Why We Self-Sabotage After Betrayal: The Hidden Fear Blocking Your Healing
“The only way to show someone your emotional wound is to act wounded.”
Why do we sabotage our own healing after betrayal? In this episode, Lora Cheadle unpacks the deep fears that keep us stuck in suffering, even when we desperately want to move on. From punishing our partners to protecting ourselves from hope, success, or vulnerability, Lora walks listeners through the unconscious ways we stay small—and how to stop. With raw honesty, personal stories, and expert insight, this episode is your invitation to finally show your healing instead of your pain.
Top Three Takeaways:
- Self-sabotage after betrayal is a subconscious attempt to stay safe, avoid disappointment, and keep the emotional spotlight off ourselves.
- Many betrayed partners resist healing to “prove a point” or to punish their partner—unconsciously hurting themselves in the process.
- Healing becomes possible when you commit to feeling good, receiving love, and breaking your own patterns of isolation and protection.
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About Lora:
Lora Cheadle, JD, CHt is a betrayal recovery coach, attorney, TEDx speaker, and author of FLAUNT! and It’s Not Burnout, It’s Betrayal.
After uncovering her husband’s 15-year affair, she turned her own pain into purpose—helping high-achieving women reclaim their identity, power, and joy.
A trauma-aware coach, somatic therapist, and former attorney, Lora blends legal insight with emotional and spiritual healing for full-spectrum recovery.
✨ Learn more at LoraCheadle.com →
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TRANSCRIPT
Lora Cheadle [00:00:01]:
You’re listening to Flaunt, find your sparkle and create a life you love after infidelity or betrayal. A podcast for women who’ve been betrayed by their intimate partner and want to turn their devastation into an invitation to reclaim them selves and their worth. Tune in weekly so you can start making sense of it all and learn how to be okay on the inside no matter what goes on on the outside. Download your free betrayal recovery toolkit at betrayalrecoveryguide.com. Are you sabotaging your own healing after betrayal? Today, we are going to take a deep dive into understanding all of the fear that lurks beneath those self sabotaging behaviors.
Lora Cheadle [00:00:50]:
I am Lora Cheadle, a betrayal recovery survivor. And today, we are going to take a deep dive into the paradox of self sabotage after betrayal, why we unconsciously hurt ourselves after the pain is supposed to be over, and how to gently unhook from fear, from shame, from nervous system overdrive so you can stop shrinking and start living fully again. Or as I like to say, start flaunting again. Alright. Let’s begin. Let’s talk about the truth about self sabotage after betrayal. Betrayal, as we know, is one of the worst injuries. It’s one of the worst pains.
Lora Cheadle [00:01:41]:
It is by far the most god awful thing that has ever happened in my life. It absolutely fractured my trust, not only of the world, but of myself. Because if I couldn’t tell that my husband, the one person who loved me, adored me, cherished me above all else, if I couldn’t tell that he was cheating, how could I ever trust myself again? How could he cheat for fifteen years with five women and I not even know it? I mean, that was such that was such a catastrophic injury. I really didn’t think I could ever trust myself again. My body didn’t feel safe. My heart didn’t feel safe. Breathing, surviving, sleeping, it was all impossible. It was so hard.
Lora Cheadle [00:02:38]:
And there was this huge drive inside of me that, what if I get hurt again? I don’t ever want to go through this again. This is so exquisitely excruciating that I never wanted to go through it again. And there was that deep, deep desire to protect myself coupled with this deep, deep desire to make everything better again, to fix it all. And, yes, part of it was the nervous system response of fight, flight, freeze, or fix. I wanted to go into that fixed response so everything would be okay, and I could feel good again. Not gonna lie. That was a part of it. But there was also a huge part of me too that was like, this is my life.
Lora Cheadle [00:03:31]:
I have sacrificed, like, twenty years of my life. I had been married for twenty three at the time, but I had really sacrificed a good solid twenty of those years supporting my husband in his career, building our family, taking care of everything for us because I thought we was this unit. I thought we were in this together. So there was this huge compulsion, this huge drive, like, the opportunity cost, not to have those twenty some odd years wasted, but to make it worth something. To keep my family intact, to keep my home intact. There was this huge drive to preserve, to make all of that worthwhile. And those kind of butt up against each sometime each other sometimes. That drive to preserve, to protect, to make it all okay again so we can all get back to normal and feel really good with that protective feeling of never again never again will I go through this.
Lora Cheadle [00:04:44]:
Coupled again with the awareness that I’m not in charge of other people, I can’t control what anybody else decides. I don’t know if he wants to fight for the marriage. I don’t know if he wants to fight for each other. I don’t know what he wants to do, and I can’t control that either way. And I’m not even sure if I want him to because this was such a bomb that I had no idea was coming. So all of that was coming up, and I know you can relate because I’m sure you’ve been there too. All of that is coming up wanting to feel good, wanting to make sense of this all. But then there’s also an overwhelming feeling that he has got to know that this is not okay.
