How Cheaters Justify Cheating – The Psychology of Betrayal
One of the most confusing aspects of being cheated on is how your cheating partner can claim that they didn’t think about you, your kids, home, family, friends, community, or employment – especially if they cheated with someone at work, before they cheated, or even while they were cheating.
While on the surface it defies belief that someone could intentionally take all the steps and actions necessary to have an affair (or affairs) and claim that they never thought it would hurt you, here’s why it makes sense, and how it is possible for your partner never to think that their cheating would hurt you.
To understand this topic more fully, check out the FLAUNT! Create a Life You Love After Infidelity or Betrayal, which takes a deep dive into this phenomenon, as well as the full-length episode, How Cheaters Justify Cheating – The Psychology of Betrayal.
The Mindset of a Cheater – Compartmentalization
Have you ever driven during a blinding storm? How about dug deep during a sporting or fitness event in order to excel or simply to finish? What about buckled down and spent a successful day in the office despite an upsetting personal situation? How about muscling through a funeral of a loved one?
I have, and if you are anything like me, I know you have too. I even remember taking the SAT exam in high school and consciously not focusing on how badly I needed to use the restroom! You see, I had mainlined coffee that morning, not realizing that leaving the test to use the restroom was not allowed.
All of these scenarios are examples of compartmentalization, a psychological defense mechanism that enables someone to suppress their thoughts and emotions. All humans use some form of compartmentalization to put uncomfortable thoughts, feelings, or realities aside and function successfully. While compartmentalization is a normal, healthy, and useful skill (it can even help you heal from the pain of betrayal!), it can reach unhealthy levels if it goes too far.
As is the case with cheating. Compartmentalization that goes too far is, in part, the result of the biological differences between men’s brains and women’s brains, and toxic masculine socialization.
How Men’s Brains Differ from Women’s Brains
Although everybody can and does compartmentalize, men’s brains are wired differently from women’s brains. While you can learn all the details here, the upshot is that due to hormonal surges in developing fetuses, men’s brains are literally wired for compartmentalization, and they see less connection between things than women do.
Think of a man’s brain as a chest of drawers and a woman’s brain as a plate of spaghetti. Men keep things separate and distinct and see things in one drawer as having no relationship or impact on things in a different drawer. Meanwhile, women more easily see the interconnectedness of everything.
How Men Justify Cheating – Men, Culture, and the Masculinization of Disconnection
Walk it off! Man up. Pull it together. Get a grip and get hold of yourself! These phrases are examples of the messages we give our boys and men encouraging them to disconnect from what they are feeling in the moment, to compartmentalize their discomfort, and go to another place in themselves so they can deal with the task at hand–-making the play, suffering through discomfort, or stuffing down their tears.
Our culture encourages men to compartmentalize and teaches them that stoicism is a hallmark of masculinity and something to be proud of. Men are taught that being a man means being able to compartmentalize and disconnect from painful feelings. But sadly, for both men and those who love them, men are not taught how to return to, reconnect with, and process those painful feelings later. Without an outlet for these difficult emotions and feelings, many men become masters at compartmentalization, justification, and disconnection from themselves and others.
Is it any wonder that a man caught cheating will inevitably tell you that he didn’t think about you during his affair? He didn’t. He compartmentalized his illicit behavior, treating it as something that was not a part of his “real” self or life. Because in his brain, it wasn’t, it was in a different “drawer,” enabling him to subconsciously not connect his “married self” with his “cheating self,” “fatherly self,” or even his “community self.”
For more on toxic masculinization and moving from disconnection to connection, check out this podcast episode with Terry Real, focusing on bringing men back to their hearts after infidelity so they can learn to become more relational. And if you or your partner wants support making sense of this all, reach out to Lora here and book your session today.
Why Men Don’t Think About You When They Cheat
Look at it this way. Have you ever lost your mind and screamed at your kids in utter exhaustion and frustration? Have you ever tailgated or roared around a slow driver in the left lane who seemed to be intentionally driving at the exact same speed as the driver in the right-hand lane? Yup, me too.
But I don’t identify as a screaming, out-of-control mom. Nor would I ever say that I’m an aggressive driver. Even though, according to my actions, I have been in the moment. It’s just that in my mind, I’m a good person. In my heart and mind, I’m a patient and loving mom, a calm and rational driver. I compartmentalized my “out of character” behavior and dismiss it in my own mind because I know that I’m a good person–despite my actions.
I don’t think about the long-term damage to my kids. The confusion and fear that they must feel seeing Mom turn into a temporary psycho. Nor do I think about the car accident I might cause. Whether or not people in surrounding cars are safely buckled in, whether their kids, dogs, or other loved ones are in the car with them, or the grief and pain their loved ones would experience if they were maimed or killed. I don’t think of any of that in the moment, and if it crosses my mind later, I promptly shut it down so the grief and pain don’t overwhelm me.
The same is true for many a cheating spouse.
Which also explains why men don’t feel guilty when they cheat.
What do Ax Murderers, Pedophiles, War Criminals, and Cheating Spouses Have in Common?
No, this is not the beginning of a bad joke! While the preceding statement may be a little dramatic, the sentiment remains true. No matter what disaster you are reading about – murder, child abuse, torture, or adultery what you will hear most often from the people who knew the perpetrator is, I am so shocked! He is the last person I would have ever expected to do such a thing!
How often does someone who could otherwise only be described as a monster lead a bland, normal, or even upstanding life? Some Nazi officers who tortured humans by day were loving, jovial husbands and fathers by night. Some priests who served their parishioners humbly and compassionately for decades routinely abused boys.
Compartmentalization and learned disconnection.
Can Cheating Ever be Justified?
While cheating is never justified and is always wrong, it is important for the betrayed partner to gain an understanding of why his or her partner cheated. Understanding brings peace, and peace eventually brings forgiveness.
As someone who stayed with her partner after his infidelity, I can honestly say that even though I don’t totally get it in my heart, I do understand it in my head. I see how my husband is, and always was, a “good person,” and most importantly, how his cheating, behaviors, and actions truly had nothing to do with me. Or our family, friends, community, or situation.
If hearing about cheating from the cheater’s point of view would be helpful, check out the four episodes I did with my cheating husband:
Conversations With the Betraying Partner: Part 1 – Behind the Scenes of an Affair: Insight from a Cheating Partner: What Led to the Affair?
Intimate Conversations with the Betraying Partner: Part 2 – What happened During the Affair? Chasing Validation in All the Wrong Places
Part 3 of Intimate Conversations with the Betraying Partner- What Happened After the Affair?
Wherever you are on your journey, I hope you can find the understanding, peace, and eventually forgiveness you desire. You can book individual or couple sessions with me, or learn more about my programs here. But no matter what, download your FREE Betrayal Recovery Guide here, and take your first steps towards healing today! www.BetrayalRecoveryGuide.com
