones where I just don’t see how y’ all can’t figure this out. It’s very simple. And it not. I mean, when I say smithereens, I mean there’s no. Nobody’s married anymore. They are gone their separate ways. Dr Monique Thompson [00:45:45]: They’re living in two different countries is over. It’s over. Over. Lora Cheadle [00:45:50]: Right. Dr Monique Thompson [00:45:51]: Over something that other couples, I genuinely think they would go over there. Right over that. Cheating can mean so many different things for other people. Some people count you interacting with someone in a romantic way as a capital C. Cheating, infraction. Yes. And some people, like, y’ all went to dinner. Okay. Dr Monique Thompson [00:46:14]: Did she pay her part? Lora Cheadle [00:46:15]: Right. Right. Dr Monique Thompson [00:46:17]: So you just went to dinner. Okay. And some are like, well, I mean, you went to dinner and what happened next? Like, they want to know what was the story. And some are like, so she’s been bringing you donuts at work every morning. Okay, so you’re gonna quit that job? Lora Cheadle [00:46:36]: Yeah. Dr Monique Thompson [00:46:36]: Right. Are we going to have a conversation? Lora Cheadle [00:46:38]: Yes. Dr Monique Thompson [00:46:39]: I mean, and I’ve had people where they figured it out. Like, I trust people’s spidey senses. People figure out something’s wrong sometimes before it goes too far. And they go, I don’t know what it was about that person. And then the betrayal, the person who did the betraying. People need to understand that sometimes they did not consciously intend the full unfolding. The phrase I have for that is this over confidence, Overconfident about I can touch the hot stove. See, I touch the hot stove. Dr Monique Thompson [00:47:14]: I know how to touch stoves. I don’t go too far. I just do this much. Calling everybody, you know, in an informal way, interacting with people in a Certain way, and then you run across the right one. Lora Cheadle [00:47:29]: Yeah. And even I, I, I love that you said that because that is, that is real too. And I think sometimes people think, oh, my partner’s BSing me. No, that is real. Sometimes people really, honestly believe that, that it’s, they’re not BSing you. Dr Monique Thompson [00:47:46]: They really think. Lora Cheadle [00:47:48]: And what I like to challenge is so many people say, I know myself and I would never do that. I know myself and I know I would never do that. And I’m wise enough to know that as soon as you say, never say never. Yeah, I mean, never say never. Because as soon as you say, I know me, I would never do that. Dr Monique Thompson [00:48:06]: People think stations in life. I work a lot with clergy. A lot of times they have such shame about this that where are you going to go? You need to go somewhere with, I mean, people are not going to tell. Well, where is that? With the professional. So I see a lot of clergy that are struggling with feelings, thoughts, interest, or acts. They’ve actually done something and they’re thinking, I need to, I need to not do that again. Well, people need to hear this. And I know it’s an unpopular thing, but every affair partner is not cooperative about the end of this. Dr Monique Thompson [00:48:37]: Every affair part is not cooperative. And sometimes people were trying to end things when it blew up. Sometimes they ended things long ago. You found out today, so it’s today for you to. But they stopped five years ago. And they have been trying, but obviously the biggest try, the biggest justice is for it to never have happened at all. Which is where I really love. When the betrayal comes to me first, that is the best, is when the betrayer comes to me first. Dr Monique Thompson [00:49:08]: So I can say, okay, so when, not if. Because in their minds, if it, if it comes when, not if it is coming out. Yeah, when it comes out. Let’s talk this through. What are you going to do? Erase the board because you’re not gonna do that. Erase the board because you’re not gonna do that. Erase the board because you’re not gonna do that. Because their first instinct is defensiveness. Lora Cheadle [00:49:27]: Yes. Dr Monique Thompson [00:49:28]: The next instinct is to blame any, any, any, every. Anything everybody else. The, the next thing is to say to downplay it. Well, it was only, it was just, okay, erase the board. Erase the board. It takes a lot. And I’ve worked with people who have cheated before for weeks and months. And I, I’m a big strength. Dr Monique Thompson [00:49:52]: Years. I have worked with people who have cheated, sometimes for years, because they’re trying to figure out what to say. They’ve stopped. But they are still trying to figure out what to say, what to do. And my best advice is go sit with somebody and figure that out. Because sometimes what the person who betrayed figures out is that I actually don’t want to be married. Lora Cheadle [00:50:14]: Totally. Dr Monique