Lora Cheadle [00:05:36]:
I have to let him know how horrible this is for me because he’s not inside my body. He doesn’t know how this feels. And I’m not letting him off the hook. I’m not just gonna heal too fast and get over this and have him think that it wasn’t as devastating as it was. There was a huge part of me that wanted him to suffer every bit as much as I was suffering, if not more. I wanted him to hurt. I wanted everybody to hurt. I did not wanna be in this alone.
Lora Cheadle [00:06:17]:
And it was from that place of wanting him to hurt and wanting him to see how bad it was for me that early on, I took some actions that were not healthy or healing for me. They were intentionally designed kind of to be manipulative to make sure he knew he was hurting or had hurt me, and to make sure he knew I was still hurting. We’re not okay, buddy. I’m not just getting coaching and moving through this. I’m not just meditating and moving through this. You hurt me. And by God, I want you to feel every bit of that hurt. And I gave you so much love and I gave you so much consideration.
Lora Cheadle [00:07:03]:
And I did so much and sacrificed so much for you. And I don’t wanna be graceful about that anymore. I want you to know how much I did for you. I want you to feel every sacrifice. And I want you to frickin worship the ground I walk on for doing that and for staying here and for even considering making amends with you. That was huge. Those were very powerful, strong feelings inside of me. And here’s the thing about that.
Lora Cheadle [00:07:41]:
So so that self righteous indignation can be powerful. Self righteous indignation is very powerful. And it made me feel very strong and very morally superior and very proud of myself. And it also is exactly what hurt me. My pride, my assurance that I was doing things right, my arrogance, my certainty so often kept me from experiencing joy and fulfillment and connection where really I deserve to feel it most. And that, my friend, is self sabotage. By the end of the show, you are going to be really clear. By the end of the show, you are going to have this understanding of That’s what I’m doing, and that’s why I am doing it.
Lora Cheadle [00:09:00]:
At the end of our time together, not only will you be really clear, but you’re gonna feel way more at peace with this whole situation. You will have an understanding of what you were doing and how you were holding yourself back. And you will have not only the understanding and kind of that clarity, but you’ll also have a much greater desire to do whatever it takes to feel good. You are going to have a much bigger desire to lean into the fullness of your life. You will no longer self sabotage. You will stop self sabotaging and you will start empowering yourself, trusting yourself, taking action on your own behalf, granting yourself, and this is important, permission to do, to say, to think, to feel whatever you need to do or say, or think, or feel to feel really good, to feel really strong. And most importantly, to be really, really happy. And if this show makes an impact on you, which it will, it’s my biggest desire that you share it with others.
Lora Cheadle [00:10:30]:
This show is powerful in that we break down a lot of stigma. We break down a lot of shame, and I bring you a lot of information that is necessary for us to move forward as women, as survivors. You might know that one in five women are cheated upon by their emotion, by their intimate partner. One in five women have a partner who is cheating on them, and that’s on the low end of the spectrum. If you really look at the numbers, it’s probably more like half. That’s a lot of women out there who were experiencing the pain of infidelity. And like you, they might not be telling everybody. Like you, they might be afraid that people will judge them, that people will think they did something wrong, that they’re not a good partner.
Lora Cheadle [00:11:34]:
So please do do everybody the service of sharing the show, of sharing this kind of information, just putting it out there. So those women who are in this situation can know where to come to for help, for support. Like share rate and review wherever you get your podcasts and really help us all make a powerful difference. Alright. Let’s go back to this whole self sabotage thing. What is really going on when we self sabotage ourselves? What is going on in our nervous system, in our subconscious mind? Why would anybody do something that hurts themselves? It makes no sense. Right? Well, on the surface, it makes no sense why we would take action, why we would do things that hurt ourselves, but underneath, it makes perfect sense. That fear of hope.
Lora Cheadle [00:12:40]:
I don’t wanna hope, and I don’t wanna be disappointed. I don’t wanna put myself out there, and I don’t wanna lose again. I survived this time, but, oh my god, the pain was so intense. I never want to go through that again. That makes sense. We also have these subconscious beliefs that I really don’t deserve anymore. That this honest to god was the best that I could get. So I either need to make peace with this because it’s the best that I can ever get, or I have to move into a future that is clearly worse than this.
