Infidelity and betrayal are two of the most disruptive experiences that humans can go though because of the way they shatter both your sense of self and and your sense of what’s real. Because of this, finding your balance and restoring your sense of inner peace become a top priority. Here’s how to do that so you can heal.

What Blocks You From Inner Peace?

We live in a world where very few people know how to find or sustain inner peace. Where we are encouraged to project and defend ourselves and our decisions. Think religion, politics, and the recent COVID pandemic. How often are you encouraged to “other” those who believe differently on masks, vaccines, abortions, border protection, or Israel, and how often are you encouraged to step into your common humanity with others?

When you are settled and comfortable in yourselves and what is important to you, there is no need to climb on a soap box, project your beliefs to others, or try to sway somebody’s opinion. Nor is there a need to defend yourself to those who think or believe differently. You simply are. That OK-ness is inner peace.

Three Simple Habits and Practices to Find and Sustain Inner Peace

REST

As anyone who has been tired knows, when you are tired, you have less capacity. But did you know that many of the things we think of as rest, do not provide rest?

The Difference Between Rest and Distraction

Rest leaves you feeling energized and enthusiastic. Distraction leaves you feeling OK enough to return to your work, but in a resigned kind of way. Worse, it causes you to crave more distraction! Distraction numbs you out and disconnects you from yourself, your feelings, or your life. Rest fills you up and provides you with the energy needed to sit with yourself, your feelings, or your life. Rest returns you to the essence of who you are.

Common distractions include:

• · TV (Netflix and chill)
• · Having a drink to relax, a dessert to reward, or snacking
• · Social media, browsing the internet, or watching YouTube
• · Playing video games
• · Goofing around with your phone
• · Checking email incessantly
• · Getting overly involved with other people’s lives or gossiping
• · Shopping
• · Over-working
• · Multitasking as a way of life

Think back to when you were a kid and got lost in play. When you were absorbed in a craft, playing, dolls, or reading a book. Hours could go by without you even being aware that time was passing. You were unselfconscious and free! Rest frees you from the need to project or defend who you are.

Examples of rest include:

• · Meditation/mindfulness
• · Yoga, stretching, exercise, dance
• · Breathwork
• · Reading
• · Sauna / hot tub / taking a bath or shower and enjoying it
• · Massage, self-touch
• · Taking Nap
• · Listening to music, and really listening and taking notices of it.
• · Creating art (painting, pottery, coloring, photography, wood working, decorating the home, etc.)
• · Being in nature, looking at animals, trees or water
• · Engaging in hobbies, especially solo activities where you are NOT competing!
• · Watching a sunset, sunrise, or the stars

How to Learn to Rest

Get a sheet of paper, draw a line down the missile. On the left, write Distraction, and on the right, write, Rest. For the next 30 days, note how you feel after you do something “to rest.” Are you doing things that provide distraction, or are you really allowing yourself to rest? It you are anything like me, you will be shocked (and a little horrified) at how little rest you are getting and how distracted you are keeping yourself!

STILLNESS

Stillness is the ability to stop, be, and literally do nothing. The biggest barrier to stillness is mistakenly believing that the longer we are still, the better benefits we will receive. The second biggest barrier to stillness is believing that we can drop straight from activity to stillness without somatically processing our thoughts and emotions first. Before we talk about how to cultivate stillness, let’s talk about why you need stillness.

Why You Need Stillness

One of my favorite bible verses is “Be still and know that I am God.” That verse teaches us that when we are still, we know. We know who we are, who we are not, and what to do next. Being still shifts your perspective, grounds you to reality (as opposed to illusion) and returns you home to yourself. Doing nothing is actually the most productive activity you will ever undertake because when you know, you no longer waste time or energy projecting or defending who you are.

How to Begin a Stillness Practice

Select a time and a location and commit to a daily stillness practice. Give yourself between one and three minutes to take a breath, notice your body, and ask yourself, “What is getting in the way of me being perfectly still right now?” The answer will either be something physical, emotional, or mental. Next, ask yourself “What do I need to do to take care of that barrier right now?” It might be writing yourself a quick reminder; allowing yourself a moment to scream, cry, or laugh; or standing up and doing some somatic processing. Dance, bounce, shake your arms, or get yourself something to drink or eat. Sit back down again and repeat this process two more times, asking yourself these questions and taking care of your needs each time.

Now that you have taken care of the movement, you are ready for stillness! For just a moment, stop. Suspend everything and let yourself be in nothingness. Even if it’s just the space between your inhalation and your exhalation. That’s stillness. That’s all it takes!

Once you have learned how to rest and how to be still, it’s time to begin the process of cultivating inner peace.

PEACE

Contrary to what you might think, peace is not something you receive, it’s something you are. Yes, you do need to project peace to receive it, but not in a performative way – in a being-ness way. You project peace because that’s who you are.

You are comfortable with yourself whether you are in crisis or despair because you are OK being not OK – because you know how to rest and be still in any situation. You are unselfconscious and you have compassion for yourself and others because you know that inner peace does not come from being finally free of troubles, (that’s never going to happen, sorry!) but comes from surrendering to the fact that you will never be free from trouble, conflict, or upset. Which ironically helps you navigate challenges more effectively and efficiently because of your calm and relaxed attitude and outlook, leading to more inner peace!

Know that inner peace is a journey, not a destination. You are a little boat being tossed around on the great ocean of life. Inner peace is knowing how to right yourself again.

When you lack peace, go through this list of questions so you can pinpoint what’s blocking your peace and right yourself again.

• Am I upset because I’m trying to control a person or situation that I have no control over? Remember that you have no control over anything except yourself! Usually this is the problem, right here!
• Am I feeling self-righteous, resentful, or judgmental? Do I need to forgive myself and others?
• Where am I right now? Am I in the future or the past? How can I stay focused on the here and now?
• Where am I with my thoughts and emotions? Am I projecting or vomiting on others? What can I do right now to go within and process and re-regulate myself?
• Am I in a loop that’s making me obsessive and crazy? How can I journal my thoughts and emotions and channel them into a story that has a beginning, middle, and end?
• Am I grounded and centered or am I spinning and out of control? What can I do right now to better connect me to Mother Earth and allow her to hold me?
  

This is a lot of deep work, I know! That’s what the fall is about. Going deep, letting go, and preparing for winter renewal.