Thompson [00:50:15]: I don’t want to be married. And what I need to do is take this step towards a healthy divorce. That is actually what I don’t need to make a heroic gesture of trying to save the marriage because I messed up. And I’m trying to make it up to this person by making sure maybe the truth is that I. I don’t want to be married and I’m wrong for having cheated, but I’m actually wrong, girl for making this heroic attempt to stay when I don’t want to stay here. And I’m trying to make them think that they’re crazy for saying that they think I don’t want to stay when the truth is I don’t want to say. Multiple people. I’ve worked with them to face the music. Dr Monique Thompson [00:50:54]: The problem is you don’t love them. Lora Cheadle [00:50:57]: Right? Dr Monique Thompson [00:50:59]: Right with that. The problem is that you don’t. The reason therapy’s not working, the reason that coaching’s not working, the reason the concert and people need done, people spend thousands of dollars to come to the real. The, the conscious acceptance. I won’t say realization. The conscious acceptance that the problem is that I do not love my spouse. Lora Cheadle [00:51:20]: Yes. Dr Monique Thompson [00:51:21]: I have not loved them for years. Back when I stopped loving them, everything they did, including drink water, started getting on my nerves. Lora Cheadle [00:51:30]: Yeah. Dr Monique Thompson [00:51:30]: Because I didn’t love them. So there was nothing they were going to be able to do to please me in the bedroom. They couldn’t go make more money. There was nothing they were going to be able to do because I. My heart was not there. Lora Cheadle [00:51:42]: Yes. Dr Monique Thompson [00:51:43]: Sometimes that’s the problem. And I’ve worked with more than one, more than two, more than three people who were cheating. And I’ve worked with people thinking about it. I still have people, you know, who are thinking about doing it. I’m not, I’m not trying to convince you to do or not. We just use this room for the truth. And people will sometimes realize, I, I don’t want to do this. But they come to their own realization for their own truth. Dr Monique Thompson [00:52:08]: And sometimes people said, you know, I do want to do this, which means I need to leave. Yes. That’s what that means. You want to do this means it’s time for you to leave. So now we work on leaving without blaming, making up some crazy reason for A divorce when the reason is that you know that you are not going to be faithful. Lora Cheadle [00:52:36]: Yeah, yeah. And those layers, those layers happen on both sides because same thing, I’ve worked with so many women who have been betrayed and part of them is like, yes, finally my excuse to leave. I’ve been wanting to leave for years and this has happened, but then they’re going to hook back in. I need to punish you and make you stay. And it’s like, oh my gosh. I mean, that’s what I love about you. Dr Monique Thompson [00:52:58]: It’s truth. Lora Cheadle [00:52:59]: Let’s get to the truth. Yeah, let’s talk about what it is that we want, what it is that we don’t want. Sit with those different parts, tend to the part that’s like, yeah, I want to be vindictive on this. Don’t be vindictive, but talk to that part. Let yourself feel some of it and then let’s process it and anchor back into your truth and find that peace and live your life. Dr Monique Thompson [00:53:19]: Have a whole listening session. I, you know, whenever I’ve invited people to check into those parts, sometimes the parts are literally at war with each other. Yes. Inviting them to find, let’s find another place for them to be. Where else can they be? Can we move them away from this war torn area to someplace safer to talk? People have created beautiful universes for all their parts to meet up and talk. Invite your wisest self, your 80 year old self, your 90 year old self to this conversation. See if wisdom can be in a part of this and then look over and say, oh, you know what, who’s that sitting over there by themselves? Oh, that’s my 16 year old. So what happened to her? Well, she, her first boyfriend cheated on her and she doesn’t trust men in the first place and she says this is what was going to happen anyway and she doesn’t want to participate. Dr Monique Thompson [00:54:03]: So that meeting space for your parts. Lora Cheadle [00:54:07]: Yes. Dr Monique Thompson [00:54:07]: Where you then cannot pledge allegiance to the loudest part. Instead pledge listening to your loudest part. I’m going to listen to this loudest part. What is it trying to get me to hear so I can go on and hear it so we can shut up to the next part. But all those parts being heard and my belief in that is that there’s no bad, I like the, you know, there’s no bad parts. I like that approach. I like ifs internal family systems. I love that. Dr Monique Thompson [00:54:37]: I also love, though, the daily living of your life. Sometimes it’s