Lora Cheadle [00:13:17]:
I’ll be old and alone and poor and friendless. But here’s the thing. When we let that trauma response fight, flight, or freeze, oh my god, fear. I don’t wanna go through this again. What if he cheats again? What if I do all this work and it’s really not that good anyway? What if we should have been divorced fifteen years ago? What if I don’t survive next time? What if I don’t deserve more? What is the best? What if this is the best I will ever get? We have that push pull effect. We have the foot on the brake, the foot on the gas. I wanna heal, and I wanna get better, but not too fast. I wanna heal, and I wanna feel good, but not too much Because it’s gonna let him off the hook.
Lora Cheadle [00:14:05]:
Because it’s gonna disrupt a belief that I have that I’m not good enough. Because what if I am the only one in my family who’s really happy? Because what if I do have it all and everything is wonderful and joyful, then people will judge me. I need to be down here in the muck with other people fighting, struggling, not having enough. Because suddenly, if I have too much and my life is happy, people won’t like me and then I’ll be alone. Do you see how that sabotages down? We want to feel good. We want to feel healed, but what if? What if it doesn’t work out and what if it does? Those are both equally powerful. I wanna feel good and I wanna heal, but what if it doesn’t work out? What if I can never heal? What if I never feel better? That’s the whole negative side of it. Then on the flip side, what if it’s too good? Do I really deserve that? What will people think? Will people believe me? How will I know how to act? How how do I know how to act? What would it really be like to be cherished and loved and to have somebody fully supporting you in all in all areas of your life? Wow.
Lora Cheadle [00:15:22]:
What would that really be like? That’s jarring, isn’t it? They say, and I really think it’s true, the fear of failure and the fear of success are equally as powerful. And sometimes the fear of success is even stronger, especially if we come from a lineage of people who have not really succeeded, of people who have done well enough or have just gotten by. All of a sudden, thinking that we are totally successful on this other level makes us other than. If you have always bonded with your friends, your sisters, your mom about men, Men are so stupid. Men are so frustrating. Men never get it. Men do this. Men do that.
Lora Cheadle [00:16:17]:
What happens then if you have a really powerful man in your life? Men hurt, men cheat, men lie, men don’t know how to show up for women, but what if yours does? Do you see that conundrum that that creates? All of a sudden you’re out there on your own. That feels exclusionary. That feels scary. So oftentimes we will sabotage ourselves. We will sabotage our selves. We will sabotage our partner. We will sabotage the healing because we don’t know what that’s like. We’re afraid of things getting too good.
Lora Cheadle [00:17:06]:
I see this time and time again when the partner who has committed the infidelity really commits to their healing and their growth, and they start showing up differently. Guess who reels them back into the toxic dance? Yeah. We do. The betrayed partner, we reel them back in because we don’t know how to respond and react and be in a healthy relationship. We say we do. We say we do. But then we don’t know how to show up differently. Take a few breaths.
Lora Cheadle [00:17:51]:
How is this landing? We’re in this together. I want you to be honest. How is that landing for you? Is it easy for you to be like, yeah. I’m just gonna let down all of my defenses. I’m fine. There’s no fear. I’m just gonna slide into perfection. Or are things coming up? I know I bonded with so many of my friends, my mom, my friend, my, you know, neighbors about our frustrating husbands.
Lora Cheadle [00:18:28]:
And it was kind of funny, but it was bonding. If I didn’t have those jokes to share, would I be left out? I wanted to be cherished. I wanted to be the goddess. I wanted to be the queen. I wanted to be respected and honored, but I was not honoring myself. I was subjugating myself. And to have a partner that really elevates me means that I have to elevate myself. If my partner is really elevating me, I have to elevate me, and that means I have to change.
Lora Cheadle [00:19:16]:
That means I have to do things differently. Wow. What my ego does, what my mind does in those moments then is throw up this resistance. Uh-uh. He’s the one with the bigger problems. Uh-uh. I’m not gonna do that until he does that. Uh-uh.
Lora Cheadle [00:19:38]:
He doesn’t deserve me after all I’ve given him. Who does that hurt? That hurts me. And yet still, I would talk out of both sides of my mouth. I want this healthy healed partner, But I had this subconscious awareness that once he healed, then my issues would come to light. Yeah. His healing had to go first. His healing was bigger and louder. The cheating, the narcissistic behaviors, that was all big and loud.
Lora Cheadle [00:20:15]:
And it was so big and bright and loud that my issues could never really come to light. Once he heals, then the spotlight shifted to me. Oh god. I don’t want to deal with myself. I just had smaller issues. I didn’t have big t trauma. I just had some little things to deal with. I was so much more comfortable focusing on him and his issues because it kept the spotlight off of me and my issues.
Lora Cheadle [00:20:50]:
Hear that again. I was so comfortable shining the spotlight on him and his issues because it meant the spotlight was taken off of me and my issues. So instead of continuing to move forward and heal, it can be more comfortable to self sabotage yourself, your partner. So you can stay in that comfortable pattern of my husband’s the problem one. My marriage. Yeah. It’s him. It’s not me.
Lora Cheadle [00:21:28]:
Well, maybe it’s a little bit of us, but it’s mostly him. So we self sabotage to deflect, to keep the spotlight off of us. And that’s what’s really going on when we self sabotage. Take another breath because this is a lot. This means you really have to admit things to yourself. You know how I say betrayal uncovers the truth. This is one of those truths that it uncovers. It uncovers that you’re not comfortable healing.
Lora Cheadle [00:22:06]:
You’re not comfortable being that vulnerable. You’re not comfortable moving into a healed and healthy relationship. What? Betrayal uncovers the fact that you’re might not be ready to move into a healthy and healed relationship because it means you both have to do work and you both have to change. I know. And I wanna be clear. I’m not saying that your issues that my issues caused the cheating. They didn’t. They had nothing to do with it.
Lora Cheadle [00:22:36]:
What I’m saying is as humans, we all have issues. It’s just that the one in the relationship with the bigger issues, the blatant, huge, on your face, cheating, lying, manipulative behavior issues. When those issues are so loud, ours never rise to the surface. And that’s a pretty comfortable place to be for some of us. It’s about them. It’s not about me. He needs to fix himself. But then when he does fix himself, we don’t wanna go next.
Lora Cheadle [00:23:12]:
We don’t wanna take our turn. We don’t wanna show up differently. We’d rather stay in that place of righteous indignation. He did this to me after all I did for him. And look at me giving him a second chance, or look at me doing this Because it feels more powerful to be indignant than it does to be vulnerable. Because if we’re indignant and our partner does it again, if we’re indignant and it doesn’t work out, if we’re indignant and they stop their healing, then we gotta fold our arms over our chest and be like, I told you so. We gotta be right. Yep.
Lora Cheadle [00:23:53]:
I told you so. I knew he wasn’t gonna be able to do that. I knew this was too much. I knew. We gotta be right. We gotta be powerful. We gotta be indignant. But here’s the bottom line.
Lora Cheadle [00:24:08]:
We also get to be in pain. We also get to stay hidden behind our own defenses. We get to stay hidden behind our own wall. Being vulnerable, being willing. I love the word willing. Willing is a hugely powerful word. Being willing to be wrong, being willing to be hurt, being willing to look at our own stuff, being able to change, being able to stand up in other relationships and say, why don’t we bond over something positive? Being able to say, I love you, and let’s talk about this instead. Being strong, being willing, being self confident enough to say, I want more, and I deserve more, and I will take a risk to get more.
Lora Cheadle [00:25:14]:
I don’t want to be heard, of course. Nobody does. I don’t wanna be disappointed. Nobody does. But I am resourced enough inside. I am clear enough in my vision that I am willing to take that chance. It’s not even a risk. Take a risk.
Lora Cheadle [00:25:36]:
Risky behavior is different than taking a chance. And let’s be really clear. Playing the stock market might be risky. Buying crypto might be risky. Leaping off doing bungee jumping, leaping from a plane, things like that. Those might be really risky. I’m not talking about risky behavior. I’m talking about choices based in your deepest desire and knowledge of who you are and what you deserve.
Lora Cheadle [00:26:08]:
It’s not risky to try again. It’s powerful to put a stake in the ground and to say, this is what I want, and this is what I’m going to lean into, and this is what I am going to bravely try. I’m going to be vulnerable. I’m going to be powerful. I’m going to get help. I’m going to invest time and money, money, and resources, and energy in myself. I’m not just gonna skirt through. I’m gonna advocate powerfully for what I want because I deserve that.
Lora Cheadle [00:26:50]:
I deserve this, and I am worth it. Being happy is worth it. That’s not a risk. Even if it doesn’t work out, it’s not really the point. If it doesn’t work out, you’re still further along on the path of reclaiming yourself on the path of creating the life and the relationships that you desire. Because every time you participate in dysfunctional behavior, whether it’s bitching as a form of bonding, whether it’s self sabotaging, whether it’s refusing to be open, whether it’s sabotaging your husband’s healing, manipulating a situation. The person that you hurt is you. Yes.
Lora Cheadle [00:27:46]:
You hurt other people along the way too, but you hurt yourself deeply. And that’s what I wanna talk about next is how do you really stop sabotaging yourself, your healing, your relationship? Because we’ve had a lot of awareness. We’ve talked a lot about fear of success, fear of failure, fear of change, fear of being isolated, fear of not being bonded, fear fear of having that pain again, fear of things not working out, fear of not punishing your partner enough, fear of him letting him off the hook too soon. All of those fears, there’s probably fears there that I haven’t even labeled. And I’d encourage you actually, I would love. Send me an email. Talk about all of your fears. Give me your brain dump.