too much, I think. Sometimes, yes, sometimes it’s too much. Living your daily life, putting into practical application, living your. You, you become your future self every night. Lora Cheadle [00:54:56]: Yeah. Dr Monique Thompson [00:54:57]: You know, and I’m gonna give a little tip, you know, to get this. Now before you go to sleep, write a letter from your future self to you. From the future self to you. What do, what do I need from you? Your future self is like, well, I need a good night’s sleep. I need you to do this. I need you. So listen to your future self and see what you can do. And if you can’t, you can’t. Dr Monique Thompson [00:55:21]: If you can try, you know, wake up the next morning, these notes from my future self. See if you can identify. I like a 15 minute running list of all the thoughts are coming on and then a breath of truth. Now, what is the one thing, if anybody’s read Gary Keller’s one thing, you know, what is the one thing that in so doing will make everything else unnecessary or easy? Looking over all, when you’re going through something like this, you can have a 20 page to do list, but out of all those 20 pages, there’s one thing that in so doing will make everything else unnecessary or easier to do. Lora Cheadle [00:55:57]: Yeah. Dr Monique Thompson [00:55:58]: Taking a breath and listening to your future self, your wiser self. Enlisting the night before, checking into that and during your day, focusing on what is that one thing though? And for even me when I’m going, for me, some, my one thing sometimes is a 20 minute walk outside. Why? Because during that 20 minute walk outside, I come back wiser. Without fail, 20 minutes outside, I come back wiser. So sometimes even with all these different theories and coaches and therapists, you have to break things down to, I gotta live tomorrow. I’m a mom and a wife. These people gotta put, I’m gonna be in the car line. I gotta do this. Dr Monique Thompson [00:56:36]: You say, what can I do? What moment of sanity can I reach in and have for myself? Let me breathe through coffee. You know, I’ve got to make coffee anyway. Let me focus on one step at a time. Noticing what I’m doing, savoring what I’m doing. Savoring my moment. Lora Cheadle [00:56:54]: Yeah. Dr Monique Thompson [00:56:54]: Savoring my face in the mirror. Saving my child’s eye contact. Saving a hug from my friend. Savoring the moment. Giving myself a flush of happy hormones and breathing through it. Because this is not a one day task. No. Or 2. Dr Monique Thompson [00:57:13]: Or 3. Lora Cheadle [00:57:14]: No. Dr Monique Thompson [00:57:15]: Or 4. So your daily savoring of moments matters. Your time outside matters. Your time listening to your parts, that matters. You know, your time finding wisdom. Credible podcasts. I love yours. I listen to yours. Dr Monique Thompson [00:57:31]: Matters. That matters. So those are some of the practical, like, what can I do today? Those are some things you can do today. Type things. Lora Cheadle [00:57:39]: Yeah, I love that. Where can people find more of you? Get more of you. Dr Monique Thompson [00:57:44]: Read more than you get. Enough scoop. Get enough scoop. Okay. All of that on Instagram. Doctor, Doctor, Dr. Monique Thompson. Dr. Dr Monique Thompson [00:57:52]: Monique Thompson on Instagram. You can follow me there. They can Visit my website, Dr.moniquethompson.com either place you’ll find me. And I love working with people, but I, I love connecting, too. So I’m thank you for having me today. I had so much fun. Lora Cheadle [00:58:07]: So fun. I’m like, I just want to keep talking for another hour. Dr Monique Thompson [00:58:12]: Oh, my goodness. Yes, we can. We’ll do something another time, too. We’ll do something another time. Lora Cheadle [00:58:16]: We will. We will. So, yeah, listeners, check, check her out, read her stuff, check her out, follow her on social. And I love what she was saying about together. Teams, support. Come into her world. Come into my world. Come into our world. Lora Cheadle [00:58:33]: Let’s create some amazing stuff together. Slowly, one breath at a time. We’re not asking for blood or your firstborn. Just come into our world. Find one tool at a time. Savor the next conversation. Savor a social media post. Instead of looking for things like, oh my God, I need it, just savor. Lora Cheadle [00:58:54]: Have an amazing week. And as usual, always remember to flaunt exactly who you are, because who you are is always more than enough. Tune in next time to flaunt, find your sparkle and create a life you love. After infidelity Betrayal with Lora Cheadle every Wednesday at 7am and 7pm Eastern Standard Time on syndicated Dream Vision 7 radio network. Uncover the truth of what’s possible for you on the other side of betrayal and develop the skills and strategies necessary to embrace the future and flourish today. Download your free betrayal Recovery toolkit@betrayalrecoveryguide.com.