Lora Cheadle [00:28:41]:
Send me an email. That is your stake in the ground that these are the things I’m afraid of, and these are the things that are blocking me. I am so dang afraid of being disappointed that I’d rather cross my arms and sabotage it right now than open my heart, lean in, and be disappointed later. I’d rather be right than disappointed. Send me an email with all the things you’re afraid of. Send me an email of your biggest desires because just that act of writing it out and sharing it with another person is so powerful. So write it out and share it with me. That’s a huge first step.
Lora Cheadle [00:29:36]:
That is that awareness piece. If you’d like to go deeper and journal about it, journal about it. If you want a session with me, let’s do a hypnosis around it. Let’s spend an hour and a half together. Let’s talk it through, then let’s create a custom hypnosis so we can overcome those blocks, so we can rewire your brain, so you can move through this and actually get all of those things that you say you want, but you’re blocking every step of the way. That awareness, that sharing, that getting help, that’s the first place to start. But here’s another really powerful thing that I want you to do. What would it be like if we all normalized failure? What would it be like to normalize failure? What would it be like to just be able to talk about things that we wanted that didn’t work out without deflecting, without blaming, without crossing our arms and saying, I told you so? What would it be like to truly normalize failure? You know that one of my missions with this podcast is to start breaking down the stigma, to start breaking down the stigma around infidelity, around betrayal, around all of these things, around trauma and the impact that it makes on people.
Lora Cheadle [00:31:14]:
We all think, like, well, if I’m smart enough, it’s not gonna happen to me. If I’m pretty enough, it’s not gonna happen to me. If I do everything right, it’s not gonna happen to me. I thought that. I thought that. I thought I was so dang good. I was kinda smug in how good I was. I worked out.
Lora Cheadle [00:31:35]:
I worked on my body. I always put on my makeup. I decorated my house. I had such a clean house. I did great meals. I smiled. I was pleasant. I was fun to be around.
Lora Cheadle [00:31:48]:
I, like, did it all, so I was safe. Right? No. No. None of us are safe. One of the things that drives me so freaking bonkers is when I tell people what I do. I’m a former attorney who now works with women around betrayal recovery. I was betrayed by my husband, and I help women reclaim their identities and rebuild their lives on an emotional energetic soul level so they can turn this devastation into a reclamation of all that they are are that all that they can be. People rarely say, wow.
Lora Cheadle [00:32:35]:
That’s amazing. Instead, they say, oh, I trust my husband. Oh, I I have a really good marriage. Oh, no. We’re really bonded. And sometimes it makes me wanna laugh, and sometimes it makes me wanna whap them upside the head because I’m like, and you think I didn’t? You think I didn’t? You think I mistrusted my husband? You think we didn’t have a good that’s why it’s betrayal. Hello? Hello, McFly. That’s why it’s betrayal.
Lora Cheadle [00:33:14]:
If you don’t trust your partner, if you have a horrible relationship, if things aren’t going well, it’s not that big of a betrayal because you’re like, yeah. Well, suspected that. It’s a betrayal. I mean, it’s still a betrayal, a technical, but it’s a huge betrayal. The reason you’re here, the reason you’re listening, the reason this is rocking your world the way it rocked mine, the reason that I spent three months laying on the floor sobbing is because this is not what I expected. It’s because we had a great relationship. It’s because we had a rich life. It’s because we had depth.
Lora Cheadle [00:33:51]:
It’s because we had fun. It’s because I trusted him with every fiber of my being to take care of me, to love, honor, and cherish me. That’s why it was so bad. Hello. If you don’t have those feelings and you expect it, you’re probably not really listening to the show because you’re like, yeah, well, suspected it. Time for divorce. Never trusted him anyway. Bye.
Lora Cheadle [00:34:22]:
It’s really ironic. It’s really funny. And that’s the stigma that I’m trying to break down, the stigma that it happens. Let me tell you. It happens to good people. It happens to capable people. It happens to competent people. Quite honestly, let me tell you this.
Lora Cheadle [00:34:40]:
Do you know who my clients are? Do you know my clientele? My clientele is high achieving women. The cheaters are high achieving successful men.
Lora Cheadle [00:34:52]:
We are not talking Jerry Springer show people here.
Lora Cheadle [00:34:56]:
And that’s what was so hard for me when I first started going through this. I kept thinking betrayal recovery. What was those kind of people? No. No. No. No. No. My clients are powerful.
Lora Cheadle [00:35:08]:
They are smart. They are aware. They have done everything right. And yet this still happened because that is stinking reality, and I hate that for all of us. Oh my god. I hate that for all of us. So we’re talking about normalizing. Wouldn’t it be nice to normalize this? Wouldn’t this be nice to understand that betrayal happens? Wouldn’t it be nice to understand that hurt people hurt people? Wouldn’t it be nice to understand that we can fail? We don’t have to be perfect.
Lora Cheadle [00:35:50]:
We can chase our dreams and not achieve them. And it says nothing about us other than, dang, what an amazing person you were for being brave enough to go after your dreams. I wanna be rewarded for my bravery, for taking the risks, for putting myself out there. Oh my god. I have done so much. This is amazing. Let’s not talk about the outcome. Let’s talk about the action that I took.
Lora Cheadle [00:36:19]:
It’s not the attachment to the outcome that we should be focusing on. It’s the actions that we’re taking. I’m doing everything to heal. I’m doing everything to educate myself. I’m doing everything to support my partner. I’m leaning in and I’m doing it all. And if I get burned, it’s not the outcome that I attached to. It’s that I know I did everything along the way.
Lora Cheadle [00:36:47]:
I gave my all. I supported him and his healing. I supported me and my healing. I supported them and their healing. I hired the coach. I did what my coach told me to do. I showed up. I was raw.
Lora Cheadle [00:37:05]:
I was vulnerable. I was honest. I answered the questions. I did the journaling. I used the asynchronous communication, Voxer support that Lora offered me, and I talked my feelings out moment by moment, day by day. I let myself cry. I went to EMDR. I did a marriage workshop.
Lora Cheadle [00:37:30]:
Like, at the end of the day, don’t you wanna know that you did it all? I think that is so powerful. At the end of the day, I did it all. If it failed, I know I did it all, and failure doesn’t really matter. About three quarters of my clients, their relationships work out, and about a quarter of my clients end up divorced. And not one of those clients, at the end of the day, really feels like divorce was a failure. They feel like it was a disappointment. They feel like their partner didn’t show up. But my goal for them is for them to know I did everything that I could.
Lora Cheadle [00:38:17]:
I got the help I needed. I leaned in. I was supportive. I did it all. So by the time it becomes apparent that they need to walk away, they don’t have any question left in their mind. And that’s what I want you for you. I don’t want you to question if it’s the right decision to go or to stay. I want you to think about the actions that you need to take, and I want you to take those actions with every fiber of your being.
Lora Cheadle [00:38:43]:
I want a full body yes. Yes. I’m gonna do this. Yes. I’m gonna try, and it doesn’t matter what the outcome is. I don’t care. I mean, I do care, but I don’t care. At the end of the day, if anybody ends up together or apart, what I care about is that they did it all.
Lora Cheadle [00:39:05]:
That they can honest to God say I did it, and I’m at peace with that. And I believe that for myself too. I mean, yes. There’s a part of me that’s like, no. I really do want the marriage to continue to work. It’s been seven years. We are really happy. We are so much more connected.
Lora Cheadle [00:39:21]:
We we have a level of intimacy that we never had before. We have a depth of soul that we’ve never had before. And if something happens, I’m okay because I also know that we are doing everything. And that’s what I want for you is to normalize taking all the actions and not needing a certain outcome. Not needing a certain outcome. I wanna talk a little bit about some micro commitments. Micro commitments that you can do day in and day out that will help you recognize when you’re self sabotaging and then stop self sabotaging. One of those micro commitments to yourself is to ensure that you are feeling good, to just ensure that you are feeling good.
Lora Cheadle [00:40:38]:
And, no, I’m not talking about hedonistic pleasure, and I don’t think anybody listening to this would think that’s what I mean. I’m just meaning that calm, that peace. How can you assure that you are feeling good? If your partner asks you for some quiet time to talk, notice. Yeah. I really wanna do that. Or, no. I’m feeling triggered. If your partner asks to celebrate an anniversary or birthday or have an event, How can you lean into that celebration and receive? So often we block ourselves from receiving joy, and that’s why this micro commitment of just being aware of what you’re receiving and what you’re feeling and keeping yourself feeling good.
Lora Cheadle [00:41:31]:
Sometimes people ask about comfort. They ask about sex. They ask about dates or trips. And here’s the thing. Of course, you want your partner to comfort you if they have been your comforter all along. Does it feel good to have them comfort you? If it feels good to have them comfort you, then allow yourself to receive that. Allow yourself to receive the comfort. Do they wanna go out? Do they say, can we just have a really fun dinner? This has been a ton of work.
Lora Cheadle [00:42:07]:
Can we just go out and have dinner and a movie? Allow yourself to receive that. You don’t have to block it and punish them because by punishing them, you punish yourself. Does that feel good? Can you receive that? Please receive that. Sex. Is it gonna feel good and be fun for you? Can you receive that? Can you receive that? Lean into the fun. Leave lean into the connection, the joy. You probably deserve some really good sex after this. Whatever it is, how can you receive it? How can you just let yourself in every moment feel good? That’s one of the first micro commitments that I I really do ask you to make to yourself.
Lora Cheadle [00:43:05]:
Commit to just feeling good. Commit to putting down your sword, putting down your shield, and to just feel good. You can pick them back up later. Like, you don’t have to be happy and peaceful the whole rest of your life. You can fight. You can be a jerk. You can do whatever you want. But right now, can you just let yourself feel better? That can be such a revolutionary thought sometimes just to be like, oh, actually, I can.
Lora Cheadle [00:43:39]:
I can just have fun. I can go to dinner. I can celebrate a holiday. I can be comforted. I can. Because it doesn’t necessarily even mean anything other than I’m letting myself feel good. I’m letting myself be supported. I’m letting somebody take care of me, and I’m letting somebody make me happy.
Lora Cheadle [00:44:01]:
And if you’re really struggling with that, my question to you is why don’t you think you deserve it? Why don’t you think you deserve it? Why is it hard for you to receive? Who told you you weren’t worthy of support? When was the first time you remember feeling like you weren’t worthy of support or attention or love? And when was that first time? How many times throughout your life have you felt unworthy? How many times have you said, I I’ve if I want it done, I have to do it myself. Nobody does it as good as I do. Nobody’s gonna be there for me. Nobody’s gonna be there for me. Nobody’s gonna show up for me. They never have. They never will. When you have thoughts like that, when you verbalize things like that, what you’re doing is, again, you’re creating the reality that people won’t show up for you.
Lora Cheadle [00:45:14]:
If you have been disappointed because people don’t show up for you, if you’ve been disappointed because you get stuck doing it on your own, if you have been let down because your partner cheated on you, then you create, just like we were talking about earlier, that whole belief that if I open myself up again, I’m going to get hurt, and I’m really not worthy of more. So then we create that self fulfilling prophecy that nobody shows up for me. Nobody shows up for me. I always get the short end of the stick. And the more we believe that, the more we act in accordance with that belief. Because beliefs are what create our actions. Beliefs create our actions. And if I believe men are self centered jerks, if I believe that women are always in these long suffering relationships, if I believe that my partner is never gonna quite pull it out, that he’s never gonna quite see me or show up for me, if I truly believe I don’t have the support that I need, I’m always drowning just a little bit.
Lora Cheadle [00:46:36]:
I’m always gonna be disappointed. I’ve been disappointed before and it hurts so bad and I feel so unworthy. And I know it’s always gonna happen, so I’m just gonna protect myself by putting up this little wall and never really expect anything from anybody and never really receive anything from anybody because it’s never gonna be good enough. Anyway, we keep ourselves separate. We keep ourselves isolated and we keep ourselves hurting. And that attitude and those behaviors inspire others to not show up. Our behaviors, our attitudes inspire others to not show up, to let us down. And there’s a fine line between victim blaming here, which I am not doing, and being radically accountable for our own beliefs.
Lora Cheadle [00:47:40]:
And, yeah, I am asking you to change your mindset here. Because if you change your mindset, you will change your behaviors. So let’s get really honest. What is your mindset? What do you believe you deserve right now? What do you believe about your partner right now? And here’s where it gets tricky. Did I believe my partner was God’s gift before in ways and also not in ways at all? And it’s my guess that you have a similar experience. There were ways you really revered your partner. There were ways you really loved them, and there were ways you rolled your eyes because that’s human. But it’s that radical awareness of showing up differently.
Lora Cheadle [00:48:35]:
Now before we go on, I really, really want to encourage you to send me that email, to write down, to journal about this. What are you afraid of? What are you blocking? What’s getting in your way? And if you’ve been listening to my words and thinking, yeah. That’s me. Yeah. I kinda do that. I don’t wanna heal too fast. I don’t wanna let him off the hook. I wanna show him how bad he hurt me, that I really, really do invite you to reach out.
Lora Cheadle [00:49:12]:
We can have a single session. We can do two or three sessions. It doesn’t matter to me however many sessions you want, however many sessions you need. If you want the whole shebang, we can work together intimately for six months. You alone or you and your partner with me, we can put this all back together again. But if you just wanna try a single session, try a single session. But I really encourage you just to reach out and to get help, to do the work to do the work and to make the changes. If you go to a fairrecoveryforwomen.com, you will find links to my three month package, my six month package, and to my single sessions.
Lora Cheadle [00:50:04]:
And like I said, I don’t care what format you use. I don’t care what format is best for you or for you and your partner. But I really do care that you were able to reframe this. I really do care that you were able to, at the end of the day, say I did everything that I could have done. And I have no attachment to the outcome because I know all of the steps that I took along the way were worth it. They were worth it because of who I have become through this experience. A fair recoveryforwomen.com. And, yeah, let’s do this together.
Lora Cheadle [00:50:48]:
You don’t have to do it alone. I had mentioned that earlier, but when I first found out about this, one of my biggest fears was I thought I was different. I thought my relationship was different. I thought my partner was different. And the truth is we’re different than the stereotype, but we’re not different from you. We’re different from the stereotype, but we’re not different from you. It’s us. It’s all of us.
Lora Cheadle [00:51:22]:
And we are so similar, and we are so alike. And, yes, there’s little differences along the way, but all of our hearts are in the right place. All of us have done so much and accomplished so much and thought things were really, really good, which is what makes this fall all the more devastating. Wrapping this up, self sabotage. Why are you sabotaging yourself after betrayal? I want you to really think about that desire to punish the desire to punish your partner by not healing. And this one does take a lot of time to unpack. And I’m being perfectly blunt and perfectly honest. I don’t have, like, an easy out on this one because it’s a lot.
Lora Cheadle [00:52:28]:
We want our partners to see us broken. We want our partners to see how bad they hurt us, And that’s okay. And it’s especially okay because the wound of infidelity and betrayal, it’s an internal wound. If we were hit by a bus, if the bus crushed our heart, gutted us completely, the whole world could see that we’re laying in this hospital bed, and our guts are outside of us, and we’ve been stitched up. And we’re black, and we’re blue, and we’re broken, and we’re bandaged, and the whole world could see it. So we would get that acknowledgment, and then they could see us heal. One day, the cast comes off the arm. Slowly, the bruises fade from that dark purple into a greenish yellow and then finally disappear altogether.
Lora Cheadle [00:53:38]:
The stitches start dissolving, and then they come out, and then you have a red scar. And then with time, the redness of that scar dissolves, and then you have a white scar. And then you rub on the scar tissue a little bit and break that down. And pretty soon, it’s just a subtle line. Like, we have that visual evidence of the healing. We can look at people who have been hurt, and we can track their progress. Look, your hair is growing back. Look, you’re walking without a limp.
Lora Cheadle [00:54:09]:
Look, you’re not using such an other anymore. You’re not using a walker. You’re not using a cane. You look good. You look strong. And what makes infidelity so hard is the wound is on the inside and we can’t see it. So then we have that compulsive desire to show it to somebody. Let me show you my wounds.
Lora Cheadle [00:54:37]:
How do I show you my emotional wound? The only way to show somebody your emotional wound is to act wounded. The only way to show someone your emotional wound is to act wounded. Let that land. So what do we do? We act wounded. What do we do? We act victimized. We show people how bad we were hurt by acting it out because we desperately want them to know what our internal experience is like. And while that is valid and while it is okay to do that for a while, it is all too easy to get stuck, to get locked in, and that is what I don’t want to have happen to you. I don’t want you to get locked into showing everybody your wounds.
Lora Cheadle [00:55:41]:
I want you to recognize that even though you don’t see healing, healing is taking place. You don’t see the stitches coming out. You don’t see the scar fading away. You don’t see the bruises disappearing, but every single day you are healing too. So I wanna leave the show with a very poignant question. And that question is, what can you do to show your healing? What can you do to show your healing, not only to yourself, but to the world? And I want you to be very acutely aware of the resistance that pops up, Not to my cheating partner or not until he gets it or but I don’t want him to see. Be acutely aware of that resistance because that’s the work that needs to be done. That’s the work right there that needs to be done.
Lora Cheadle [00:56:51]:
How can you show your healing? And what is the resistance that pops up to showing others that you are healing? Take one more deep breath because this this is deep soul work. My lovely soul sisters, this is deep soul work. This is where it’s at. We’re on this journey together, and we’ve been thrown into the fire together. We’ve walked through the dark night of the soul together, and it’s our sacred duty to help usher each other back into the light. So let’s get to shining, shall we? I really look forward to your emails. I look forward to our sessions together, whether it’s a onetime session or six months together. I’m here.
Lora Cheadle [00:57:53]:
You’re here. It’s just us. We’ve got this. Have an amazing week. And as usual, always remember to flaunt exactly who you are because who you are is always more than enough.
Lora Cheadle [00:58:12]:
Tune in next time to flaunt, find your sparkle, and create a life you love after infidelity or betrayal with Lora Cheadle every Wednesday at 7AM and 7PM Eastern Standard Time on syndicated DreamVision seven radio network. Uncover the truth of what’s possible for you on the other side of betrayal and develop the skills and strategies necessary to embrace the future and flourish today. Download your free Betrayal Recovery Toolkit at betrayalrecoveryguide.com.
Calm the chaos inside & out
